All That Starts As Shit…Need Not End That Way

I had a rough time sleeping last night. Getting to sleep. Staying asleep. Not letting the nightmares freak me out so much I avoided trying for more sleep. Alarm time and thankfully, my kid was already up and getting ready and even bothered to feed the cats for a change. But then, she had one of her epic ‘everything is your fault, you don’t love me, i hate you mom’ fits last night and I refused to interact so she basically tired herself out and fell asleep without tuck in. I did go check on her, cover her, and such, but when someone is screaming in your face and NOTHING you say can defuse the situation…you kinda just gotta make a clean break and hope for the best. Once again, it was all about how much she hates living here in Armpit. They had a school field trip yesterday and that involved schools from in town, as well, so she ran into many of her old buddies and it just sent her to shreds..FOUR hours after she got home and all was well. The meltdowns she has don’t seem inorganic, I am starting to think she may be on the spectrum. That has little to do with intelligence or having a good personality, it is all about her little mind not being able to process an overload of emotion-positive or negative- properly. I have her well kid check up next month, I am gonna ask the ped doc if she would advise a psych referral, even if it’s just counseling. I’ve had her seeing the school guidance counselor but ‘he is a man’ and she feels he doesn’t hear her, but I got her a female at one time and she didn’t like her either…Maybe cos they are saying she has to mind the rules and not be a terrorist and she doesn’t like it coming from any gender or family member.

Last night was rough and I tried to ground her from the school’s once year movie night, which was tonight. Stepmonster agreed that an hour long screaming tantrum did not warrant being rewarded. Then today my dad showed up unnannounced to make me feel like the bloody movie grinch and point out they were taking the neighbor boy they babysit and he loves my kid so I should just give her a different punishment but let her go…This from the man who once kicked me with a steel toe boot for getting a speeding ticket-which I paid for myself at age 17. I’d like to think he did it for my kid, but the truth is, they are so caught up in that little neighbor boy, I’d bet it was him fussing that made my dad ask me to reconsider Spook’s discipline. With that family faction, males are treated as fucking royalty, even if not related.

So she got to go to the movie with them tonight and should be home in the next hour–ish but her punishment is that she can’t go to town to spend her Easter gift cards til we MUST go to town next Wednesday for her dental appointment. Making my kid wait to blow money is pretty fucking cruel, honestly. And the cash she had with her tonight, even tho an Easter gift, I made it clear it was to go on the book fair, NO candy, NO toys. Because I am a fucking monster who uses discipline of this nature in an effort to make my kid not turn out to be a psychopath. Or sociopath.

My day started out miserably. The pain killers weren’t working. The anxiety was making my heart rate skyrocket. I couldn’t curl up in fort blankie cos scumbag brain was spinning out…So I used that time to make calls, which is,for me, akin, to volunteering to be a dental patient at a school sans Novacaine. 45 minutes just with state child supportment alone and they still have no news for me and I said, figured, but I WANT IT RECORDED THAT I CHECK IN EVERY MONTH BECAUSE THIS ISN’T ABOUT A FAILED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, THIS IS ABOUT A RESPONSIBILITY A FATHER HAS TO HIS DAUGHTER. Since my lawyer and the judge are on the donor’s side more than Spook’s, I want a record of me fighting for what is rightfully hers.

I doubled the painkiller and forced myself into clean clothes and a brush of the hair and some deodorant. But I was still hurting. I didn’t want to go to town, I have been there 7 out of 9 days and that costs money, ffs, and no, family get togethers don’t get you reimbursed. But I went. I tackled my pharmacy transfer where the insurance decided to be a cockweasel and make me wait a half hour while 3 different people tried to enter the info and get it to go through. Finally, it did. I picked up a freebie microwave a friend left at my mom’s for me, since our 1970’s rotary dial one doesn’t even have a working timer…Then I came home and was aching and crampy and all…I wanted was to lay down and breathe.

Then I saw that today was the only rain free day expected for a week and the lawn was already a fucking jungle so I started mowing…in increments. And there are spots I missed so the lawn has little mohawks and faux-hawks. But I got it done finally. Omg, it’s like mowing a baseball field with a push mower. But I did it. Now that my dad and his woman will give me any credit, they could only point out the flaws and that they make extra money mowing multiple lawns a day. THEY HAVE 3 RIDERS AND 4 PUSH MOWERS AND THERE’S 3 OF THEM. Here, it is just me and one push mower. So yeah, for all their bitching that I am lazy, I deserve some fucking credit for getting out there and doing it, even if I was in oompa loompa ovary-spine agony. Now the backs of my leg muscles are aching and I have blisters on my feet but…I fucking did it, damn it. BY MYSELF.

Because I am not lazy. And I have some physical ailments but I never complain about anything that isn’t truly debilitating.

But hey…I got errands done, my kid got to see her movie, I got the lawn mowed…Now I just need to feed myself and tuck my kid in when she gets back and I can call it a successful day. I am sore and in pain and my mind is still screeching profanity like a banshee cos it all sucks so much….

I did it. I ticked off a bunch of stuff from the ‘set one or two goals, complete them, then you can feel your feelings’.

My feelings now are physical pain and sheer mental exhaustion.

I did it. And I am not even gonna focus on the fact that I didn’t even get call backs for the kennel job or overnight shelf stocking that I really was interested in.

I will call today a win. And if anyone disagrees…


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