A Brief word on how I further fucked up my life tonight…

I am uploading a video to youtube about today but it is so slow going…Might post by noon tomorrow but 3G is what I have so snail-net is my only option.

I have burning the candle at all ends. My interview yesterday went well but due to state law, the lady told me I likely would not get hired and that is not in her hands. Hey, I managed to clean myself up and show, with printed resume and proof of ID per their request so I am making an effort…

Tonight, I made an epic fail that will likely be biting me on the ass for 10 years.

It was 6:30 at night so I thought I was safe from formal calls. My kid was supposed to be wrangling the kittens, but then she came in here and a couple of furbabies disappeared under furniture…then I got a call and it was a number that wasn’t local and I didn’t recognize it and by then, I’d taken 8 spam calls today alone and…I was just combative and said, leave a message after the BEEP and hung up. The same number called back and asked if they had the right number because they were an employer…

And I would have double face palmed if I hadn’t been busy wrangling kittens cos Spook got too wrapped up in TV, then any time the phone rings, she has to be right in my face asking who is it, what do they want, tell them I say hi…

I crumbled. I’m not proud of it but then again, I have never once said I was no longer disabled.

No, lack of money and the donor not paying support and being forced to move to this hellscape, that is why my 9 year run of being able to keep things going has become a no go.I hav nothing against working and earning my keep. But with mental illness saying you’re all cured is like trying to do a job in a walk up building while in a cast and on crutches. You need to make a live, you are willing to try, but you’re just not 100%. Difference being, no one cuts an inch of slack for the mentally disabled.

So…We’re still raising money, we only need a little under $100 for the power to stay on (then I gotta raise another $200 by May3) and I want with every fiber of my being to fire my ass trash woman hating lawyer and get one who is competent which takes money and of course, we need to get our cats fixed and treated for flea and…We’re not doing this to buy luxury items or bilk anyone. e just need help. IF this state and the law did their job and made delinquent parents be held accountable, we wouldn’t be in this position. I am thinking about starting a change.org petition on that whole matter cos it doesn’t matter if you’re a single mom or dad, employed or disabled…No way the deadbeat parent should retain visitation rights yet not contribute to their child’s upbrining in any way. That needs to change.

So…paypal gets the donated money to us faster.

The formal fundraiser takes a few days but it is here.

The video is 39% uploaded over two hours so, yeah, it may post tomorrow. I will let you know but it’s 20 minutes of me all but crying and trying to do myself in by eating shards of glass, so feel free to skip when it does post. IF it does. My 3G phone data will get to 90% or so then say oopsie, upload failed, try again later….Which again makes me want to chomp on glass shards then spit them out like nails from a nail gun….

I need to go kick myself mentally some more for screwing up that employer call earlier. I had to be at my breaking point because I…that isn’t really me. I was even nice to the Jehovah’s Witness lady today who visited yet again….I snapped. And in a small rural area with limited employment…that is gonna be biting me on the butt for years to come.

I didn’t overestimate or underestimate myself. I was quite honest in saying I am not cured, I am not even doing that well, but to take care of my baby girl…I am willing to push myself to the brink and beyond.

Today I just went…over the edge. It happens, and I am truly sorry.

Brain reboot time.


4 Responses to “A Brief word on how I further fucked up my life tonight…”

  1. awe! sorry that happened! Sucks! I hope your in bed now? And asleep? xox

  2. You could always try calling back and just saying you apologize, but you have an arsehole ex who is both behind on child support and just ditched his kid at a planned visit and the number looked almost exactly like his. Maybe you’ll score some sympathy points that you were being combative to protect your kid from further hurt. (I mean, that’s a globally true statement, so it’s not a lie. And, it totally is the strain of the donor who caused you to snap.) As you say, mama bear instincts are usually better received. Maybe you’ll get a sympathy interview (no shame in that statement. You’ve been through enough that whatever it takes to get in the door is fine. It really is for your kid’s sake.)

    • I was fortunate enough to get a second chance and she gave me an interview today.

      Unfortunately, due to something on my record from 16 years ago (misdemeanor) the state bans me from working in that field though this place *will* allow it if I get the state waiver. That is going to take 4-6 weeks.

      Otherwise, it went well. I walked out feeling good about it instead of the obstacles because that is two for two this week who interviewed me and said if it wasn’t for that misdemeanor, they’d hire me instantly.

      Then I got home and my dad called and told me I was not trying hard enough, there are other jobs I can work that won’t be barred because of the item on my record. He basically put a knitting needle into my balloon. I’ve been applying for everything, sub sandwich artist, breakfast shift fast food, gas station clerk, stock clerk, janitorial…I cannot control that these healthcare places are the ones who responded to my resume. He isn’t happy unless he is running me down over something or other.

      But yeah, I went, I apologized, I gave a good interview, and she said if I can get that waiver she will hire me as a ‘temp fill in’ to start me out due to my disability that way if I don’t feel calm or lucid enough to work, it won’t count against me if I turn down a shift. So tomorrow I tackle the waiver issue and go from there.

      I am doing it for my daughter, the cats, and myself. Seems like pretty noble motivation.

      Virus-free. http://www.avast.com

      On Wed, Apr 17, 2019 at 11:49 AM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.