Depression, Anxiety, And Poverty Should Be Considered A Viral Epidemic

Happy Sunday.

We woke to blowing snow and 32 degrees on April 14th. I shut the heat off as it was in the 60’s yesterday. My kid was unamused to wake up with icicles on her toes.

Today is Doomsday. Not looking forward to a 20 mile drive into town and if the donor is a now show, then I’ve wasted what little gas money I have and will have a despondent child on my hands. If he does show up, it will take every bit of me fighting my own nature to call people for being blatant phonies and liars.

I’d like to say thanks to the people who have helped us a little toward our fundraising goal to keep our power/heat turned on. You guys know who you are and how much it means to me and Spook.

Direct donation or gift through paypal here.

If you want the sordid story and a heartfelt video, that is here on gofundme.

I bathed this morning for the first time in 9 days. I may be a worn down depressive busk and basketcase but I’m not giving the donor the satisfaction of seeing me that way. He’d take credit for ‘destroying’ me when fact is, the depression and anxiety have been plundering me for so long, and with the money problems of him not paying support, and Spook being such a volatile kid…That is what has worn me down this far. Not him. My psyche isn’t so weak as to be deterred by romantic rejection. Been there, done that, keep buying the t-shirt every few years then burning it.

I need to jet by mom’s before our meeting today, she has some black dress flat shoes I can use for my job interview tomorrow. I only own tennis shoes and combat style heavy metal rocker chick boots, so…thank god me, mom, and my sister all have the exact same large ass foot size.

Pretty nervous about the interview tomorrow but the lady told me there could be an issue with my past even if it was over 15 years ago but she’d like to talk to me anyway. If I go in expecting little, I won’t be disappointed to be told ‘thanks but no thanks.’

I’m getting pretty disgusted with the flaming hoops involved in just applying to flip burgers or serve subs. Personality tests, audio clips to grade the customer/employer interaction, video clips in which you get 5 seconds to reply to a hypothetical situation coherently…Starting to feel like you gotta be a brain surgeon to be ‘sandwich artist’ material.

Fonal thoughts…

Yesterday there was a brief moment in which I felt sort of happy with our lives. I get left to my own devices, she has some friends, I get along with parents in a civilized way, we have a home, a car, she has a swingset and a bike and scooter and we have our cats…It’s not always bad. It’s just scary when you think how close you are to losing it.

Finally…Just want to say to EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO READS ANY OF MY BLOGS AND CLICKS THE LIKE BUTTON OR TRIES TO COMMENT AND INTERACT WITH ME…
Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I could make my gratitude go viral and infectious, I would.

I have met some amazing kind and generous friends through wordpress and I love you all for being my support system, my friends, and sometimes, even my ‘panic button’ to text when I start crumbling. You guys are pretty amazing and I may not always feel I deserve it, but I sure as hell appreciate it.

There’s the family you’re born with and anyone who reads my blog knows mine is not supportive or very helpful.

You guys here on wordpress are the family I have chosen because you are supportive and helpful and you seem able to cut through the layers of gruff self protection I’ve encased myself in…and you see the troubled but basically decent person inside and you accept and appreciate me for it.

You will never in a million years know how much this means to me and I thank you and send you all the love in the world.

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7 Responses to “Depression, Anxiety, And Poverty Should Be Considered A Viral Epidemic”

  1. And we send you all the love right back, me and nitro 🙂 love you girl! Good luck tomorrow! HOpe you rock it and get a job! xox

  2. Love and hugs to you and Spook. Fingers crossed that your job interview will go as well as only possible. 🙂

  3. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I hope you’ve heard some good news regarding the job interview. Here’s an article that you may find interesting. https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=102015329&srcid=share
    It speaks about how those living in poverty can still find happiness and offers hope for the future. I pray God helps you endure and get through this. Going to Jehovah in prayer can do wonders for your mental health and state of mind.

    • Ya know, sometimes, I do get to a point of contentent with what we have and how valuable it is beyond monetary value. But then some materialistic person points out what we don’t have like I am somehow failing my child for not owning fancy stuff, so it’s not always me doing the measuring of success by what we have.
      I need noise canceling headphones for those naysayers 😉

      • The people around us do make it hard. However, God has taught me that you are a good parent if you provide for your child’s basic needs and give them lots of love. That’s really all that’s required. Kids don’t necessarily appreciate or remember things (toys, etc.) but as they grow into adults they will always remember the love they received and the lessons they were taught. Remember, “for the way man sees is not the way God sees, because mere man sees what appears to the eyes, but Jehovah sees into the heart” (2 Samuel 16:7). You’re not failing your child, you’re showing them what truly matters. That’s an invaluable lesson.

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