I Really Need A Win

Today has been garbage. My brain is fried from submitting resumes and filling out endless applications and sitting through ‘click on the picture that represents you the most’ (for a sub shop sandwich artist position) then fretting because I picked animals and writing and artsy stuff as opposed to mechanical or math stuff and…My brain hurts.

My father informed me, while berating me for not having a job yet, that I can’t get a job yet because my front car tires are dry rotted and could blow at any time so before I go pounding the car on the interstate I need to replace those. And they will sell me the old ones off their SUV cos they are worn and they’re getting new ones, they should be good for a couple thousand more miles.

BUT I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO REPLACE THE DAMN TIRES.To which my idget father cockily said, sucks to be you. Then, don’t ask to borrow one of our cars, you still us three hundred bucks for the windshield you broke using it to move last year…

I’ve already gotten ‘thanks but no thanks’ rejections from several places and I gotta say, not even being considered worthy of making donuts and coffee kinda stings.

I need a win.

This whole thing with the donor and lawyer has me up in arms. I have heard nothing back, so I guess the lawyer doesn’t check email nor does the donor, and somehow this will all bite me on the ass but…I don’t trust myself speaking to that lawyer on the phone again. I tried that last night and once again, the number is to the ranch/restaurant place his parents home and his hard of hearing mom answers then can’t hear a word you say so you gotta keep repeating yourself and getting louder, then she puts you on hold, then says he isn’t there, then can you call back, god forbid you ask to leave a message. How is this remotely professional for a lawyer to not have a dedicated number and address for his legal practice? One more reason it is just difficult to take him seriously.

Today I needed $76 to maintain status quo on water, car insurance, and a couple of cheapo Easter gifts for my kid. Now I have the added strain of knowing my tires are so shot that my next trip to town for any reason could lead to a blowout but I can’t get money for the tires without a car to drive….

Remind me again how I am not on lockdown, medicated to the gills, because I feel I am losing my shit.

I just need a win.

For those interested…
My income is $832 a month.
Rent is $400
Water is $71
Power, at its lowest is around $180
car insurace is $80 a month
gas is $40 to get to town and back
pet supplies are $40

That brings us to $811, and I’ve not even included laundry soap, dish soap, toilet paper, cleaning items, medication, personal hygiene items, etc.

This month to cover the renewal sticker for my car I let the internet go and use my phone data as a hotspot and had to pay car insurance from last month because I tried using some of that to pay toward the heat bill. Which meant that I couldn’t even come up with 25% down for a payment agreement with the power company and my deferred amounts are now part of the total balance before disconnection. I’ve been robbing Peter to pay Paul, shorting Paul to pay Peter’s shyster cousin…I do what I can when I can get it-walking dogs, babysitting, errands, housecleaning.

But those opportunities did not come my way.

So until I get a win on the job front, this impossible math is what is looming over my head day in and out. It is adding to my overall anxiety and panic and feeding the depression. So when I say we need help, well…you do the math yourself. What can I cut out of that aside from maybe getting rid of my cats and that’s not feasible as they are therapy pets for me. My phone plan is a $15 prepaid deal that rolls over, otherwise I wouldn’t even be able to swing it.

I just need a win.

Trying to support a kid here, not redecorate a bedroom or attend an out of state bachelor party.

And no matter your faith/belief system…Prayers can’t hurt. I personally have been praying to pegacorns and spaghetti monsters and God. I’d pray to a box of macaroni and cheese if I thought it would do any good.

We just need a win.

I’m ready for bed. Consciousness continues to become more agonizing than anything. And that just feeds my feelings of depression and self worth because I have a healthy beautiful kid and the world will tell you that since you have a kid, you don’t have the luxury of being depressed or needing help, your kid needs you, grow up.

Depression is just one of those disorders they need to simulate so non sufferers can take a walk in our shoes even by virtual reality programming. Once you’ve been on this side, you quickly do a facepalm and want to kick your own ass for being so judgey and ignorant.

***Author Post Edit***

We did not get in this situation through any fault of our own. The landlord sold our old place out from under us and we were forced to move in a hurry. This was the only landlord who would take partial deposit and first month and let us move in. At the time I signed up for internet, we were getting over $300 a month in child support. In September he quit paying after losing another job and that was the start of the problems. I am disabled and have been out of work a long time. I do not have a glowing history due to my mental instability. But I have been trying to find work to replace the missing income.

He is now over $4000 in arrears. He has an apartment, electricity, a car, but is reporting no employment nor filing any taxes. For 7 months now. The legal system does not care.

I tried to do the best I could witb what I have. This was never a case of getting in over my head purposely then whining about it. Frankly, I’d love nothing more than to move back to town where we could get income based rent but the waiting list is over a year long so until then, and of course, up front money…If we hadn’t been forced to move from our former home of 9 years where I could swing all the bills on my income alone…we would not be here now.

We’re in hellish limbo.

And needing a win is not asking for too much.



One Response to “I Really Need A Win”

  1. All that I can offer is my thought and prayers for you and your daughter. I pray that something gives and you are able to obtain the ai you need for all of the above. 🙏

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