Habitat For Inhumanity

For the first time in 2 weeks, I bathed today. Shaved, shampooed, washed, scented, clean clothes. I was freezing and it did not lead to the ‘feel good’ signs the psych professionals say it will…But it’s done and my scalp no longer feels like it’s wearing a deep fryer.

I got an email informing me today that I was ‘not qualified’ for two posted jobs. I kinda call bullshit on needing a degree to teach English as a second language to non native English speakers on line. For $22 an hour working from home, I will study endlessly and research lesson plans and just…ANYTHING THAT KEEPS ME FROM REPEATED FAILURE AT TRYING TO COMFORM WHEN MY BRAIN SIMPLY CANNOT PERFORM THE ACCEPTABLE WAY.

Our other preggo cat gifted us with 5 more kittens today. I seem to have been assigned midwife and nursery duties by the mama cats as they insisted on having them, and keeping them, near me, in my room, and on my bed.

Heartbreaking thing is, these are not great cat moms. A few weeks in they run low on milk and lose interest in the babies and we can’t afford the kitten formula even if we are willing to hand feed them with bottles. The beauty of birth gets trampled by harsh reality and I’ve told every family member and friend the issue and they ‘can’t help’. But they can go eat out a steakhouse, buy new tires for the car, pay to fix up their bathroom, buy pricier clothing…

I may have complexes and low self esteem but I think my entire family is telling me how they feel about me and what they think of our unexpected kittens. We had every intention of getting them fix…Until the donor got over $4500 behind in child support. He gets to keep whatever income he has. live off whover’s name is on the bill, fail to comply with the court order to always inform them of address and employment changes…He is not compliant on one single factor. But they just let him skate and my daughter not only does without extras like basketball or cheerleading or science camp, she also gets a bunch of cruel classmates asking her why she doesn’t have a dad.

It’s been that way for 8 years. Before now, it has never really made me feel this lousy. But in rural country where ‘divorce’ is uttered as often as ‘rock n roll'(Like, never.) …No way this place could ever understand.

I think I missed a call earlier from The Woman Hating Lawyer From Hell. I haven’t worked up the nerve to even check messages. That man is so incompetent, there is never any good news. EVER. Now he is likely saying got the donor to sign off and I have to start letting him see Spook even though he is $4500 behind on child support and main reason for all our financial ills. I am just not in strong enough mental space tonight.

Hey, ILLINOIS LEGAL SYSTEM?????!!!!!

Where is your and the judge’s logic in not pursuing a chronic deadbeat, not holding him accountable for abandoning her when she was 2 wuthout even a kiss, and 8 years later he has shown zero interest in her well being at all? Why are his rights protected more than a 9 year old child’s right to have both parents supporting them, taking responsibility and loving them? I wonder at times if it’s the misogynistic ‘good ole boys’ network at play, comprised of a bunch of men in the legal profession who got screwed in their custody/divorce settlement so now they may represent the women but go out of their way to make sure the man comes pout ahead and the kid (s) get nothing.

Two week old toddle-bot kittens.

Same kittens at 3 weeks.

Mama and toddlebots.

And that is Hex with her little Hexlings, around 3 years old as of today.

I am totally spazzing out over the bills I can’t pay and will result in our water and power being turned off. My daughter keeps pushing me to have a fundraiser because we truly do need the help and we simply cannot abandon our kitty babies. I just…know how dejected I feel when a campaign fails to even get a single dollar donation in a month. I accept it, but I simply can’t bring myself to force her to accept it. She believes in the best in people and I won’t rob her of that.

Really though…if you call yourself a cat lover and know that all these kittens we have between the two mamas and yet the mamas can’t produce enough milk to keep them alive…if we are willing to receive a simple kitten bottle and formula directly as opposed to asking for cash…We are the real deal.

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