Archive for April, 2019

Topsy fricking Turvy

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 30, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I just talked to my dad on the phone. I made a comment about how that animal kennel job is still posted but I haven’t even gotten a nibble. Then he pointed out that by the time I paid for gas (it’s 35 miles one way) and racked up miles on the car, it wouldn’t be profitable. I was still despaired to not even get a call or something. He actually validated me FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE, EVER, and said, “You’ll find something eventually, you’ve just been out of the employment market for so long, it will take time.”

I thought I was gonna faint. Then I pondered if stepmonster was feeding him animal tranqs.

It was a nice change, don’t get me wrong, but it’s akin to Satan offering to install AC in Hell. It just doesn’t happen so when it does, it blows your mind.

I did not sleep well last night again but at least I slept some and got up this morning. More cold and gloom so my motivation is nil.

The Abilify gave me another skull crushing headache last night, the kind where even slivers of light make it throb worse, so I was laying in bed at 7:30 p.m with a thick blanket over me eyes. My daughter came in and told me I looked scary but, it wasn’t yet dark and even with my crypt-y dark room the hint of sunlight was causing me great agony. I hope this side effect goes away. It sucks.

I just realized I made a dentist appointment for Spook tomorrow after school since i missed her six month check up- and my check won’t come til Thursday so…I am gonna have to reach out.

Anyone spare $20 for gas and some cat food?

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook

That is our paypal direct deposit.

I offered to take my brother to work and walk the dogs to earn the money from my dad but he said they don’t need help and they don’t ‘have the money’, told me to cancel the appointment and reschedule. Without 24 hour notice, insurance gets billed then I catch hell from them…

So, um, yeah…We would be super grateful. Anything leftover I’d use to buy stamps, there are some job openings with her school for next school year but you have to submit an actual letter of interest through the mail. I think I could be a lunch lady or bus monitor. Though as usual, that damn misdemeanor on my record will likely bite me on the ass. I can still try and hope, though.

To everyone who has been so kind to us, thank you a million times. I truly am sorry that I keep asking to raise funds for stuff that is my own baggage. My dad is constantly making comments about ‘at least I don’t go expecting handouts’. A friend once told me the fundraisers weren’t asking for a handout, they were asking friends to help you in a tough situation where your best efforts have failed to let you help yourself.

I’m gonna go with what she said.

I am still looking to work from home. So desperate I signed up for ‘take surveys from home to earn money’ and now it’s fucking Spam city.

Next month is mental health awareness month so prepare to hear all about it and also, the end stigma commercials for those who don’t grasp mental illness. Let’s all mention that as much as possible during the month of May in an effort to educate and spread the word. Maybe if there wasn’t such stimga I’d already have been hired for a job by now. Mentally disordered doesn’t mean useless or dangerous. Let’s work together to drive that point home and become warriors in this battle.

Ya know, if everyone can stop watching and talking about Game Of Thrones long enough;)

I only said that cos my sister texted me at 9 last night and told me she needed a Xanax cos GOT was too fucking good and she was getting too hopped up and yelling at the TV.

I don’t get it but to each their own. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone bonkers for several shows that way. I just can’t remember right now with the gloom goggles on.

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook

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Bramble On…and On…and On….

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 29, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

My brain…
just initially interpreted ‘tabbed feed” as “webbed feet”.
I am not making up how altered my mind has been since the Nardil incident of 2000 where I nearly died from a med interaction and the local hospital sent me home with exhaustion. My brain got cooked good.
—–
The school principal called…
and my first question was, what did my kid do…
Man, I am a terrible mom.
The principal called because two fundraiser dinner tickets had been donated and she was offering them to us. Of course, I have no gas left in the car to get there and claim the tickets. I’ve filled the tank twice this month, ffs. Most of it has been running my brother to work and family shit, otherwise I’d have sat at home and saved the gas.
May is not looking any better, as my kid has a dentist, doctor, and eye doctor appointment, plus all the end of school activities.
If my family truly wanted to help me in a useful way, they’d give me like a $100 gift card to a gas station. That’d fill the tank three times and leave enough to get gas for the lawn mower each week.
——-
Man…
now I really feel like shit. Instantly assuming my kid was in trouble (or sick) and not having the gas to get 20 miles to the school to pick up the free meal tickets…I am failing the mom thing financially but looking back…both my parents worked, things were a hell of a lot cheaper, and my sister and I did without a lot of frivolity because they didn’t have the extra money.
Didn’t kill us, just added to our boredom and the FOMO, fear of missing out.
Man, a free meal and I missed it because of gas money. Cripes.
—–
More brain fuckery…

the company that makes the ‘stimulator’ device I want to try for my depression is Fisher Wallace. My brain keeps calling it Fisher Price. Geesh if kids need therapeutic toys for depression, the world is indeed in a sad state.
—–
The school…

must really feel sorry for my ‘deprived’ child, offering us free meals. We’re not flush with food right now thanks to that whole government shutdown debacle messing up timelines, but I don’t think we’re gonna starve this week, anyway.
I bet Spook pours it on thick, too, how broke we are.
For a broke deprived child she got to go to family movie night, the book fair, Wendy’s, Kentuollar Tree, and Burger Board. My dad and his woman paid for it all so technically, I was the one sitting home being deprived.

There’s another thought for them and their desire to help improve our lives on a small scale since daring to ask for money to keep power on was crossing a line…
Gift cards so I can occasionally go out for a meal with my kid.
Just make no mistake that my kid is far from deprived. On the other hand, I don’t get taken places, I don’t have people buying me clothes and giving me Power Wheels and a $200 dollhouse.
It’s not jealousy, just fact.
And since I am the one who does the work around here, I suppose on occasion it would just be nice to feel rewarded but I don’t dare do it out of our meager budget, that would be like taking from her just to appease my silliness.
—–
My only luxury…

the internet/data for my hotspot, is about to go away. I tried negotiating a better deal, getting a Lifeline contract, going with various companies…None of them can offer monthly stand alone internet for less than $65 and until I get employment or the donor starts paying…the internet/data is our only luxury item so it’s gonna be gone for good. Just 4 GB for my phone runs $30 and with me and Spook both, 4 gig is crap.
And just as I am thinking, Oh, well, I can go to town and use the free net at the library…I CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE SINCE WE’RE NOT RESIDENTS, IT’S SIXTY BUCKS EACH FOR US TO USE THE LIBRARY PER YEAR. So freebie fast food wifi it is…Except they toss you out if you can’t afford to buy anything, plus it costs gas money to get there…

Maybe it makes me a spoiled princess but just being able to keep data on my phone helps keep me from being too despaired. Losing that will be sensory deprivation. I don’t like sensory overload but being stuck here in Armpit with a gas tank on E, the internet is my sane keeper. Losing it and my full Xanax dose is gonna land me on an episode of “Making Of A Killer.”
Joking. Maybe.
—–

I am damaged…

The principal called back and said she would just bring the meals by to us tonight. First thing I do is grab the vacuum but, oh, wait, it’s still broken and throwing out more than it sucks up…Then I started thinking, wait, someone may have reported that my kid lives in unfit conditions and this is their way of getting into the house…
I know, I sound mad as a hatter but this is how scumbag brain operates.
Aside from the vacuum thing and some dust, it should be fine if she doesn’t go any further inside.
Otherwise she is going to see the cluttered middle room, a sink full of dirty dishes, piles of clean laundry to be folded in baskets, and a floor that needs mopped.
None of which I consider fatal. But others…have higher standards. Like way too high.
—–
I am painfully aware…

that I am becoming more and more of a paranoid personality disorder and my persecution complex is hitting new highs which are very low. That is the thing most can’t grasp about mental illness. It doesn’t matter how much you want ‘retrain’ your brain not to have these bad thoughts but it is not that simple.
—–
The principal…

didn’t even come inside. I met her outside and thanked her for the meals. It was delicious. Two pieces BBQ chicken, mashed taters, gravy, dinner roll and green beans. I ate everything but the container and bones. Even the spawn is eating it willingly. That was real nice of the people who donated the dinners and real nice of principal brought them to us since I couldn’t afford to go over there.

Which is embarrassing because I honestly thought I had more gas in the car and maybe I do but with a broken gauge I am relying on my math skills and numeric dyslexia. I try to write mileage and all that per tank but I have this fear that I will get the numbers reversed and run out of gas on the interstate. It’s irrational, I suppose I keep trying to explain to people that depression isn’t merely a mood disorder, it is also a thought disorder and not the behavioral kind. This is an all out war your own mind battles against reality and distortion and it’s nothing to do with being malleable or strong.

It’s a disorder like any other, even if society has bastardized it into something so stigmatic, people are ashamed to seek help or discuss it. For all the commercials about the topic of mental health, the reality is, we can’t relate to others on their level and they can’t relate on ours, and it leads to this cognitive dissonance. Not to mention how far behind the disability act employers are with the mentally disordered. We are treated as less than human sometimes and it pisses me off.
—–
Don’t get me started…
on those who are so ignorant they equate mental illness with some sort of intelligence deficit. Many people with mental health issues are quite smart, sometimes even Mensa smart (not me, but some are).

And if you are smart, then you can’t be mentally disabled.
Utter bullshit.
Ignorance should be classified as a disease of choice. Learning isn’t fatal, people just don’t want to be educated and enlightened. They are more comfortable holding onto their bias and misconceptions. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
—–
Shameless self promotion…
I’ve been told by people who use the reader that it is easy to miss my posts but they try to read when they can.
Here’s a few links to review recent posts on both blogs.

https://crazybeautifulrandom.wordpress.com/2019/04/29/mondays-thoughts-of-endgames/

https://crazybeautifulrandom.wordpress.com/2019/04/28/sunday-thoughts-so-effing-random/

https://crazybeautifulrandom.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/saturday-thought-slurry/

https://crazybeautifulrandom.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/friday-funked-up-music-thoughts/

https://crazybeautifulrandom.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/trending-thursday-thoughts/

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/29/shout-out-for-help-with-depression-treatment-device/

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/29/when-your-night-fucks-upyour-day/

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/28/dysphoric/

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/28/slush/

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/all-that-starts-as-shit-need-not-end-that-way/

——

And that ends the rambling for now.

Shout Out For Help With Depression Treatment Device

Posted in depression with tags , , , on April 29, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I have been wanting one of these for awhile now since I have had such rotten luck with antidepressants and they cut my Xanax and I can’t sleep for shit. $299 plus shipping and handling, and I have to get the ok by my psych nurse, they need documentation that I am indeed depressed. Like I’d make that up

Fisher Wallace Stimulator┬« – $300 Discount

I know I have no right to ask but by the time my check comes in, the device will be back up to $299 and insurance won’t pay a cent. So I figure, what have I got to lose? People ignore me? That is pretty much every day ending in d-a-y.

Worth a shot.

Read up on it. I sounds nutsy kookoo but I am desperate and willing to lick hallucinogenic toads at this point. And considering ERMD and the pulser treatments that are used today will never be covered by my insurance, it’s not any nuttier than those standardly used methods.

If you wish to help, our paypal info is here…

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook

We’re also struggling to afford flea meds for the cats, and I need a lawyer with a functioning brain and employers aren’t knocking down my door or blowing up my email and phone (even if I am blowing up all the job sites, snag, indeed, monster, with my apps and resume).

I understand not wanting to help or not being able to. But for me to even consider what essentially might be some fantasy voodoo device because I need symptom relief so desperately…This isn’t a matter of being happy. It’s a matter of not wanting to die every other day. It may work, it may not. Can’t be any more of a ripoff than $780 for a 30 day supply of Latuda which made me suicidal and more depressed. (Oh, now it says I could save extra money on shipping and processing by ordering in the next two hours.) I’m not one to jump on whackadoodle trends but with my current level of psych care…I’d about stick a fork in an outlet as a form of ECT if I thought it’d help.

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook

If you don’t do cash donation, we’d be happy with a six pack of Advantage Two for 9lbs and over cats. Having learned fleas can spread Typhus and knowing how bad I break out every flea season…it’s for their comfort as well as mine and Spook’s.
And a lawyer, well, I’d take a legal student who could advise me on my recourse with this lousy excuse for a lawyer I have right now. He has done more to ensure the donor’s rights than my child’s. These are not frivolous causes. And since the meds just fail and fail, I don’t see how trying the stimulator could hurt, except financially, if it doesn’t work. If it were to work, I might be able to fight my insurance for reimbursement since in the long term the meds end up costing more.

Please, thanks, and God and pegacorn bless.

When Your Night Fucks UpYour Day

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on April 29, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I had a menstrual meltdown last night. Inexplicable anger, tears, feelings of absolute doom and dismay, think I said ‘kill me now’ a few times. My kid did not know what to think but she was ready for bed before 8 p.m. Probably to escape crazy mommy. I was ready for bed myself. Once the dark thoughts set in and the hormonal distortion begins, you’re not going to ‘talk yourself out of’ how you are feeling. Just go to sleep and let your brain reboot.

Problem with that was I woke 4 times before 1 a.m. Then I got pissed off so I sat up and watched the last half hour of NCIS New Orleans and an episode of Major Crimes. I settled on something boring in black and white as my ‘send off’ background but it was another 90 minutes of tossing and turning and knowing if I didn’t get to sleep soon, I’d never want to peel myself out of bed come alarm time. Towards 4 a.m. I turned off the TV and turned on the laptop,put a crime doc in the background, and within 40 minutes…I had drifted out. Only to wake at 5:30 then when the alarm did go off, it was me and the snooze button holding hands til 7:15. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. My entire body aches, the cramps are still haunting me. I couldn’t wait to get my kid out the door to school and resume my fetal position in fort blankie and nod off again.

That was an hour ago and I’m still awake. In pain, depressed, anxious, sleepy, and pissed off. Because I couldn’t sleep through the night it has now thrown off my entire day. Because had I gotten a good night’s sleep, I’d be ready to face the day with more motivation and energy and perhaps accomplish some stuff. Now…I am exhausted. I am irate. It’s a gloomy wet day, so of course, my mood is in the gutter on that front alone. (Yet the sun was triggering me yesterday, wtf???)

I just want to feel better, I really do. Why can’t my mind and body just cooperate with me?

Since I can’t change my shitty night, I am going to try to lay down and maybe nap a bit and perhaps have a resurgence of ‘give a damn’ when I wake. IF I can nod off. May work some painkiller in there somewhere, too. Not really wanting to take Abilify after how loopy the first dose made me but I will. Eventually. Like maybe after I eat. I am hungry as hell but since every food gives me reflux and I can’t afford Pepcid, I fear eating, even bland non heartburn inducing foods.

The sad thing is, about 80% of my weeks are like this. The interrupted sleep totally throws off my mental state for the next day and whatever plans I’d had or whims I’d wanted to indulge are down the drain. It’s difficult to get back on your feet when your own mental dysfunction keeps sweeping your legs out from under you.

I just want a job I can do from home. I want my body to just go through menopause already and stop this monthly insanity. I want to take my kid on her first vacation, keep the bills paid, get a different lawyer and rid myself of the donor, I want to get the cats flea meds so I won’t be swollen and broken out all spring and summer…I just want the weather to pick a topic and stay there for more than one day.

Right now I’d settle for an hour or two of sleep because I really am hurting and I really am exhausted physically and mentally. A brain reboot could be just what I need. Whether scumbag brain and body cooperate, though, is up in the air.

When I get this disgusted with myself I am reminded of a line from a Pink song. “Don’t wanna be my friend no more.”

I am fed up with myself but unlike others who can walk away from my madness…I am stuck here with said madness and I gotta tell you…
it fucking sucks.

Dysphoric

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 28, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Feeling really aggravated and overwhelmed today. All the kittens running loose is driving me nuts, but it got down to 40 and is cold as hell out today so I’m not going to put them outdoors yet. May put them in the bathroom in a time out.

I got a bath finally cos my nasty hair was bugging me. Then I took my first dose of Abilify. For a bit, I wasn’t feeling any ill effects. Now suddenly I feel dizzy, a little groggy, and nauseated. Not amused.

I am on day 10 of my monthly hormonal dysphoric disorder and the cramps are hurting my back. I am irate. For no apparent reason. I just want it over with so I can maybe get 15 days of not being in physical pain and more bitchbeast than usual.

I told my dad I’d come have lunch with them today. I wish I hadn’t. I’m not feeling it now, for sure.

I am trying to do little chores around the house but I am so far behind and so overwhelmed, it seems fucking pointless. And my kid doesn’t help, she piles her stuff in the living room then lets it all fall to the floor and won’t throw away trash. And I harp and do NOT let her get away with it, she just doesn’t care and keeps doing it. I guess I should have been one of the fierce butt whooping ‘control with physical fear’ parents but it just isn’t me.

Okay, I am not liking how I am feeling since I took the Abilify. Might try it with food tomorrow. If this doesn’t go away, I am gonna be very pissed and very disappointed. This nausea and loopiness was why I went off lithium and avoided it like the plague.

I just wanted a gloomy calm day. Instead it’s bright and sunny, but not warm enough to enjoy going outside.

Gah. And I got notified that my applications for 3 more jobs had been closed out, position filled, and not even an interview call. It’s discouraging. I feel like the plague myself, no one wants to touch me as far as employment. And I can’t say I blame them, I am a basketcase without my full Xanax, and my moods are more down than up but far from stable. The littlest things stress me out so much I melt down.

Yet if I want to keep the cats fed and stuff, I gotta find a way to make money.

I had a nightmare last night that the donor came to visit Spook and took her away from me. It wasn’t realistic as it had grandparents involved paying for his lawyer and his parents are dead (I checked death records in Canada, to be sure, cos he lies so much.) It was truly frightening. I am busting my butt trying to be a good mom but all it taks is someone to imply otherwise and I start coming undone.

I had a decent day or two, at least, mentally. Sometimes, it’s as good as it gets.

Slush

Posted in depression with tags , , , , , on April 28, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Give my Spook-a-boo a like and subscribe, please. Like it twice, cos our kitten Axl is so adorbs.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSFrhl77kAz3UpMsUfNXteg

Today has been a letdown, compared to yesterday. Yesterday ended on a positive mental note, I got the lawn mowed and felt accomplished…I even made a lawn ranger video, I’m fucking Hank Hill now, sans propane and propane accessories. Seriously, though, skim that clip, just to get an idea of how huge our lawn really is. And I do it by myself with a single pushmower, so fuck anyone who thinks me lazy.

Today was 30 degrees cooler, gray, and wet so as usual, the weather impacts my mental state and…I’ve been circling the drain today.

Dad asked me to take their man child to his job so we went to town and Spook got to spend her Easter gift cards. We ate at KFC, then endured 20 minutes in line at Dollar Tree due to a broken cash register. Previously freezing, I began overheating and to feel like the humidity was smothering me.

My former neighbor now has a full time job and a part time cash paying job, and I still have no job. Which everyone is pointing out left and right, cos I’m not fucking aware enough or feeling shitty enough.

My self esteem is slush, liquified and lacking stability.

It makes me feel low, full of self loathing, feelings of failure, and this adds to the anxiety that we need the money NOW to keep paying the rent and power, I don’t have time for employers to decide they like me or go through 6 levels of hell and red tape for the state to declare me fit to work in home health care, which aside from fast good, is about the only job market here. And I’ve already been rejected even for McDonald’s where my brother got hired-and he’s so mentally impaired, he can’t even be trusted to drive himself to and from work daily despite being 23.

Yeah, I am…not feeling good about myself today.

Hoping it’s pms dysphoria combined with coming off Lexapro and switching to Abilify but when your family daily gives you negative input so you never ever feel worthy and your self esteem never rises out of the damn cess pool…

It’s not self pity. It is these people who allegedly love me being dicks who discourage me and damage me more than they build me up and help me.

I don’t blame my depression and anxiety on them, but they sure as hell do make it escalate and that is on them.

I’m ready for bed.

Fuck depression, fuck anxiety, and fuck asshole family members who can only show love by pretty much destroying your self esteem and mental well being.

All That Starts As Shit…Need Not End That Way

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , on April 27, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I had a rough time sleeping last night. Getting to sleep. Staying asleep. Not letting the nightmares freak me out so much I avoided trying for more sleep. Alarm time and thankfully, my kid was already up and getting ready and even bothered to feed the cats for a change. But then, she had one of her epic ‘everything is your fault, you don’t love me, i hate you mom’ fits last night and I refused to interact so she basically tired herself out and fell asleep without tuck in. I did go check on her, cover her, and such, but when someone is screaming in your face and NOTHING you say can defuse the situation…you kinda just gotta make a clean break and hope for the best. Once again, it was all about how much she hates living here in Armpit. They had a school field trip yesterday and that involved schools from in town, as well, so she ran into many of her old buddies and it just sent her to shreds..FOUR hours after she got home and all was well. The meltdowns she has don’t seem inorganic, I am starting to think she may be on the spectrum. That has little to do with intelligence or having a good personality, it is all about her little mind not being able to process an overload of emotion-positive or negative- properly. I have her well kid check up next month, I am gonna ask the ped doc if she would advise a psych referral, even if it’s just counseling. I’ve had her seeing the school guidance counselor but ‘he is a man’ and she feels he doesn’t hear her, but I got her a female at one time and she didn’t like her either…Maybe cos they are saying she has to mind the rules and not be a terrorist and she doesn’t like it coming from any gender or family member.

Last night was rough and I tried to ground her from the school’s once year movie night, which was tonight. Stepmonster agreed that an hour long screaming tantrum did not warrant being rewarded. Then today my dad showed up unnannounced to make me feel like the bloody movie grinch and point out they were taking the neighbor boy they babysit and he loves my kid so I should just give her a different punishment but let her go…This from the man who once kicked me with a steel toe boot for getting a speeding ticket-which I paid for myself at age 17. I’d like to think he did it for my kid, but the truth is, they are so caught up in that little neighbor boy, I’d bet it was him fussing that made my dad ask me to reconsider Spook’s discipline. With that family faction, males are treated as fucking royalty, even if not related.

So she got to go to the movie with them tonight and should be home in the next hour–ish but her punishment is that she can’t go to town to spend her Easter gift cards til we MUST go to town next Wednesday for her dental appointment. Making my kid wait to blow money is pretty fucking cruel, honestly. And the cash she had with her tonight, even tho an Easter gift, I made it clear it was to go on the book fair, NO candy, NO toys. Because I am a fucking monster who uses discipline of this nature in an effort to make my kid not turn out to be a psychopath. Or sociopath.

My day started out miserably. The pain killers weren’t working. The anxiety was making my heart rate skyrocket. I couldn’t curl up in fort blankie cos scumbag brain was spinning out…So I used that time to make calls, which is,for me, akin, to volunteering to be a dental patient at a school sans Novacaine. 45 minutes just with state child supportment alone and they still have no news for me and I said, figured, but I WANT IT RECORDED THAT I CHECK IN EVERY MONTH BECAUSE THIS ISN’T ABOUT A FAILED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, THIS IS ABOUT A RESPONSIBILITY A FATHER HAS TO HIS DAUGHTER. Since my lawyer and the judge are on the donor’s side more than Spook’s, I want a record of me fighting for what is rightfully hers.

I doubled the painkiller and forced myself into clean clothes and a brush of the hair and some deodorant. But I was still hurting. I didn’t want to go to town, I have been there 7 out of 9 days and that costs money, ffs, and no, family get togethers don’t get you reimbursed. But I went. I tackled my pharmacy transfer where the insurance decided to be a cockweasel and make me wait a half hour while 3 different people tried to enter the info and get it to go through. Finally, it did. I picked up a freebie microwave a friend left at my mom’s for me, since our 1970’s rotary dial one doesn’t even have a working timer…Then I came home and was aching and crampy and all…I wanted was to lay down and breathe.

Then I saw that today was the only rain free day expected for a week and the lawn was already a fucking jungle so I started mowing…in increments. And there are spots I missed so the lawn has little mohawks and faux-hawks. But I got it done finally. Omg, it’s like mowing a baseball field with a push mower. But I did it. Now that my dad and his woman will give me any credit, they could only point out the flaws and that they make extra money mowing multiple lawns a day. THEY HAVE 3 RIDERS AND 4 PUSH MOWERS AND THERE’S 3 OF THEM. Here, it is just me and one push mower. So yeah, for all their bitching that I am lazy, I deserve some fucking credit for getting out there and doing it, even if I was in oompa loompa ovary-spine agony. Now the backs of my leg muscles are aching and I have blisters on my feet but…I fucking did it, damn it. BY MYSELF.

Because I am not lazy. And I have some physical ailments but I never complain about anything that isn’t truly debilitating.

But hey…I got errands done, my kid got to see her movie, I got the lawn mowed…Now I just need to feed myself and tuck my kid in when she gets back and I can call it a successful day. I am sore and in pain and my mind is still screeching profanity like a banshee cos it all sucks so much….

I did it. I ticked off a bunch of stuff from the ‘set one or two goals, complete them, then you can feel your feelings’.

My feelings now are physical pain and sheer mental exhaustion.

I did it. And I am not even gonna focus on the fact that I didn’t even get call backs for the kennel job or overnight shelf stocking that I really was interested in.

I will call today a win. And if anyone disagrees…