Unemployable-stick a fork in me, my self confidence is done

I did not think it could get worse, but ha, it did. And I predicted it a couple weeks back. My special ed 23 year old brother who can’t even scrub the moss off his teeth…just got hired by McDonald’s. A place that wouldn’t even grant me an interview once I honestly answered that I am not a fast learner or fast worker. He moves at the speed of sludge, with an IQ to match, and while this may sound like immature sour grapes…it’s not. He’s a misogynistic racist just like our dear old dad and has the people skills of a KKK member. I guess if you’re a fast learner, fast worker, and don’t have to fret scheduling because you have a kid and childcare for one day costs more than part time gigs pay per day…

I am frustrated. I did not want to work at McDonald’s, I freak out just going in there to eat. It’s pure madness and chaos and noise and people and of course, that is everything that makes me come flying apart. BUT I wanted to at least be considered for one day a week during off hours while Spook was in school. Not that $24 before taxes would help us recoup the cost of gas, let alone get caught up on our bills, but I was willing to TRY. And for being honest, I get stuck in The Loser Corner. I am trying to be happy for me, a bit bummed for me, but hold my head up and just keep fighting and trying.

But really…how awful must I be that even McDonald’s rejects me as a possibility? I know I clean up better than him, I am way friendlier than him, and I have restaurant experience even if from 20 years ago…My confidence is deeply wounded. I guess I am lashing out. And truth be told,short of working from home in my safety zone where I can better manage my chaos…I don’t feel prepared to go back into the rat race of a workforce. I just don’t seem to have any choice since the state has no interest in going after the useless donor.

Okay, it’s not his fault that we had to move, or that our bills doubled, but it damn sure is his fault for jerking us around the last three years with now he’s paying, now he’s not, and we never get a head’s up that we’re losing the income…

I need to lick my wounds a bit. And then apply some strong Teflon coated salve because I know my dad will soon be calling to tout the man child as the best thing since tapioca since he got a job. He can work two months a year, pay no rent, do no chores, and they still think he’s the second coming. Whereas I am just a lowly self pitying unemployable loser. He is so fucking impaired, they won’t even let him drive himself to work during the day, they take him to town, then go and fetch him cos he’s a horrid driver. My God, I think I’d be less insulted if I was passed over for at least an interview by Grimace and the fry guys.

It’s just ego. I am writing again, I am making the efforts to do whatever I can, I am clinging to the cliff by my fingernails because I damn well know I am a decent person, I am fairly bright, and I rock the casbah with creativity when I am not blocked, and my motivation is TO SUPPORT MY CHILD WITHOUT HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. Much like the doctors, I just need to find the right fit that helps me flourish instead of flourder or fail.

What I don’t have is time while I hunt down this pegacorn. My kid’s I want monster is like living with my own personal attendant to beat me down daily and remind me how inadequate a provider I am. Because I am not painfully aware already. What was it said in an earlier post about life being a lot like when a bitter pill gets stuck in your throat?

Tonight I shall put salve on my ego and recuperate and start anew tomorrow. IF my mental health cooperates. I will also be posting a new short story on my Cryptic Verse blog so keep an eye out for that if that sort of thing appeals to you.


One Response to “Unemployable-stick a fork in me, my self confidence is done”

  1. Damn! That’s just wrong! Your a lovely person! So decent, so caring, and I for one think macdonalds was wrong to reject you! Their so shitty! I’m just sorry things are so tough for you and spook! I hope you will get something soon. Hugs!

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