How To Get My Groove Back…Seriously, HOW?

Blech, I just choked down a Xanax and it got caught on my tongue and I tried 3 times before it finally washed down. Now I can’t get that disgusting taste to go away. Kind of a fitting statement about how bitter life itself can be. (But if you think all I can write about is doom and gloom, please do check out my latest short story about love and romance.)

So…I have never read the book nor watched the movie on how this Stella woman got her groove back but I surmise that it’s about a woman getting back into dating or love or some drivel of that nature. Not that sexy drivel isn’t awesome but right now, what I need is my GROOVE back. Like, the whole mental groove, my creativity, my ability to make decisions, my ability to well, have a spine. To feel joy instead of perpetual dread and crave only for the nothingness of sleep. It could be weeks before I know if this Lexapro-Wellbutrin combo is gonna do anything good and by then I will be out of both….So sages of the internet who seem to have all the answers on how to fix depression by running a hamster wheel or chugging thick green veggie based concoctions…How does one find their groove when it is MIA under layers of disorder, clinical depression, and return to agoraphobia thanks to my sanity calm pills being cut 75%?

Furthermore, how am I NOT to take this whole lack of communication by the psych center’s director as a personal affront? I called back when she instructed. I called again. I left two messages. 4 days later not even a call from the receptionist to say, well, the director is very busy but she will email or call at this time on this day…Is basic communication really asking that much from these people? I don’t dare call again lest I get labeled with needy bitch sydrome and get another red mark on my permanent record. (Joke, though they are pretty quick to stick labels in your chart without even discussing it with you, thus kind of making it hard to work through the problem in counsling.) I think the silence itself may be the message. I have proven to be too much a thorn in their sides so they just want me to go away. Oh, wait, is that me not owning my feelings and blaming others for how I feel? (Really the dude who wrote that piece of garbage makes me feel all Z Whacky cos it’s so much crap.) If these people would get back to me and communicate, I would not be feeling all venomous and defensive and hopeless. I think my feelings are very much the result of their behavior and I take great umbrage. I own my feelings, but I know from experience that if I am not completely ignored, I don’t have these same feelings. How is it not at least partly their fault?

Oh, there I go, looking for whose fault and playing the blame game. So now I feel weak and crappy and guilt tripp-y.

This therapy shit has made me a more neurotic bundle of dysfunction, truth be told. It used to be wonderful and supportive and helpful but once it became behavioral therapy and everyone was borderline…all they did was confuse me more and make me feel diseased and toxic as opposed to being able to fix basic personality flaws that hinder me in life. Ya know, like the depressions, the manic episodes, the fight or flight perpetual anxiety…All which apparently can now be cured with behavioral modification and cognitive behavioral therapy. Hard to have success with methods that simply do not help you as an individual even if they help millions on a whole. And true to societal form, if what works for millions doesn’t work for you, the flaw is most certainly with you. Thank God clothing isn’t sold in this one size fits all manner, I’d look ridiculous wearing my kid’s clothing.

I want OUT of this rut. I can’t even decide what to cook myself for supper most days. Last night I nuked some crumbled hamburger and added a dab of milk and powdered cheese flavoring from generic hamburer helper. I just can’t seem to make choices anymore. Mostly I find myself in deer-in-headlights pose. This whole ‘just do it’ thing doesn’t work for me. If it did, I wouldn’t have wasted 20 plus years on a medi go round being told by half a dozen counselors everything that is wrong about me. It is so easy for those who recover from clinical depression to hand out advice without even considering your personal situation and how your chemistry may be different than theirs.

So rather than asking how to cure depression with crystals and wheat germ and running marathons, I am asking how to get my happy mojo groove back at least in a small portion. I must admit, being able to write, even if just mindless blog drivel and some short poetry and stories, is helping. But things are so dire financially I think maybe it’s more nervous escapism than any true creativity. I do love to purge my demons via wifi and keyboard. I exercise the hell out of them but they never go away, they just get really buff. (Okay, bad joke, but I can still joke so it’s something.)

What would boost my self confidence and lower my stress would be to find a work at home gig. I don’t care if bottom of the barrel porn writing or answering someone else’s email or social media feeds. I am fightng for survival here, never underestimate the motivation of a mama bear trying to care for her cub. And now that I know we don’t even have the option of staying with family, it’s more important than ever to keep what little we do have.

This is where I curse our former scumlord for selling the place out from under us thus forcing a move that costs twice as much as the old place did. I curse the donor for being a chronic deadbeat. I curse myself for being unstable and unappealing as an employee. But what can I do but keep trying and hope at some point some kindly soul gives me a shot? If a local place were to call, of course, I’d lobby hard to get hired but since the phone ain’t ringing…I’m dispatching all my tentacles in an effort to find someone willing to roll the dice. Remember, mama bears trying to support their demon seed cubs are pretty inclined to do whatever they can for survival. Even cream corn foot porn. (How is that remotely sexy to anyone?)

Okay, so since I have been writing a bit more on my other blogs, I will give you some links, check them out if you wish.

For any single parents doing battle over child support you may find this post of interest.

Poetry fans, I wrote a very short one that has a lot of meaning to it.

Short fiction stories are here and here.

And if you’re just quirky and like a good ramble about a bunch of crazy random stuff,do see this post . And if you have a bit of a dirty sense of humor, go see this post.

Methinks that is enough flagrant self promotion. For now.

And because I can…how about a funny cat pic.

Also if you spot my groove and return it, I will actually write a very short post for once. Ha ha ha.

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2 Responses to “How To Get My Groove Back…Seriously, HOW?”

  1. Electric shock therapy, cold water treatment, most questionable Victorian ‘therapy’ methods that were banned!
    They might help
    And the

  2. Before it posted and interupted my flow…

    …cat picture is pretty much accurate of every devious feline that lived, so not only funny but educational

    Ps: the fact you still posting here, hope already…

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