Let’s Get Ready to RAMBLE…

Yes, Ramble, not rumble. I recently got my ass kicked by a male cat for interfering with his attempts to romance our girls and ended up with multiple scalp wounds and a bloody face. My kid helped by screaming in my face at the sight of blood dripping from scalp to chin. I told her not to look. Point being, I’m not much of a fighter so no rumble. However, I am a master at rambling so let’s begin.

Trazadone was an epic fail again on putting me to sleep within 3 hours. And it didn’t keep me down, I was up probably six times. Very frustrating. And I even set the alarm an hour early so I’d have plenty of snooze time without causing my kid to miss the bus. I set it for 5:30. Even with snooze going off every ten minutes, it took me til 7:05 to drag ass out of bed. THAT IS the Trazadone, I don’t have that issue with melatonin or Xanax, or antihistamines. I cannot imagine living my life this way 7 days a week, it is just unacceptable. Of course, psych nurse will just say the dose is too low and I will be right back on that crazy train to 400 mg and still not sleeping yet still feeling hungover and unable to get out of bed. It’s damn near criminal the way they are so script happy as long as a drug isn’t known to be ‘addictive’ and cause a potential lawsuit against them.

Yeah, yeah, I need to get the hell over it or find a different place. Well, if I lived outside the 9th circle of midwest hell, that might be feasible. But the doctors that are so far away from me often only accept one form of my insurance and won’t accept me without cash up front for the non covered fees so…Too broke to get competent care. Sadly, it’s a common theme here in the U.S. as far as mental health care is concern. Or that idiotic term ‘behavioral health’ they are force feeding me.

Think about it. If mental health is little more than us behave in an abnormal way and we have the power through force of will and behavior modification, they have negated their entire field of practice cos…no one really needs medicated if they can just change their bad behavior. I don’t even get their logic. Though something tells me this change in terminology likely came from psychologists and insurance big wigs cos most doctors who practice this field actually believe it’s legit. I’m not buying it from my experience with osteopath docs and nurse practitioners lacking in empathy who spend all their time clacking on the computer keyboard. (It’s just irritating talking to someone on a computer making noise while you’re trying to look them in the eye and get across how crappy you are feeling.)

Spook had Sunday-itis after sis returned her yesterday. That is a condition in which every Sunday towards evening she starts feeling ‘sick’. Oddly it seems only to happen to this extreme on Sundays and best I can guess is, she just HATES the podunk school system so much it makes her sick with anxiety. Yet I have little choice but to make her go if she’s not burning up or throwing up. Having to repeat 4th grade at Podunk Elementary due to too many absences wouldn’t help her cause in the long term, just a short term respite. And she’s too damn smart to flunk out, having brought up pretty much every one of her grades from last quarter. My experience with a school I loathed resulted in slipping from honor roll to repeating biology and pre algebra cos I was too bullied and stressed to focus, not to mention it bored the fuck out of me. (Well, except for that time we had to dissect frogs and I made my friend Ryan cut it up, then we chased the cheerleaders round the room with frog innards. That was funny, though I still call bullshit on being forced to cut up any animal, I won’t make Spook do it even if it gets a failing grade. Then again, knowing my little ghoul, she just might enjoy grossing classmates out with frog innards like her mummy.)

I had bizarre dreams last night. Lots of murder, vampires, then one particularly vivid dream where we were back in town and R was in my face again. I recall feeling a false sense of relief cos I don’t like not getting along with people, but I also remember, even in a dream, feeling trapped by the prospect of him visiting constantly and driving me bonkers with his politics. See, I really do prefer being alone, friends are best when on line and unable to get on my nerves. Sorry, it may make me unlikeable but it’s true. I’m not good at relationships. I admit this. I also admit that being forced into so much therapy has made me hyper aware and quick to point out any neuroses others have. I mean, I’ve been forced to change so much about myself to make others feel comfortable, how come I’m a monster if I expect the same of others? Other than a couple of really great counselors, I think for the most part it did more damage than good in the big picture. Who wants to be friends with someone always psychoanalyzing their behavior and pointed it out for the bullshit it is? The donor used to yell, “Can’t you just let me have my denial?” Hmmm. NOPE. I am a merciless bitch that way.

Anyway, I woke from the R nightmare and felt soooo relieved that it was just a bad dream. I don’t ever wanna go back to someone having that much control over me for no other reasons that it was financially beneficial and I felt obligated. And people just showing up univited expecting me to entertain them and drop whatever I do or don’t have going on, that was never gonna end well anyway. See ‘merciless bitch’ admission above. I love love love having friends on line, it’s the perfect situation for me. I get to have contact, but from a safe distance, and I get to be my goofy (some say funny) self but never have to fear a drop in visit. It’s been my M.O. for 20 years and it serves me well even if the rest of the world disagrees. Like they have any right to judge me when they get together in groups then everyone spends all their time doing stuff on their phone and rarely interacting with each other. Been there, hated it, thought it was stupid. Mind you, I don’t care if people check their phones or whatever, we all do it. But to gather in a group of 8 and everyone (but me, cos I’m not rude that way) on their phones and oblivious…NOPE.

Waiting to hear if they’re gonna let school out early. Again. I was out earlier to get a money order and pay the water bill and the roads were slick in spots so more rain and below freezing temps will turn the interstate and back roads into an ice rink. I want my kid safe, of course, but I feel bad for the crib midgets (I’ll be saying that one a lot, get used to it) missing their entire spring break cos of this shit.

Okay, so I am gonna try to talk myself into some housework. I don’t need the Tragic H*te ball to tell it’s not looking good for housework. These cold wet gloomy days just drag me under then the sunny days that are cold set off my anxiety…At least with the warmth will come (hopefully) an end to being cooped up. Just in time to spend 2 months solid with my perpetually bored crib midget.

End Of Ramble…Or is it? Muhahaha.


2 Responses to “Let’s Get Ready to RAMBLE…”

  1. With your dreams/nightmares, I wonder how they’d feel about prazosin? It basically is for the nightmares, so they’d have to acknowledge PTSD as an important component of your sleep issues. But, it is pretty much the only thing that ever helped me sleep/deal with nightmares. Combined with low blood pressure from dysautonomia it also caused enough fainting spells I had to give up. It is my “one that got away” for medicine, though. It actually helped me sleep when nothing else did, helped with nightmares. Also, not addictive;-) I can’t take it myself, but I would recommend to anyone with PTSD and screwed up sleep who doesn’t have dysautonomia.

    • I still have most of a bottle of that stuff. It helped one night then the bad dreams returned. They offered to increase the dose but I already take so many pills I can’t see taking even more that don’t do much.

      I just find it messed up that bad as the dreams are,I kind of enjoy them if only cos of the creativity. Just wish I could get back to putting it into my writing instead of only while asleep.

      On Mon, Feb 11, 2019, 11:18 AM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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