Another Round With Me And Trazzy-D

Yesterday’s trip to town was unpleasant but productive, I got stuff done, including finally getting my Trazadone that had been sitting at the pharmacy over a week. These igets at the psych office and insurance company won’t even make an attempt to coordinate so I am left having to get my scripts filled willy nilly at the cost of a 22 mile trip to town and back so it’s about $4.50 in gas, not to mention time and aggravation, oh and then them saying they understand but I still have to be compliant and take my medications as prescribed. Seriously? Here’s a thought: Let me sign up to have them sent in the mail, the only real controlled substance that would be an issue is Xanax, and insurance won’t cover but the bare minimum so no danger of too many pills. But these psych nurses simply don’t give more than 4 weeks of refills at a time even on antidepressants. And those two week refills ’til next appointment’ end up costing me twice because insurance won’t refill until my final two week fill is done, and there’s another $4.50 into town that I can’t afford. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN, THIS PSYCH CENTER HAS ME SO STRESSED OUT OVER SIMPLE SHIT AS WELL AS THE MAJOR STUFF, THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!

But to the nurse’s credit, some of the miscommunications have been my own inability to comprehend and keep track of the right words so I will have to apologize for that. I won’t, however, apologize for being ticked off about their other ineptitudes, and I think for my own benefit, I will start recording each session on my phone. That way I can reference the conversation to know I truly didn’t get it as opposed to she misspoke but blamed me. And that sounds paranoid and daffy as fuck but gaslighting has become a constant thing because people do use my mental health issues as a reason to absolve their own shitty communcation or behavior. “She’s nuts, who’s gonna believe her anyway? Definitely can make her think it’s her fault.” If so many hadn’t done it to me (and I took to recording conversations those times, too, to prove to myself I wasn’t so nuts) I wouldn’t have such an issue of paranoia.

I digress. We went to 7 different stores yesterday and that is exhausting, but I am to the point where if I don’t stop at multiple places to get the best deal on items, then we’re not gonna have toilet paper, cat food, and also people food. It’s a delicate juggling/balancing act. It helped that the weather wasn’t so awful yesterday, just very very cold. Today I woke to 2 inches of snow and was relieved I got stuff done yesterday. If I were doing the same thing in this weather, I’d probably get everything at one store, blow my budget entirely, then be pissed at myself for short cutting it to avoid, well, stores and people and the elements.

Spook is still at her grandma’s in town, they are supposed to bring her back this afternoon. I gotta say, after six weeks of her being home every single day, I kind of needed a break but..I was a little lost within a couple of hours. You get used to even annoying stuff like hearing “Mom, I’m hungry!” every 15 minutes. Kind of like how used I was to that dog at mom’s house and being there now with Chelsea dead, it seems so quiet and lonely there. That goofy dog and her incessant barking and desperate need to love on people is really missed.

Me and Trazzy D…Last script I had for this stuff was in 2008. Once she came along, I couldn’t deal with 14 hour black out sleeps followed by two hours to wake up and shake off the headache hangover. So for 9 years I’ve basically lived on sleeping in 90 minute spurts and it is exhausting. I broke down and asked if we could try Trazzy-D again. Just starting at 50 mg (pretty minor if you consider my old dose was 400 every night) but daunting enough that I waited til a night my kid wouldn’t be home and I wouldn’t be required to be constantly alert or get up early and function. I took it at 6:45 last night, figuring that would give it time to kick in. I was still awake at 9 p.m. and pissed as hell. My own fault, I guess, trying to do with less pills. I took my usual slow cocktail of melatonin and antihistamines and last I looked it was after 11:30 and I was zonked. I got up only once during the night and got right back to sleep. Then came the alarm at 9:15 a.m. Ugh, bad flashbacks. I had to pee, I was thirsty as hell, the cats were stomping my head in a plea to be fed…and I still didn’t manage to drag ass out of bed til after 11 a.m. I was awake, but not alert, not motivated. HUNGOVER. And these hangovers are much worse than any booze hangover.

What has surprised me, though…I actually feel rested and calm. Whaaat? Of course, I also feel like my limbs way a hundred pounds and someone cracked me over the head with a Z-whacker but…Maybe this Trazadone thing is gonna be a good thing for me. Though I’m gonna have to set the alarm for 3 a.m. to accommodate the inability to come to and jump at it quickly enough to make her schedule. But…it is nice for once to not feel exhausted and…I am not even grinding my teeth today! Woohoo, yes, Virginia, there is Santa and a Sandman.

I feel pretty shitty that I have done nothing around the house. I was supposed to kick ass and take names on all this housework but ya know, 9 years of never sleeping more than 4 hours in a row…I guess I have earned some down time. The Trazadone side effects will lessen in a week or so once my system adjusts and if I don’t go bonkers on the high doses…It could be a good thing. Just gonna let myself breathe today. Though I am a bit embarrassed that my sister is gonna come inside and see how the place has gone to hell. She’s a clean freak and I can just imagine how she will report to mom who will then have a powwow with my dad over how awful it is that Spook has to live this way. (Last I checked, unfolded baskets of clothes weren’t a form of abuse or neglect, they are clean, just…not organizd.) I wish it didn’t bother me. It really used to didn’t but once Spook came along and they started throwing out the ‘they’ll take your kid away if you don’t become a domestic goddess’ (that was my interpretation, not their words, close enough) now even when things are great and caught up…I still don’t want people invading my safe space with their judgments and unfair expectations. If it’s so bad, how come none of them offer to help me out?

Because this family lives to growl and bitch and judge others while doing nothing positive to help. I’ve accepted this as who they are, I just don’t want it near me.

I hope the next week passes quickly and that the Trazadone headaches do fade cos…I ain’t liking the headache hangover thing. If I am gonna feel this way, I want it to be because I went on a bender and had some fun first.

I am grateful for the sleep, though, so very grateful, even if it took over 7 pills to get it done. And mind you, that is because the nurse gives me antihistamines for sleep but because of my allergies, I would require 12 benadryl just to get to yawn territory, let alone sleep. I’ve been on Benadryl since I was 7, ffs. If it don’t help, it’s superfluous, but it does help with my anxious itchiness so I stay on it. Just tried to make it clear to her that it does not help with sleep at all, not that she cares.

Okay, I am done being a ball of sunshine spewing pleasantness now. Maybe I didn’t inherit my family’s penchant for tidiness but they taught me how to bitch, moan, and criticize like a boss.

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3 Responses to “Another Round With Me And Trazzy-D”

  1. Wow, those trisp into town sound awful! So sorry they can’t send the meds in the mail.

    I really hope Trazodone will do what it’s supposed to and not give you as bad a hangover. Is this supposed to get better with time?

    • All the literature and forums I’ve seen claim that the side effects lessen or go away within a week or two. But I have a known sensitivty to all meds so it was never my experience even at high doses for years. I am hopeful things will be different this time around, not gonna hold my breath, though. May just be an occasional sort of med because I can’t do 7 days a week with a pounding head. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

      The trips are harsh on me. Oddly we lived in town over 10 years and I had my issues going out but now that I’ve been ensconced in tiny town, all the traffic and people are a mega trigger for panic. Hopefully one day we can afford to move back to town, or better, out of this state. Seasonal affective depression might not be so bad if we lived in a less extreme climate during the winter.

      On Sun, Feb 10, 2019 at 12:01 PM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. I can’t do Trazadone. The first night it knocks me right off my feet. Have to be in bed already to take that dose and then it goes downhill from there. Later and later each night and it takes brainy me to realize that weeks have gone by and I am not sleeping at all. Of course both hospital stays they put me back on it to help me sleep hah! Get out and back off of it.

    When I first started the Remeron it worked great at putting me to sleep, but it doesn’t do much now. Eventually drugs wear off. All I can say now is that I am not suffering from mania and that is a good thing. Just depressed as hell.

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