The Clock Is Cruel

I swear I have looked at the clock a hundred times today since waking at 6:50 after hitting snooze twice in hopes of finishing my bizarre, yet better than reality, dreams. (Yes, oddly, being charged with murder is better than my reality. A lawyer and jury might help me escape that fate, no escaping depression.) It was a high anxiety day right out of the gate as it was the first dry, sunny day in, well, days, and while that is better for my mood…it does make me wind up like a clock about to bust its springs. I try to talk myself out of it yet the anxiety is like crawling bugs all over my skin. AWESOME TIME TO CUT MY ANXIETY MED 3/4, ASS TRASH PSYCH NURSE! Oh, I am not supposed to be bitter and childish by calling names? Fuckitol. I took a liberal dose of it today cos I am really just over trying to make people be interested in my writing or interested in my battles with mental health and bad life circumstances.I get it, no one cares. Fuck you. Unless you relate to my posts and they give you a laugh or a “Hey, I feel like that sometimes, too!”

I’ve looked at the clock no fewer than 2 dozen times since 7:30, and I keep double, triple checking the time in case the wall clock is wrong due to failure or dead battery…Yet that is not the case, the clocks are fine. It is just my perception of time, in my current mental state, that feels like the days are neverending. And it has been like that since day one here in Armpit. I never felt the days were this long and grueling in town, at the trailer. As it happens, I actually miss being so called ‘trailer trash’ cos I was much happier there and then than I am here. No, it doesn’t matter that we now live in a ‘classier’ house. It costs twice as much to live here as it did in town at Cedarbroke (brook, but prior to being bought out, broke really was fitting.)

My kid and I have spent the evening looking for metal versions of her fave pop songs on youtube so I can choke them down, and amazingly we found much common ground. That makes me happy. Mind you, there were a couple that were what I call ‘channeling satan’ death metal growling snarling vocals which even I was like um, NO…but I am 46 and my kid is 9. If we agree on music, pop or rock…it’s a good thing. But again, I was clock watching and it was going so slowly, I checked multiple clocks over a 15 minute period cos I was convinced I HAD to be perceiving the time wrong, no way could it go that slowly. But…it does.

Now it is 8:35 and I am loaded up on melatonin and antihistmines and hoping the day’s frustrating activities don’t keep me aggravated and awake all night. The donor owes Spook $3500 in support but they still have no record of him being employed. Yet he still has a roof overhead, electricity, a car…What the actual fuck, Illinois? Don’t tell me you take child support seriously and put the kids first when in fact, the non custodial parents seem to get every benefit of the doubt, every break, and take zero responsibility. If I did that, I’d be in prison for child abandonment. It is not right that deadbeat parents get to walk out, not contribute, not see the child, and yet maintain the same rights as the parent who stuck around. I ain’t looking for an award for doing what is right. However, I AM looking for the man who made it clear when I was battling pregnancy minus my meds, “It’s your pregnancy, but WE ARE HAVING A BABY.” We? For 8 years now, it’s just been me. And Spook has said she doesn’t understand why me and the donor can’t just get along, which is logical but totally unfair. He walked out. He keeps losing jobs and ignoring court ordered support. He has had no interest in seeing her in 8 years even though he tells everyone I won’t let him see her. He won’t even talk to the lawyer to fill out the visitation forms to file with the court, which was due by Sept. 28th…but because I can’t afford a process server and the donor avoids me and the lawyer..the court lets him good away with avoidance and gives him the benefit of the doubt.

Several years ago when I was harping on all this the counselor told me I needed to let it go cos obviously the donor just needed ‘more time’ to get his act together. So I gave him 8 years and he still can’t be arsed yet I’ve been here all along, in spite of money issues, in spite of mental illness…and no one gives me the benefit of the doubt. And I ain’t saying this is exclusive to custodial moms, it goes for dads, too. Custodial parents are often taken for granted and mistreated and the child is who suffers and it’s like the courts are saying grown adults have the right to abandon their kids as long as they leave them with a responsible party. Not sure that will ever make sense to me.

It is 8:44 now. Spook is in bed. Tomrrow she sleeps at her grandma’s in town and I am already in mom withdrawal. Seriously, I get a 2 hour break and I am like ;now what, I am a mom with no kid, wtf? If I were in a good mental state I would be writing, reading, or at the least, be interested in watching my fave shows. But at this time…Nope.

So bring on the two hour coma sleep and if I do wake, as usual, let me get back to sleep quickly. I have used the red stop sign visualization, the breathing, and the counting backwards thing to the nth,sometimes it works, other times, it just makes time pass more slowly and I am left with a rapid heartbeat and knowledge that I can’t take a Xanax that would slow things down and make it so much better. They have even lowered my antihistamine, ffs, which is supposed to be for sleep and anxiety but they lowered it. How is anyone supposed to find this helpful? They are doing more harm than good yet refuse to see it for what it is.

I doubt this rant made a lot of sense but I tried writing two other times earlier and just drafted it cos it was mental gruel. I just wanted to vent about the irony of sunny days helping my mood yet making my anxiety unbearable. Fuck a fancy bag.

Here’s my kid headbanging to a metal version of Baby Shark. She bloody well rocks! (Metal version by Leo M from youtube)


3 Responses to “The Clock Is Cruel”

  1. The clock can be cruel sometimes… but we (human beings) have something to beat it. We need a routine to follow. I know maybe this is not what you we’re expecting but the truth is that it works.

    Another option is that you could also take the clock out of your sight or even remove the batteries. The thing is to focus on something else with this one.

    • I tried doing without a wall clock but with a kid in school, I feel it necessary to always be aware of the time so she doesn’t miss her bus and make sure I am here when she gets home.

      I know the importance of routine and we have ours. Some days are just worse than others because my mind is so unquiet. Hard to find inner peace when your mind is the very thing causing you to feel so off kilter.
      I also noticed I have this thing where I lock onto something, like clock watching, and it consumes me mentally and I can’t talk myself out of it, it just has to run its course.
      Maybe this summer when school is out I will attempt the removal of the wall clock thing again, though last time it left me more rattled than soothed. I’ll try it, though. I once got so desperate I had my chakras aligned so I am obviously willing to try whatever might work.

      • The good thing is that you’re willing to try anything it takes to manage, minimize and overcome these feelings. Which is great because it shows you have a positive mental attitude towards finding the solution. Keep trying with this mindset and you’ll find what works best for you!

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