Daily Grind

I have noticed a return to former coping mechanisms and actions I am not even aware I am doing, since they lowered my Xanax to 1 mg for the whole day. Teeth grinding. I try to be mindful of it and not do it but the next thing I know…I’m doing it and my gums are aching. I tried bite plates once upon a time, to no avail, I still found a way to inadvertently tighten my jaw and ‘gnash’ the plate. I also have this off and on thing where I rub my fingers together in a circular motion though that could actually be a facet of tardive dyskenesia from years on Seroquel. My awesome shrink said he noticed all sorts of involuntary twitches in me and was going to see about getting me on a med to correct the damage…then he left and since then, not one of their professionals have mentioned noticing the behavior, let alone treating it. I have tried to bring it up but they say they don’t see it, end of story. Being shut down like that is really on my last nerve, it’s like they refuse to entertain even the possibility the other doctor was right and they are just too inexperienced or oblivious to see it. Yet they have zero problem sticking diagnoses on me from previous doctors without even trying to assess me themselves.

I must be MINDFUL (I hate that fucking word) that at least I have access to insurance covered care which is more than a lot of people have. Maybe the care is lacking but I need to show gratitude for what I do have that others do not. It’s difficult, however, to be grateful for what I perceive as poor mental health care based on the insurance that I do have and my status as disabled. If I had private insurance, I’d likely have more access to better care. Again, though, I have to be thankful for what I do have when so many don’t even have this much.

I have been searching my soul, trying to discern if my dissatisfaction with this second nurse practitioner is some bratty reaction to having my Xanax cut even lower than it was when I was pregnant (because even the ob-gyn could see I was suffering and he deemed it more harmful to my unborn child to have a mom so strung out on anxiety). I am definitely salty about it, but I think if they had prepared me ahead of time and said, “due to the opiod crisis, we are going to be tapering everyone on the benzos”, my reaction would have been less…explosive. I don’t like surprises, I like a heads up so I have time to acclimate to new things and major changes. The old regime doctors were pretty good about accommodating my aversion to surprise and change. It has only been the current regime and psych nurses who are apathetic to it. They view it as handholding which we are supposed to get from counselors and I just can’t fathom this mentality when even my least favorite doctor was a nice enough man who made me feel like he was team Morgue. My needs just aren’t being met under this new regime and of course, if you are unhappy with something, it weighs heavily on your mind. I admit I could have handled it better than snapping and cursing but again…if I’d been given warning, I wouldn’t have been caught unaware and likely my reaction would have been more rational.

I am so unsettled by this new regime that I even broke my own edict about the local counseling place and called to see what I need to do to get back into therapy. I don’t really want to, I don’t think their behavioral based mentality, is going to be helpful to me but this nurse doc situation has me feeling really alone and ignored. I was hoping they still offered shrink services there so I could just combine the two at one location but alas, they discontinued that program.I find that so fucked up since they merged with one of the biggest hospitals in the region thus giving access more easily to a psych staff nut…Change. It’s icky.

I am not grinding my teeth now. Now, I am chewing my tongue. I woke up today and in spite of a decent enough sleep, I just felt…wired with anxiety. And I am supposed to take my kid to town for her shindig at grandma’s and damn it, she hasn’t seen them in weeks cos of the ass trash weather and us being trapped in Armpit, she totally deserves time with her family but…it’s got me feeling pretty rattled. She makes me nuts with her incessant chatter but she is my heart and if my heart isn’t here with me, I just feel…off. Yet during the summer it didn’t bother me in the least so I am not sure what this current clinginess is about.

My mood seems to be hovering in a tolerable place. Not happy, not sad, but the anxiety sure does make that level mental space shaky. I’m not looking forward to a trip to town. I’m already 1 mg into my Xanax cos it seems to help with the jaw and teeth grind. A trip to town may require a break in to the stash, which I must use sparingly now that the benzo nazis are in charge. Man, if licking toads made me calm down and gain clarity like Xanax does, I’d do that instead. I just use what works best and having that slowly taken away from me is a slap in the face, they don’t trust me to police my own use. (Thank you addicts for fucking up everything for the rest of us who use the meds properly.)

Wish me luck, the trips to town are becoming more and more daunting because well, people think their car is a phone booth thus I have to drive for myself and for them to avoid bumper car incidents. Jerks.

One thing about it, I am glad I am not a vampire. Grinding fangs would turn my mouth into a bloody mess.

Yeah, yeah, bad joke, but accurate.


One Response to “Daily Grind”

  1. good luck in town today! lol about grinding fangs! that’s hilarious! ❤

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