To Hell(mart) And Back and Censorship Sucks

We’re under a weather watch for 3 days, a possible 7 inches of snow coming our way, so I finally forced myself to go to town for groceries. I was too exhausted just battling Hellmart (Walmart) to bother going to any other stores even to save a buck or two. Man, that store gets me cussing and frustrated and angry almost instantaneously. And it was busy as hell cos of course, everyone in the surrounding Podunk wants to ‘stock up’ in case we’re facing some storm of the century thing. Trips to town are less escape, more terror inducing these days. My dad and stepmom seem to think this means I am adapting and hate bigger towns. No, I just hate fucking morons who have confused their with being a phone booth. City folks got nothing over the rednecks or small town charmers.

A friend emailed me and suggested I keep track of my mental state but keep it rated G cos doctors can have their sensibilities offended by such awfulness as words like ‘fuck’ and ‘asshole’. She’s not wrong. But the thing is, I do make every effort in certain situations, to use situation appropriate language. So I’m not so uncouth that I don’t know the difference in how to carry myself with a doctor say, versus swapping ‘fuck you’ trucker talk with my dad’s crew. Thing is, even with my filters in place, I don’t always manage to catch myself and there are times…

I don’t wanna be fucking censored. My blog is one of those places. If swear words offend the nurse or doc, oh, well. How can they expect me to be honest with them about how bad I am feeling if I have to spend the whole time watching my language like some lame pre-teen? I keep a handwritten journal, as well, and filters are off in it, too. This is me. Of course, I would never go to a school event, church, or court proceeding touting everyone as ‘jackass clownfaces.’ But if I am supposed to be honest about my mental state? The swearing-to-normal-word ration is the most telling. Much like people who disintegrate into using strings of emojis in texts because they’re too drunk to type…if I am bursting through my own filters and swearing out loud, it’s because…I’m falling apart. (I think I muttered ‘hate this fucking place’ six times at hellmart, because I couldn’t find anything and no one was around to help and it was wall to wall people and I bumped into several of them and….oh, fuck it, fuck fuck fuckity fuck it.)

My friend has a point, and I am going to take it to heart in future ‘private’ writings to track my moods and anxiety. But my blog and vlog…this is me. Deal with it. Or go back to the G rated pages.

Also…I like my tech as much as anyone but when I hear ‘there is an app for that’ concerning mental health issues and it doesn’t involve free therapy…It’s little more than breathing exercises, natures sounds, and mindfulness bullshit. If that helps you, you are so fortunate. For me, it does nothing to slow down my heartbeat during the panic attacks so that I can hear anything over my own thudding heart muscle. Having said that, I’d like to try this Calm app that is getting so much ad space on my TV though I suspect my mp3’s of thundering rainstorm would be just as soothing. Now you give me a therapist in an app so I can get the damn nurse off my back about therapy, I’d be all in. Sadly, my insurance doesn’t cover such ‘luxuries’. How hysterical is that? The doctor and nurse think it’s crucial to my progress but my insurance only covers minute services at one very disreputable place….

Sometimes, I think the message is ‘you don’t matter cos you’re mentally unstable so kill yourself already.’

And it is those dark moments when I want to give up and give in that I am so very very thankful….

to be a foul mouthed bitchbeast who has zero probably saying OH FUCK YOU! even to her own brain.

Besides, I never Tipper Gore and her PMRC censor my heavy metal music when I was a kid, I’ll be damned if anyone will censor me as I face turning 46 this month.

Fuckest thou. There, I did it classy and Shakespeare like 🙂


One Response to “To Hell(mart) And Back and Censorship Sucks”

  1. Calm sucks you in with a few free ones then when you are mind-blowingly bored of them, everything else is paid. Insight timer is pretty much the same thing and genuinely free. There’s more dross, but also some really good leaders who don’t make my ADHD brain want to give me a panic attack just to spice things up. Try it and pay attention to the ratings if you want something similar but free.

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