Out Of Gas

I’m not sure I even have fumes left to run on.I got about two hours of sleep, then woke at 1 a.m. so I could spend 3 hours horking up sinus drainage. It took more melatonin and diphenhydrmaine to get back to sleep, where I dreamt and don’t remember dreaming but I remember waking with an unsettled feeling so…it wasn’t pleasant. The sinus pressure has me ready to chop off my own head. The PMDD cramps are shooting right through to my spine. Not helping my S.A.D is that it’s a very cold, very gray day. I suppose the fact it’s dry as opposed to raining or snowing is a plus. I’m too damn tired and drain-y and crampy to feel much gratitude.

I got gutsy and called my dad asking to borrow $5 for gas cos I need to get to town twice for the holiday shindig. He’s sick as hell himself with this cold bullshit and he hasn’t been working, so of course the answer was no, you caught us at a bad time. Funny, they can give my sister $50 to clean their house (stepmom’s not working atm, either) but they can’t loan me a fiver to put gas in my car. Do they think I’m proud of having to ask for even minute help? I said, never mind, I’ll figure it out, and proceeded to empty 3/4 gallon of gas into my car’s tank that was left in the shed from mowing season. Not sure it will get me the 50 miles I need to get to town and back twice, but I have no other ideas. I’ve pawned off my most my dvds (fifty cents each, was hardly worth it) and the guy offered me $75 for ALL my electronics cos they’re all so old and it’s not worth packing it all into town for that. Seriously, $75 for a laptop, desktop, two lcd tvs and a tablet? Well, come to think of it, the only thing there that cost me more than $110 was the tablet and my mom bought it for me, so yeah, my crap is well, pretty crappy when even not pawn worthy.

My kid went to bed at 6 p.m. last night, she is so worn out from the cold and all the coughing. Poor thing, I’ve medicated her much as I can and myself, I am all but hooked up to an IV of various antihistamines in hopes of drying up the sinus drainage and relieving some of the pressure in my head. It’s days like this where everything just hurts and I realize, hokey or not, ‘as long as you have your health’, that actually is something. I don’t do sick with grace. It just pisses me off to be sick. My brain, fine, fucker hasn’t worked right since birth. My body, though, I’ve always had a killer immune system and very little illness. Now it’s sinuses and colds and cramps and my spine feels like the ovary oompa loompas are chewing their way through…

I am dreading Thanksgiving. Gah, every damn year it’s the same thing, mom and sis spend $500 for one bloody meal, it takes forever to cook then clean up, and we’re all full after the first plate anyway so we have to wait for seconds or desserts…Then we’ll talk about how much they spent and all the work they did and for what, and HELLO, I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS!!! Even back when my grandma did it, I never quite grasped going this far out for a single bloody meal. Don’t get me started on what a let down Christmas is…I wish I was feeling festive, I wish I could just embrace the love of family, but frankly…Not feeling it. In the least. I fact, I’m already plotting ways to escape after only an hour or two of attendance but since I have the beloved granddaughter,I’m probably gonna be stuck there far longer than I want to be. And it’s not just family bullshit or hellidays. This is the seasonal depression, it makes me not want to be around others lest I poison them with a disorder I can’t control and sure as hell don’t want.

I still haven’t done fuck all around the house, I’m just worn out between cramps and sinus pain and not sleeping well. I fed the cats, does that count as my big accomplishment for the day? I’m still a little bruised from my call with dad. I mean, I know things aren’t great for them, but I literally would repay them the $5 when my check comes on the first, it wouldn’t actually break them. They always have a few hundred in the bank as a cushion so a five dollar ask didn’t seem like a drama creator for me but…it was and now my self esteem is in the gutter. Your family should make you feel better about yourself but mine…never worked that way. They may mean well but their bedside manner’s part of why spending time with them is more endurance test than pleasure even outside of the depressions.

I thought I’d go to town today for supplies to make noodles but honestly…it’s going to be 15 degrees warmer tomorrow so I will likely just wait. This whole gas tank situation has me nervous but unfortunately the repair on that is going to be around $300 so I’m gonna have to just keep writing mileage on my post it notes and trying to track mileage and gas use that way. If it weren’t for that one thing, this car would be ideal. For someone with numerical dyslexia and an anxiety disorder…guessing games aren’t fun, just stressful. And the interstate between Armpit and Bumfuck isn’t the place to be playing ‘do I have enough gas to get there and back’ in 28 degree weather.

Damn. NOw I feel shitty for putting dad on the spot and asking for that $5. I budgeted my money to the cent, but when the oil had to be changed in the car, it added an extra 40 miles on the tank to get to the mechanic so that’s why I’m coming up short for fuel. At worst, I’d have thought they’d have asked what I needed in town and offered to grab it for me…arghhhh. Not even 10 a.m. and I feel the need for a Xanax. But ya know, even when my dad isn’t under the weather, he’s still got a prick-ish bedside manner. I ask my mom for $5, she’ll say, “Oh, I would if I had it, but I don’t.” My dad…has to turn it into a guilt trip on the non blessed hellride, like you’re asking for an organ transplant. So I don’t tell them when I need things then they say stupid shit like, “Well, why didn’t you tell us you needed that?”

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Me, in pain, with rioting hormones, my kid home for 4 days, and the family get together.

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. I wanna be sedated.

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