Why do I bother with optimism…

So Spook and I went to town today, trading a chicken for a ham, basically. Meaning I gave my sister $35 ham for our family Thanksgiving (plus I am making $15 in chicken noodles) and she gave me cat litter and food for a week. It’s a foreign concept to people now, taking things out in trade like that,but from what I can gather, for hundreds of years, people have used the barter system to get what they need by giving what they have to spare. I’ve no problem with it. Maybe if it I were a monster I’d just put all the cats out in the cold and let them starve so I could save some dollars and stress but…my conscience would make that worse rather than better. I mean, I’m the sap who makes warm gravy to put on the cheapo cat food so they find it more appealing.

I got a text first thing from Sexting Pervert, whom I have not heard from in 2 months after he sent dick pics and I just put him on ignore. I was filled with disgust knowing I would need to go to the store where he was obviously working, since the text came in before 7 a.m. and anyone who knows fuck all about me knows…Saturday is my ONLY day to sleep after 7 a.m. But I went there and got to hear him brag again about his 2013 Mustang he went broke buying and he offered to take me for a ride any time…then I said, “Don’t send me naked pics,I don’t like that shit.” And he was like, “Well, can you send me some of you, that’s hot!” IN FRONT OF MY KID, he said this, thankully she lives only on her own planet and pays little mind to grown ups. (Seriously, if I ever get cut up after a klutzy lawn mower incident, Spook will let me bleed out before she thinks to check me for signs of life.) Anyway, she told me he obviously liked me so I asked, should I give him a chance and she said yes.

Silly old me skipped banter and innuendo and plainly texted back to him, “If you’re just looking to get laid, that is not me,I am gonna save us both some time by putting it out there.” He thanked me for my honesty and I’ve not heard a word since. I thought, ya know, since he’s been hitting on me for 2 years that it might be something more mature than a pervy hook up but at least I know now…I was right, he only wanted one thing and by telling him he wasn’t gonna get it from me…Problem solved. Worst of humanity confirmed. Kind of disappointed, I’d kind of hoped he truly found me intriguing but meh, whatever. I’m about to turn 46, all this high school hook up sexting bullshit simply isn’t for me. Sadly, others consider me prudish. Hmmph, those fucks have zero idea how much money I spent on garter belts, thigh highs, and crotchless panties in the 90’s with my first husband…I’m slutty as I wanna be if there’s trust and substance involved.

Spook and I had our movie night and watched ‘Stan Helsing’. It was hilarious, though much humor was lost on her as I’ve never let her watch movies like Jeepers Creepers. I mean, my mom let me watch rated R horror movies when I was 7 but I wasn’t prone to nightmares like Spook is. My sister let her watch the new movie “It” and she was having nightmares for 3 weeks after. I thought parodies of horror movies would be less tramatic for her, she’s watched “Vampires Suck” and “Shriek if you know what I did last Friday the 13th” numerous times…I think the “YMCA” tune with the words “it’s fun to kill S-T-A-N” is gonna stick to me for awhile. It was just fricking funny.

Today wasn’t great, but I wasn’t preoccupied with ‘this is futile’ thoughts so I will call it a win. I got dressed, we went to town, we bought supplies then we watched a movie together…During which she admitted, “I know I said I didn’t want the Magic Tracks thing for Christmas, cos I was afraid what people would say about me getting a ‘boy toy’ but I really do want one.” And I was like YOU GO GIRL! I’m not hung up on gender stereoptypes and have never intentionally pushed it on her. One year, I even bought her a tool kit cos she liked pretending to use a hammer and ‘fix’ things. (And I’ve been known to ask for staple guns, screwdriver sets, and other ‘boy toys’ for Xmas- this year I want a cheapo cordless drill, but oh, well, now I need windshield wipers, bloody hell.) I am definitely not happy fun ball mom cos of the depression but I am making the effort to try. TRY. I mean, with depression, happy fun ball is kind of reserved for when you’re manic cos the mood stabilizers aren’t working properly. Mostly I want to sleep and just not participate in what shit the country has become but in spite of my disabilities, my small income, my inability so focus…

I’ve not walked out on my kid. I may let her down because I can’t give her $30 for the school book fair so she has to endure her friends taunting her with how much they could buy…But shitty as things get for me, I’ve never abandoned her to spare myself. I’ve been here since before day one, when she was living rent free in my utuerus…I am not a perfect mom. But I am a GOOD mom. And I am a present mom, even if I can’t afford for her to participate in all the extra curriculars, She’s only 9 so ‘stuff’ and ‘popularity’ are what matter most to her but in the big picture…She’s fed, clothed, has heat, running water, pets, a tablet (even if it dies after 15 minutes), a TV and VCR, a portable dvd player, that fancy ass dollhouse grandma got her…It’s not like she’s truly deprived or neglected. But having been that age I do remember how important those small things like book orders and book fairs and after school activities mean. Good news is…it sucks, but it’s not fatal.

So, the blog have youtube channel now. Only 3 videos posted so far but please check them out. The one about X-mas, Spook said, “I feel like we’re manipulating people” and I asked her to tell me what manipulate means. She said, “Well, making them want to watch our video.” Hmm…Not sure posting a link and leaving everyone with free will to click and watch it or not but…there was no intent to manipulate or be phony. I kind of thought seeing how we interact together, unscripted, would be more honest than any blog post I can write. Seeing is believing, right?

So check out our channel, give horror movie parodies a chance, and don’t forget to worship at the altar of Spork tomorrow. Yes, that’s a thing in my world. Sue me.

2 Responses to “Why do I bother with optimism…”

  1. What year, make and model car do you currently drive again? Sorry I am suffering from a bad case of post-Thanksgiving CRS. I know it’s out there if I was in the mood and had the time to long-distance stalk you once again, but I’m not and I don’t. Hope your Thanksgiving was at least a little better than tolerable. ❤ DM (Duhh Mass 😀 hey, self-deprecating humor, look at that!) With Love, and sporks of fortitude.

    • ’01 Chevy Lumina. Stepmonster fixed the wiper blades, we’ll see how long it lasts.
      The one thing I want fixed more than all else on this car isn’t really relevant to its operation as long as I keep track of mileage and the gas I put into it. Mechanic said a sending unit for the tank is about $300 so that is never gonna happen, I’m gonna have to live with the constant anxiety of a broken gas gauge.
      I hate my effed up brain.

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