Avalanche

Ok, so it was more like 3 inches of snow, but it was enough that I got a 5 a.m. call saying school was canceled. I was a bit relieved because I’d been anxious for hours, looking out to see if it had started to snow yet. I was still wide awake 4 hours after I took the dreaded Seroquel and I could take it no more so I addded 75 mg Benadryl and eventually, nodded off. Only to wake at 2 a.m. and feel head achey and hungover yet I could not get back to sleep. I halved one of the few melatonin left and tossed and turned some more. I had just nodded off again when I got the call canceling school. Once that was resolved, I took another 25mg Seroquel (bottle says 1-2 tablets as needed so no overdosage), thinking I could sleep til 9 or 10 at least. Only to be wakened again at 7 a.m. by my dad wanting to know if there was school, which is kind of stupid since they don’t have small kids and it has no impact on them, but I then again, it’s long been a way midwesterners check road conditions. If school gets cancelled, it isn’t good. Pfft, I went back to sleep again…

Spook woke me after 9 and asked if it was time for school. I told her school was off, go play in the snow, I’d be up in a few…She woke me again at 10 to let me know I needed to get up and she’d already had a chat with our neighbor about how I was still in bed and I better not sleep til noon…I told her to make herself some hot cocoa and a cinnamon roll and I’d be up shortly…And I had every intention of getting up, I had no desire to sleep til noon. And yet..That’s what happened. She finally came in to berate me that it was noon and I HAD to get up. And thus begins another day of self loathing, and why? Because I can’t sleep and the meds they give me to help fix this fuck me up this much.

So I got up with a throbbing headache and felt dazed and confused (Seroquel has always made me feel out there, like I missed a day or something, off the planet) and while she continued to berate and nag me, I realized she’d been up the entire time without even watering or feeding the cats so I had to do that while trying to swim into consciousness. She was more self sufficient as a 4 year old than she is now and is grosses me out, honestly. I already have a 23 year old brother who operates at emotional level of 10 and most of it is learned because dad and stepmonster decided he was a simpleton and they’ve kept him that way. I want my child to blossum, to become independent, to become self sufficient and help out more because honestly, at her age I was ten times more mentally mature and responsible so maybe I am too tough on her for that reason but…At the same time I don’t think it’s cool that she stressed me out less when she was only 2 and totally dependent on me for pretty much everything.

I am coming out of the haze, but my sinuses are still fucked up so the pain remains in that area and my body feels achey and bruised, which means I apparently got too much sleep even if it was in 90 minute increments. I guess I’d be better off if I could just 4 solid hours. Idk. I just know I’ve been a single mom for 7 years and no matter how many depressive cycles, I’ve never felt like such an utter failure as a mother as I do when I take Seroquel and I can’t fight its sedating properties or pry myself out of its grip. I think I’d feel less guilty if I was hungover from a booze binge, because then I’d have brought it on myself by choosing to drink. To feel this shitty by simply taking a prescribed medication-one,mind you, that millions of other people take daily without incident, this is unfuckingcool. My disorders may interfere with me being a happy fun ball mom but it’s never kept me from getting up to feed my kid. The ‘treatments’ for the disorders do though.

I just want a new bottle of melatonin, I can’t handle the Seroquel hangovers on a daily basis. As I recall it was that and the oversleeping that made me go off the crap in the first place. While I would love to stay asleep as much as possible cos even my nightmares are more positive than my reality, I cannot be on a med that even low dose makes me unable to be a parent. That to me makes perfect sense yet to the medical professionals it is considered non compliance. Because hey why should you expect to remain lucid on meds, you should absolutely need a babysitter on call for when rendered useless.

I know I am negative nelly these days and I don’t like it, either, but the one thing I swore I’d never do in this blog is put up a front. This is me in my true ugly depressive form.The ‘how can anyone have this much bad luck,for real’ chick. 2018 has been a non blessed hellride with no signs of looking up. It boggles me that six weeks ago, I was actually in a decent place. Not perfect, but not a medded out zombie, not a ‘not bathed in over a week’ lump. The depressions that come with season change are like ninjas attacking from all angles. The only up side is that my anxiety is lower so I don’t need as much Xanax. Again, one of those catch 22 treatment things. If you take the full allowed dose per day, you’re abusing it or using it as a crutch. If you don’t take max dose, then you’re hindering your own improvement…

Something’s got to give, soon. The house smells like a big litter box because I’ve scooped as much as I can but I was lead to believe I’d be getting money for babysitting except their job fell through so mine did, too. We’re all in suckageville, I guess. I don’t feel rested, at all, if anything, I feel more tired than I did when I woke at 2 a.m. So if sleep isn’t the answer, trying your best gets you nowhere, and praying to every deity available for some clarity as to how to help yourself fails…

The old me would me have probably obliterated reality with any pills inducing sleep because, well, I could and had no reason not to. Now I have a kid counting on me and even if she’s being a butt munch, I owe it to her not to fall to pieces or become an overly medicated drumpf. I’m going to keep hanging in there, and do some more praying. There’s got to be a way to survive this outside of hospitalization.

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