Desperately Seeking Order Amidst Mental Chaos

My weekend was spent in a haze of my own cold symptoms, with a child projectile vomiting, and me trying to manage while loopy on some sort of day cold pills that on top of my other meds…well, I liked feeling loopy over yesterday’s misery of illness(I didn’t open the computer, I only had a can of soup, and went thru half a box of tissues all the while shivering and sweating simultaneously.)It was fun. NOT. Every hour passed so slowly and I couldn’t well nap it off with her on the loose…by the time darkness came around, I was ready to sleep.I slept in hour increments, up and down all night.

Kid and I are better today. Seems her illness was caused by a stay at grandma’s house in which they let her eat a dozen cookies then cake then ice cream….Mine I got from dad’s faction as they were sick with cold and flu all last week. I bothered putting on clean clothes today and made my bed, but I don’t think I’m gonna accomplish much more than that. The sinus pressure in my head is miserable, causing my ears to ache and my head to hurt. On top of it all I got my monthly pmdd so I am crampy, aching,my back hurts, and an hour phone conversation with my dad nearly had me so irate I wanted to scream at him. Just nothing but him putting down people with anxiety, people with depression, people on disability, people who complain about, well, anything…Ugh, drinking cyanide would be a less miserable experience.

I need to spewage, a purge, but I can’t get my thoughts organized. My mind, as always, is like a twister…I heard from the lawyer but I was half wigged out when I talked to him, something about how he tried to get hold of the donor and when he finally did, the donor hung up on him and refused to take any more of his calls. He is allegedly working but the gf won’t disclose where. The state can’t trace his social security number cos he has privacy rights so there’s not a damn thing I can do legally except wish upon stars that wheverever he works follows the law and turns in new employees to the state…..Argh. Feeling powerless is not my thing. I am used to being hindered by my conditions. I am used to being hobbled by life’s shitty twists. But knowing I’m the only advocate Spook has and I have done everything to the letter of the law to pursue the donor for support, now the man won’t even speak through legal channels and I have no recourse.

That powerlessness kills me.

I have dreams of magic Focalin that could help the swirling cyclone in my brain into some sort of semblance of coherency…But I also have all sorts of bizarre dreams, I don’t even bother with the anti nightmare pills anymore. And the Seroquel, even at measly 25 mg bedtime, makes me so fucking loopy, I apparently look drunk.I’m hanging by a tether as usual and waiting it out, the cold, the pmdd, the fiancial stress, the weather changes…

I’m doing what I can right now and just…hoping come Christmas morning I’ve managed to pull some bunnies out of hats so she has a few things under the tree. It makes me lose sleep.

At least she got one parent with a heart and a conscience, crazy train rider I may be.

Tis the season if you’re of the mind to give. There may be better causes but atm, my child and cats are the only causes I can focus on for now.

Selfish as it may seem…it’s kind of all I can focus on.


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