Have You Ever…

Have you ever wanted to curl into a ball?
Have you ever wanted to say to hell with it all?
Have you ever been haunted by feelings so strong
That you think your every thought is wrong?
Have you ever tried living it up and letting it go?
Were you able to sever ties, close your eyes, and just know?
That you were doing the only thing, the right thing for yourself
Have you ever felt your best intentions are a hazard to your mental health?
_________________

I’m lost. I simply don’t know how else to put it.

Nothing I do is ever right, ever enough, it’s always lacking. And while I am my own harshest critic, I am also one of the few to cut myself some slack because I know how I feel is genuine, my intentions are pure, and while I may guilt trip over ‘taking’ from those kind enough to donate to our fundraiser while child support is MIA… I assure you our gratitude is a thousand percent real, but so is my shame and guilt for having to resort to fundraisers. This was so not how my life was supposed to turn out. I moved out of my parents’ home at 17, held a full time job, got my own apartment…To be 45 and begging strangers to commit random acts of kindness for my child and me…it’s…bitter pill to swallow and yet, I have to do it. Aside from a couple of long time friends expressing kindness and generosity, it hasn’t been a very successful fundraiser. I’m trying. It’s all I’ve got.

Another thing that has me pissy is that living in Armpit, my dad’s faction and neighbors rely on me time to time to fetch them stuff in town and they give me the money for it but…Being spotted buying $15 of vodka or $14 worth of Milkbones has people giving me the stink eye. It ain’t their business and I am okay helping people out as long as they reciprocate on occasion but…I DO get bent buying stuff for others, even with their money, and others take it as a sign that I am well off and can afford such luxuries,I’m just a spendthrift. Oh, and YES, Milkbone dog biscuits are something I consider a luxury. Personally,if I had $14 for dog biscuits, I’d just as soon buy the cats cans of real tuna or Fancy Feast and mix it with some cheap pasta to fill their tummies. (Old trick my grandma taught me when they had all their pets but couldn’t afford actual pet food, powderd milk makes excellent gravy for the cats to warm their tummies and pasta is filling and of course, tuna or canned food flavors it… Really, my family was so broke one winter we lived on eggs and Jowl for weeks at a time cos it was what we could afford. At the time, I thought it was punishment, like I was such an awful kid, that was all the gruel I deserved to eat. Now that I am much older and a single parent, I understand that…you do what you gotta do to feed your kid, even if they bitch and moan and call you cheap and a starver. (She’s 9, only way I will win the food war is to let her live on fried chicken drumsticks, cookies, and ice cream.) Still, I make sure to have grapes or apples or oranges on hand, so she gets a healthy side with whatever frozen ‘alleged meat’ product she wants to eat. (And the irony is not lost on me, considering my sister and I would essentially live on microwave chicken nuggets/strips and french fries.)

Lately Spook’s been asking (okay, asking would be polite, she’s been demanding, screeching, and guilt tripping me) for some parmesan bread bites from Dominos. And you can get 32 pcs with dipping sauce for under $7 but it’s carry out only and since we live in Armpit and the weathr has made eating at the park too cold…I can’t even let her have that one little win.No, instead of take out or toys, I used part of our surprise donate to buy her 3 pairs of leggings because she needed them desperately and it was the responsible thing to do. Except 9 year olds give zero fucks about doing the right thing, they just want to know where the fun toys are…

Her and me both. Except my ‘toy’ is actually replacement speakers for my computer. I had the same $65 speakers for 7 years and they worked wonderfully, survived numerous cats chewing through the wires, and being resoldered. At the time I thought $65 was ridiculously insane for speakers but if you divide that by 7 years and how awesome they make music sound be it computer, TV, mp3, tablet, etc…sooo bloody worth it. I put in a request to my family for them for Christmas but they don’t believe in shopping on line and since we’re in rural Bumfuck, you can’t get these kick ass speakers anywhere but on line.

8:50 p.m. My kid has been down an hour. I’m ready to close my eyes and just…not exist for a bit. What I am learning is that with or without Seroquel, I still can’t sleep through the night. And since the clocks went back an hour, the nights seem longer than ever, I wake six times a night and I am always soooo damned relieved to realize it’s 1 a.m. or 4 a.m. and I can still get a few more hours sleep. Not that I get back to sleep with melatonin, antihistamine, and low dose Xanax. Abouy the only saving grace of my nights are on occasion one of the cats climbs into bed with me and tries bathing me, making biscuits in my hair, or they hog my spot so I have to move toward the wall. Brattleaxes. But I smile because I loce my furchildren.

My feet are freezing since I took off my socks so methinks it is time to put those back on and retreat to Fort Blankie and HOPE tomorrow will be my ‘get shit around the house done’ day. Not holding my breath.

PLEASE, in the spirit of the holiday, donate to or share our fundraiser on social media. Or if you are wary of scams, just message and ask what we need and I can give you a list. (Halogen lamp bulbs and a cordless phone battery top the list after speakers.) I wouldn’t turn down some comfy warm socks. Or even new tennis shoes/boots since the ones I have cause blisters. And of course, Spook has outgrown the shoes she got just last month and the cats need more litter and food. We’re perfectly content with gift cards, email/on line version as well as actual cards, and we will provide receipts per request.

No one here is looking for a big screen Plasma TV or $400 designer shoes.

Please consider donating. That ten bucks you spend for coffee and a pastry every day means the difference between me and my child having food, shampoo, cat litter, gas in the car. If you find those things frivolous well, we are using very very different dictionaries.

Peace OUT.

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