Dear Followers: Is there Anybody Out There?

I’m feeling needy, yet not needy at all, because I really just want to go sleep and not wake up again. The financial stress, single parenthood, the seasonal effective depression on top of all the ‘deer in the headlights’ anxiety…And I won’t even get started on current events in this country for I fear if I do, I might disintegrate into a sobbing husk.Not to mention I dropped the ball on that shit,too, not knowing that by moving towns I needed to update voter registration to qualify…and as my dad says, I get no right to complain but it was pure oversight. I wanted to vote. I actually hoped some nimrod would accost my at the polls and try to bully me to vote their way…

Lately, all I am able to do with any consistency is screw up. Good intentions mean fuck all when you’re walking the depression gauntlet.

My kid has some sort of Veteran’s Day school program tomorrow at 10:15 but even with a ride being offered…I am in no shape to be in a gym with a thousand people. I love her more than anything but I am melting down and forcing myself into a situation where I could go over the edge…I just…can’t. And I’m not a veteran, that’s my dad’s thing, so let them go and show and let me stay safely behind where I can’t humiliate my child with an inevitable meltdown.

I’m pretty close to begging for hospitalization.

Tomorrow, though, I might feel great. Depends on if I take Seroquel or not. Even at a lower dose the stuff screws with my mind to an unbelievable degree.

I just need to survive the rest of today til dark, then I can curl up under the covers and wait til melatonin and allergy pills take me away to the safety (nightmare-ish) sleep. But nightmares you can wake from. Being unable to escape your own mind, being overdosed on people saying ‘you have the power to break the cycle, you can take control of your life” and yet..WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVER NEED AN ANTIDEPRESSANT IF IT WERE SO DAMNED SIMPLE TO KICK DEPRESSION IN THE ASS?

I want to sleep. To feel nothing. Or at least know whatever crap I am feeling I can wake up from.

It’s not about laziness or not loving my kid and cats enough or the money struggles. This is seasonal affective depression and it’s brutal and a gazillion sun lamps aint’ gonna change the fact that for the next 5 months at least, I am trapped in this mental space hoping for brief respites but bracing for abject misery. I am on so many damned meds I should be bouncing off the bloody walls happy or manic. But cos I am like, the luckiest person ever, my body has decided to prematurely start menopause thus my hormones are whacked out even if my brain chemicals aren’t. I’m to the point where I want shock treatment, I am so desperate but Blahpolar went that route and it didn’t make her a damn bit better, she just..left us. And because I have shit insurance and live in Bumfuck, there’s zero chance I might get lucky and find my wayn into one of the studies where a single shot every few weeks of ketamine alleviates the worst depressive symptoms.

So while that idiget-y Pink Floyd song bounces off the walls of my brain, asking if there’s anybody out there…I don’t know if it matters cos depression is a hulk and it stomps down logic and crushes hope and…

Want. Fort. Blankie. And. Sleep.

These are the depressive days so brutal you’d damn near drink Drano if it meant escaping the irrational way you are feeling.

No one can help with the depression but there are other ways to show you care, including social media shares or small donations so my kid can get some clothes that fit her and have a Christmas gift or two. And if I factor in there somewhere, well…Spook’s my priority. If I am considered along the way…all hail the sacred pegacorn.

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3 Responses to “Dear Followers: Is there Anybody Out There?”

  1. I am on so many damned meds I should be bouncing off the bloody walls happy or manic.

    I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what meds are you on? Personally I’m on Abilify (20mgs), Wellbutrin (150mgs), and Seroquel (50mgs).

    The Seroquel that you take, is that the ‘slow release’ version?

  2. Hi. I left a comment here, but I think your Spam filter grabbed it.

    • I don’t understand wordpress and their spam filter, apparently it only lets comments through if they are trying to sell male enhancement products…
      200 mg Lamictal, 60 mg Prozac, 40mg Cymbalta, 1mg Xanax three times a day, 100 mg daily of Atrax, 25-50 mg Seroquel, and oh, 2mg Prozasin for nightmares. Then there’s melatonin which is still far more useful for sleep with zero side effects…
      Until the seasonal and personal stuff hit me like a sledgehammer, I was making do on Lamitcal, Prozac, and Xanax. That’s just how the cookie crumbles, I need medicated to the gills to survive fall and winter and come spring and summer, I can cut way back.
      We got out first snow overnight, reminding me it’s gonna be a looong five months between seasonal cycles. Oh, well, my kid got to build a snow woman and that made her happy, guess I just gotta embrace stuff like that and ride it out.

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