The Morgueticia Project

So in a bizarre twist for me since I’m not big on sitcoms, I recently started watching “The Mindy Project”. Thus…this post’s title. It means I am a work in progress but I am trying to become better, I suppose. As for the mild shame I feel watching a cutesy popular bubblegum show…It’s like soda. Zero nutritional value, lots of pointless calories, and definitely too much can give you a bloated aching tummy and make your tastebuds reject vapidity and sugar…But I LIKE IT. I don’t always like Mindy, she’s way too self absorbed and confident and annoying for my tastes yet I can’t deny the flawed character is still charming and the ensemble support cast makes it worth my while. Though like soda at some point enough is enough, I gotta walk away from bingeing and do some drama or something. But I’ll always return to soda pop even if it feels shameful. (WHY OH WHY CAN’T ANYONE LOVE ME AND ALL MY FLAWS AND IRRITATING QUIRKS THE WAY EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE HER???ooops, meant to just think that, not write it…Bygones.)

In a biarre space because I ran out of my normal non drowsy allergy pills so I had to get some off stepmonster and Benadryl just makes me feel uber spaced out and wonky. But I am breaking out in hives due to stress as well as flea bites and such and I was in dire straits to turn to family for a favor. A few days from now I am sure I will hear through the backstabbing family grapevine that dad and stepmonster are irked at me asking for allergy pills and I should manage money better and get a job and…ugh, family, so much bloody drama and none of it the good kind. And we’re not even funny like the families on Roseanne or The Middle or Young Sheldon. Just…ugh. I am trying to roll with it but I am the only person who ever changes and sometimes it honestly feels not like I am better than them but that I have simply…outgrown them. I don’t want to trash each other and have it be a big gossip mill but it’s…never…gonna…change. And all I can do is practice polite avoidance lest I be sucked into it all so everyone assumes I am stuck up and look down on them but I have just been through way too much therapy, way too much agonizing self awareness, to remain in the stagnated family cycle of nastiness. Anyway…I will be glad to get some loratadine cos this Benadryl haze makes me feel drunk and high but doesn’t put me to sleep and barely helps with itchiness so…

The season changed. Our temps dropped from mid nineties down to lower 50’s. For seasonal affective disorder these extremes are pretty tough. I was so bored when I visited California because it was always the same, sunny and warm, day after day, and it rained twice in 6 weeks and I just thought, ugh, I miss the change of seasons…Yet I know how negative the extreme weather changes are for my mental health so were an opportunity to relocated to more stable weather to arise…I’d be vapor. I have become that convinced that the weather and seasons are part of why I struggle with my disorders and med resistance.

Had a couple of days I didn’t feel too bad, after a week of ‘marathon’ days. That was when it was so hot out and was still 90 in the house in spite of open windows and fans and all I enjoyed was going to sleep and ‘riding it out’. And that’s how life feels to me as of late. A marathon. If I can just survive the next two days, if I can make it the next week, or if I can just fake my way through the next few hours til bedtime…It’s exhausting to view things that way but I don’t know how to shut it off. I’m just thankful I got the two semi decent mental days, I was able to get my lawn mowed before entering into Benadryl loopyville.

I have a doctor appt Wednesday, I guess that could explain why my moderate anxiety has morphed into breaking out into hives level. It’s pretty disgusting to realize I am, at 45, still the same nervous Nellie I was at 13 about doctor appointments. Oh, well, I go in and tell her the truth. I quit the lithium because that abnormal liver function test terrified me and I’ve been asking to get off of it 2 years and no one will listen to me so..executive decision. I still have Lamictal and I’m not manic or hypo and physically, I feel like I lost 20 pounds. Just more energy, less lethargy, the ability to feel things has returned…Not seeing a downside here but if it came to that, I’d go back on the garbage. And i hate calling it garbage cos lithium works soooo well for bipolar. But the fact my mental state has improved since stopping it indicates they might have been overmedicating me on that front yet undermedicating on other fronts.

My sleep is fucked up as ever. We ran out of melatonin. Restoril does zilch for me, benadryl doesn’t make me sleepy, and I quit drinking for the most part so it’s just toss and turn and get up and down and wake over and over every night. Sat/Sun I woke at 2 a.m. and was so itchy I couldn’t get back to sleep. Wasn’t til after I crawled to stepmonster for Benadryl and Spook stayed at their place that I came home and could finally fall back to sleep. Only to be wakened when she returned and I gotta say, I felt worse than if I’d just stayed up the whole time. And all I could look forward to was sleep because man, if you run on empty all the damned time…it kicks your ass.

So even though it’s not yet 8:30 p.m. I am gonna kill the light, watch some Frasier, and wait to get sleepy. Maybe I’ll nod off by midnight and get a couple of solid hours before I wake again. I hope. Plus side, with the season change and getting dark earlier soon it will get cold and my body will convince me bedtime is at 7 p.m. simply so I can get under the warm blankies and perhaps even my brain will be fooled into thinking it’s sleepy time.

Though I am starting to think I have a better chance at a real live pet pegacorn than getting 7 solid hours of sleep.

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