Seasoned- How Season Changes Impact Bipolar Depression

It’s difficult to describe but it’s almost like a thrumming beneath my skin, deep within my brain. My energy level is changing. My thoughts are morphing rapidly from positive to negative to calm to hyper. I don’t know if I am happy or sad or pissed off or hopeless or if I want to live or if I want to cease to exist. I am…up in the air, mentally speaking.

It’s quite a drastic change in mental state since I’ve been living in a functional depression all summer with very little inspiration or hope or desire or enjoyment. Now I feel like I am being infused with all those things, but my brain is too crowded so I need to organize it all into neat little piles…except my organization skills are hindered by a racing mind that doesn’t know how to organize. It’s a little manic.

Now a diagnosis of S.A.D on its own is difficult, but when combined with bipolar depression…My mind and body seem to be slam dancing in some sort of deathmatch over whether I am going to feel good, bad, apathetic. Normally as summer fades to fall, I start edging toward the cliff and go over, down into a black rabbit hole of crippling depression. It’s an awful place to be but it does have one plus side: the anxiety lessens during winter because I am not as besieged with overstimulation. This year, however, the S.A.D cycle seems to have morphed into something different. Near mania without hyperactivity but lots of trouble getting to sleep due to racing thoughts but no ability to organize and follow through.

And the only explanation I can come up with is…seasonal affective disorder.

Fall starts Saturday and it’s like my mind and body sense the change thus the slamdance-a-palooza.

I am edgy, antsy, grateful that it’s getting dark earlier, looking forward to a break from the scorching 95 degree days even if it means back to the other extreme where I need six layers of clothing just to get out of bed comfortably. Now I am sure some would argue that this is psycho somatic. I see the calendar, the date of the equinox, and it’s having some sort of placebo effect on my mental state. That and I do wear all black and dig Halloween so obviously I am a witch and we witchy types love tying our witchcrafty stuff in with seasons…

Seasons impact mood disorders. Period. They may not do much research into it, preferring instead to shove the artificial sunlight lamps down our throats as some sort of solution for depression, while jamming mood stabilizers at us to ward off manic episodes. It’s no big deal to them but for me…My life seems more controlled by the changes of season and weather than by any medication or my own stubborn will.

I’m not so far gone to realize this post likely only makes sense in my own head. But then again, I also can’t rule out that the correleation between season changes and a seasonal affective disorder is very real and very seriously debilitating.

For now…I teeter on the edge of…something. Maybe a ledge, maybe a bridge, a cliff…one strong autumn wind could knock me off balance and cause me to fall…into nothingness, into the rabbit hole of depression, into a manic infused state that crashes and burns…I don’t know what’s coming but I feel it bubbling beneath the surface and it’s nothing good.

Which should get me more likes because I had a positive post yesterday that had nothing to do with mental illness, just being an American in today’s political climate, and I got more likes about some drivel I wrote about certain therapies being like the Kardashians. Logic, clarity, pride, feelings of self worth-pfft, who gives a fuck.

Misery, self loathing, and some click bait-y names….That’s where the popular kids hang out.

I hate the popular kids.

But still…A mormom mom and Willie Nelson as wake up calls that made me feel good about myself and my country…that was a pretty damn good day for me even if the popular kids only want to hear about how much everything is awful with some click bait-y names and cussing thrown in. (Think I lost a couple of followers for my off topic rant, buh-bye.)

The Outsiders has always been my favorite book for a reason.

I like being a misfit.

And I’d never trade my black leather jacket for a better social standing, anyway. I have oily skin so I guess I’m a born ‘greaser’.

Yes, I sound manic and loopy.

I’m going to enjoy being manic and loopy a couple of days before I panic that my mood stabilizers have failed. I served enough time in depressive lock down, I am due a few days of parole. If I start wearing bright colors, listening to Taylor Swift, and paying more than $1 for an energy drink- I will know I’ve gone full manic and need brought crashing back down to Earth.

Arghh, my brain is bouncing around in my skull, my skeleton wants to crawl out from under my skin…Awkward but still better than the pit of despair. I was starting to use a mirror to make sure I was still breathing because I felt so damned dead in every way. Feeling alive is different but…I’ll take it. For now.

One Response to “Seasoned- How Season Changes Impact Bipolar Depression”

  1. I think your on the money with this. I think there is more to season changes and mood than people are aware and i believe that this should be studied more in depth. I live in the UK and we have about 6wks of summer per year really the rest of the time your busy wishing your life away waiting for the next 6wks. I really hope you find a way around this, if you do please let me know? Good Luck!!!

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