Archive for September, 2018

My Insomnia’s Magic Bullet

Posted in bipolar disorder with tags , , , , , , on September 30, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

For the last couple of years I’ve been battling insomnia/waking up worse than ever before in my life.The docs have tossed a plethora of meds at me: Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel, Trazadone, Testoril, Vistaril, plus the standard over the counter antihistamine suspects. Nothing has ever worked in a way that didn’t make me feel shittier in spite of getting some better quality sleep.

Until now. I stumbled upon the magic combo quite inadvertently but it’s worked 4 times in getting me a decent nights’ sleep (which for me, means I wake up less than three times and get back to sleep easily). 50 mg Vistaril, 3 mg melatonin, 1mg Xanax. I have some morning grog but it’s lifting way quicker than what I had with crap like trazadone which put me in a six hour waking coma it was so harsh.

Thankfully, my current doc was on board with my accidental magic bullet.

This is an amazing thing for me. Sleep has eluded me, leaving me grouchy, negative, and constantly exhausted for so long…Today I feel like a normal person would after sleep.

As with all med cocktails, it’s a question mark as to if this will continue to work or if as usual, I will build tolerance so the doseages have keep increasing…But for now, I am pretty content with my magic sleep bullet. Would it work for a million other people? Probably not.We are all so very different in how our systems respond to medications, especially cocktails designed to target one of many diagnoses. It’s working for me and that’s a cause for celebration.

Now if I can get my mood stabilizer.anti depressant cocktail to the point of stable contentment…

Moral of this story: Never give up on finding some combination that may work for you. It is maddening and it’s easier to say screw it and drink booze or smoke pot but if that’s not really who you are and doing it makes you feel shitty but you just need sleep that badly…Keep trying to med cocktails. I found one finally and I am gonna hug it and kiss it and call it George.

And if it quits working then I will be back to screaming cockweasel at it while bashing it with a Z whacker equipped shovel.

I’ll try again.

Don’t lose hope.

God Friended Me…what if?

Posted in depression, TV Shows with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

First off, this is NOT a religious post. It is actually about how a new TV show I watched tonight sort of…well, reignited a spark of faith in me. I’m simply not organized religion material, and I am also not a hypocrite to claim beliefs I don’t possess. Even Satanism is too organized and all the ritual and going out of your way to be hedonistic, ugh, too much work.

What I consider myself outside of admiring Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and being a lapsed Pastaferian is…someone with a spiritual side who has faith. In something larger than me, larger than all of us. God? Fate? Sacred Pegacorn? Chaos theory? String theory? I mean, honestly, you can have faith in many ways, not just in religious form.

I had not planned on watching “God Friended Me” because, well, uh, the religious connotation and the social media angle and…Okay, I’m a bit closed minded on things that give me the icks, I admit it. Plus, ffs, does Facebook really need more publicity by saying God Himself uses it? Just seemed an asinine premise and yet…I watched it.

My first impressions, aside from the ‘new’ social media angle of God friending someone, was that it resembled “Joan Of Arcadia” a great deal. Not preachy. Not judgey. Rather than forcefeed religion and God down my throat, it in fact validated my own doubts about my own ambivalence toward this “God” being. Its message was clear by the end of the show- help others and help yourself in the process. I got goosebumps watching it because its message was just that down to Earth and relateable. Much like “Joan”, the show’s message is about helping others and never knowing how it may all be tied together and paid forward. There was no focus on sin or morality or appearing in fancy clothes on certain days of the week to prove how faithful and Godly you are.

Near the end, I was both smiling with the ‘awwws’ and the tear of my tear ducts twinging. It was touching in a totally great way. (Like Touched By An Angel, and yes, I watched it, no shame, it was a good show.) Just one episode of this show opened my mind to ‘what if’ possibilities. I mean, if I used social media and I were to be friended by God in a bid to do good works and pay it forward thus also redeeming my own self worth…Would I decline or accept?

Knowing how good it feels to help someone-even when it’s something as silly as a stranger at a store asking me to get something off a top shelf for them because I am tall- it does enhance my self esteem and self worth. It makes me feel damned good. Not in an egotistical fashion, but in a “human decency feels really good, why don’t more people practice it?”

In today’s political climate where everything is all contentious and hostile and bickering and even those touting how they attend church regularly and they invoke the name of God and religion as if to absolve their own corruption…

A TV show brought back a spark I’d thought dead in 2016 when the world became a much uglier place with the charge lead by well, leader of the free world. Ugliness will always be out there but so will kindness. It’s just a choice we each have to make. Do something nice for someone else and feel rewarded for it or turn your back and let hatred or apathy rule your heart and mind.

Tonight, some friends of my sister’s came to our house with a couple of pieces of furniture we needed (dressers) so we could stop living out of laundry baskets. And they brought us about $60 worth of food because they know the donor’s flaking on support really hurt us financially. I didn’t ask for the kindness but they gave it and my gratitude is just well…

I so look forward to our situation improving and my mental state getting to a good place so that I can pay forward all the kindness shown to my child and I. I’m a skeptic and a cynic and the news stomps my naive hopefulness daily but…

I still have faith in something better, something bigger than politics and nastiness and faith is worth a lot. Faith and hope are as crucial to treating mental health disorders as the meds and counseling.

It will not, however, keep my car insured as mandated by the state so, yeah, I’m gonna keep promoting our fundraiser til people donate to make me stop.

If you feel lost or hopeless and need something positive to reignite faith in your soul…

Accept that friend request be it from God, Buddha, Spaghetti Monster, Lucifer…Even if it’s just a metaphor for allowing hope and kindness back into your heart and mind at a time when both these things seem to be weakenesses when in fact…they’re strength.

Share our story, please.


Posted in bipolar disorder with tags , , , , on September 29, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

To quote (hopefully without copyright lawsuit) Matchbox 20, “I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.”

So alert the presses, this belongs in the current news cycle and trending list…I GOT A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP!!!! It took far longer than I thought cos I was so sleep deprived, stressed, and worn out, plus I’d taken 0.5, Xanax, 25 mg Benadryl, and 3mg melatonin so….I thought 10 mins, I’ll be dead to the world. Nope. But it was a little after ten when I faded and while I did wake up several times (generally in a panic to check on my kid, only every single time, I have to remind myself, she’s sleeping at grandma’s chill)…I got back to sleep quickly and easily and when the alarm went off…I only hit snooze twice. OMG, that’s like, huge for me.

Thanks to my sister coming to pick up Spook yesterday, her and her husband gave me money for gas to get to town and get my prescriptions. I am so damned grateful. I mean, my sis is awesome but her husband has always kinda disliked me and rubbed me the wrong way, so for him to take money out of his check to give me (and he got me a Halloween gift) well…I guess it goes to show I can still be surprised by kindness from people. Plus, even bro in law knows this wasn’t my fault, this is all on the donor letting his kid down.

So my gifty is a skeletized cobra (bad pic) but I lurve it. My sis and I are into this stuff.

Had a brief period this morning where I totally felt whack. The little voice whispered “you dumbass, you quit lithium, derp” but also…due to the missed child support, I was unable to refill my others meds on time thus went says without the steady regime and that does throw you off kilter. Combined with a cool cloudy day of gloom, it did kind of make me upsy and downsy. But I am going back up now, though it could be an anxiety thing. My sis is bringing Spook back tonight and her friend B is coming with her and she hasn’t seen our ‘new’ place so I am like, ugh, chiseling the biohazard level down a bit so I don’t get the ‘this is unfit for a kid to live in.” Which if it were, I’d have heard about it cos for the first time in 6 months, my mom actually came to hour place with my sis and she didn’t complain about it smelling like cats or looking bad! If my mom didn’t take her digs, then it can’t be too bad. Though I suppose the dust and corner cobwebs are a big deal to some, for me it’s just like, meh, pre Halloween decor. Idk, I am weird about people being in my home, always have been, cos it’s like they could taint my safe space or something neurotic.

Saw this when I went to town for my meds and parked on a curb to jump out for a pic, it’s funny as hell.

On a somber note, I’d like to mention that it has been two years since we lost our tribe leader Blah to depression. (Call it suicide, but the depression is what killed her.) How you are missed, Ulla.

The fundraiser is slow but I’m not giving up hope. Seriously, just a couple of people sharing the link on social media can RAISE SUPPORT UP TO 300%!!!! This isn’t merely a good cause. This is about a 9 year old kid with one parent who she depends on for everything trying to do right by her. It’s as noble a cause as any to donate to. Or send an e-gift card or snail mail a care package. Lots of ways to show you care, and we always pay it forward when able. I gotta admit, I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. That’s twice in 13 months the donor left a job and screwed us on the support without even a head’s up. Before the move, I’d probably have still ranted in outrage but when we lived in the trailer, the expenses were far less and I could swing it all and feed Spook even when he flaked. In Armpit now, the expenses doubled and we need that extra income until we can hunt down the donor and have the state order a 55 year old man to grow up and pay for his kid’s support. I’d even settle for an off the record thing with him helping a little here and there if he’d be civilized and mature about it. I’m not some money grubbing monster. Just a ghoul scout who is freaking out that I can’t pay heat bills and feed my kid and get her Christmas and winter clothes and…


So…if you don’t find the Freddy pic motivating enough to share or donate…How about helping with cat food since we took in that pregnant cat (4 healthy babies now) so she wouldn’t go to the pound. (That was before we found out we’d lost income.) Tabbytha and babies need noms.

Words of wisdom…never ever suffer from insanity. Enjoy every minute of it. The sane people are the ones to fear. Them and Juggalos. (Sorry, had to reference it, saw an ICP decal on a car the other day.)

insomnia, shitty luck, halloween, humor, depression, lions, tigers, bears, oh my

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , on September 29, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I will try to keep this brief and half coherent. Last night when I was so tapped out…I was still awake at 3:30 a.m. in spite of melatonin. The donor’s job change/loss and no support payments have me freaking out.

Earlier I was a little hypomanic but I’m not convinced it’s anything to worry about. Coming off of meds, missing doses of others meds cos you can’t make the copay, it’s all bound to shake up equilibrium so I am more screwy than usual. But while I had that hypo burst I posted on all my blogs and I read and I watched some TV and later after my kid got home, we were even dancing together outside while waiting for my sis to come pick her up for the sleepover.

I was stunned when my sister handed me a little cash-courtesy of her hubby’s paycheck- so I could put gas in the car and get to town for my meds. I was also stunned earlier when an old friend contributed to our fundraiser (you know who you are if you read this, A, we miss you, cabana boy.) My sister’s friends are even chipping in with gifts of clothes for Spook. I honestly pity the donor if he encounters anyone who knows the situation in public. He is two spots below the top spot of the shit list, like only one under Trump. (sorry, fuck politics, I don’t like his personality.)

So my kid is gone and I had my bath last night so while it’s just turning 8 p.m. and I had hoped the hypo energy would last and last so I could get some stuff done around the place or try to write…I am fading. I need rest. The body needs to recharge, as does the mind.

So…donate if you can.

If you checked it out yesterday, look again. I changed the default pic to something I personally find hysterical in light of upcoming Halloween but my sister frowned upon it and said people won’t donate because there’s no sympathy vote. And I tried the honest ‘my kid/cats matter’ thing on prior campaigns and it was…lackluster though all appreciated. This time I just thought…set the campaign apart from the rest and make it ghoulishly funny.

Just sharing it on social media and friends could raise my donations 300%- so share, share, share.

And while my other blogs have largely been neglected for a couple of years. Now that I am off the lithium and my head isn’t Novacained…I’ve updated them all. Please visit, like, subscribe, comment. Word of mouth could really help us, even if it’s just to troll or insult me. No such thing as bad press, yada yada.




And this…my daughter wrote me a poem. Innocent and imperfect, but she reminded me…we have love. That’s worth a lot.

I’m gonna fall face down into my pillows now. 14 hours total sleep in 5 days ain’t cutting it. Fort Blankie and I have a hot date.

Life After Lithium-signs of life return

Posted in bipolar disorder with tags , , , , , on September 28, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Almost two weeks since I simply quit taking my 900mg lithium daily. And guess what?

I am writing again, at least in my blogs. I am doing some housework here and there. Reaching out to others. I don’t feel like the walking dead with zero emotion or energy.

No more ‘will I or won’t I barf with today’s lithium dose?” lottery. No more gaining weight even while basically starving myself. No more lack of affect.I can FEEL things again.

I did not ask my doctor’s permission. Tried that with two others and they blew me off, probably covering their own asses in the event I went bonkers. But I also take 200 mg lamictal daily and it is an excellent mood stabilizer without side effects so I feel comfortable in my choice to do away with a med that was really dragging me down. I have been through it many times. I know the signs when I need that lithium boost and I will speak up if it comes to that.

For now…I feel alive. I feel creative stirrings. Social stirrings, like maybe reaching out to people isn’t going to result in psychological devastation. My entire outlook has changed and that could be the Cymbalta/Prozac combo, too. But I have always taken issue with lithium’s side effects. It is an AMAZING medication in its effectiveness but it’s been what, 50 years, and they can’t tweak it so it doesn’t make you feel like the walking dead and sickly? Besides, I am axis 2 on bipolar scale, more depression than mania so two mood stabilizers is overkill, it makes sense that I’d feel less numb taking the worse one out of the mix.

I don’t advise others to up and quit their meds. I am just at the mercy of a rural area, shit insurance, and a psych center that’s been through 4 doctors in the last 2 years. No stability, few who listen to me when telling them how it freaks my kid out when I take lithium and end up puking over the toilet…No, I made an executive decision after waiting and waiting for one of them to HEAR me. Maybe this is just coming off the stuff and I’ll go back down the rabbit hole. Maybe not. It’s worth the risk just to be able to laugh again-and mean it.

Talk to your docs/nurse if you need med changes. Do it the right way. But always advocate for yourself, a medication should never make you feel worse even if it stabilizes the ups and downs.


My kid and I are going through something right now so check out our story and share if you’d be so kind. Merci. And happy early Halloween.

My Brain Hurts, Book My Lobotomy, Please

Posted in anxiety disorders, child support, depression with tags , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

It’s been a long day of finding out I am represented by an utter buffoon who knew two weeks ago the donor was not working yet failed to tell me. He was pretty proud that he’s tried to call and email the donor, to no avail, as if that helps with our loss of income. I called the state, public aide, I posted on my other blogs (batshit rantings here…Tried to keep my cool but I couldn’t even enjoy the premieres of my fave shows. I am worried sick about keeping my kid fed and the heat on and my hives have hives but I have no antihistamines…

I made a fundraising page and have yet to even get a share, let alone a donation, which I find frustrating. Especially after watching the utterly disgusting Kavanaugh portion of today’s hearing in which he exhibited all the wit, charm, and self possession of an Alsatian hound after a head swap operation. (Red Dwarf anyone?) People donate tens of thousands to these nasty politicians of every side even when they behave like spoiled little bitch boys (Dr Ford held herself with dignity,imho) but I can’t garner interest for something out of my control that impacts not simply me, but my child.

I have a whole rant about stuff I learned today but I am just wiped out. And ready for 2018 to stop kicking my ass. Mostly right now I’d give a kidney for about 100 mg Claritin, my hives are getting hives and the itching is driving me fucking mad.

Click Spook’s pic and at least share our story on social media if you can’t donate. We were starting to see the light of day, this was brought on us by someone whose actions we can’t control. Asking for help is our only option and a share counts for a lot.

An Open Message To Non-Custodial Parents Who Miss Support Payments

Posted in child support, depression, fundraiser, single parenting with tags , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Dear non-custodial mom or dad-

Your responsiibilities to your bf/gf/spouse may end when the relationship does, but YOU ARE NOT ABSOLVED OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHILD(REN).

When the state or court orders you to pay support, it is your responsibility to make those payments. If you lose your job or change jobs, the decent thing to do is to tell the custodial parent that support is not forthcoming due to such circumstances. Even if you can only offer up a ten dollar bill until your circumstances improve, the effort shows you give a damn and helps you be viewed as a decent human being.

We depend on that money to feed OUR kids. Yes, the relationship we had is over, but WE still have a child together. OUR child needs heat and clothing and school supplies. When you fail to make a support payment, you are not hurting your ex. Your are hurting your child. The 20% or whatever the law requires you to pay is nothing compared to what the custodial parent pays but we still depend on that support to take care of OUR child. While you may not lose sleep over it, I can assure you those of us who have little ones counting on us, do lose sleep because we care about our children more than we care about ourselves.

That support isn’t for fancy clothes or dance classes or expensive game systems. It means the difference between the child(ren) getting adequate nutrition and warm clothes and having heat and a roof overhead. Blowing off this responsibility yet still thinking you’re a good person is delusional.

Choosing not to see your kid(s) does not absolve you of financial responsibility. That,too, is delusional. You make that choice, not me. Sticking me with the legal fees, yet not paying support, is just abhorrent.

You may not think a few missed support payments are a big deal, but I assure you…CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS ARE A VERY BIG DEAL.

For a disabled single parent with limited income, your apathy and irresponsibility are a big deal. Your lack of basic politeness to even text, email, or call and say, “I am changing jobs/lost a job, I can’t pay the support this month” makes you a basic jerk.

This isn’t about me. This isn’t about you. WE made a child together. I have taken on all the responsibility and for the third time snce you left, you have shunned even minute responsibility by flaking on the support payment or even giving me a heads up.

So non custodial parents, moms or dads, stop thinking only of yourself, stop thinking that not paying support is some dig at the custodial parent who messed up your life with a bad relationship. Grow up and think about the child we made together.

The kid(s) matter above all else. Failing them means you are a failure as a parent and as a person. Knock it off. It’s not about who did wrong or name calling or causing the other hardship. This is about the well being of a child we both brought into the world and basic human decency.

The Mother Of Your Child

Due to these circumstances, I have started a new fundraiser because while I can do without whatever it takes so my kid has what she needs, I am not too proud to ask for some help.