Random Rants And Musings At The Rooster Hour

I woke up from a fucked up dream for the third time around 3:30 with every intention of going back to sleep. My mind is not cooperating so thanks to my digital TV antenna, I’ve gotten to watch a couple of shows on PBS. One was about a family in Pakistan who was being threatened by the taliban because they dared to educate their daughters same as the sons and ‘girls are a burden on the family.’ Much as I try to respect and understand other cultures, I have never been on board with the sexism placed on offspring. Even in this country to do this day there are people living in the past who value boys over girls and oh, the intellectual emaciation of men who say “My wife did not give me a son.” Well, women are born only with XX chromosomes so we depend on the Y necessary for boy infants therefore it is the male failing to give a son. Basic science. And if you’re a decent human being, you’ll love your children no matter the gender. And for this Pakistani family, hats off, for the father refused to differentiate between his sons or daughters, he treated them the same as far as getting them educated and loving them, even under threaten of death by the taliban. Gotta give the man respect. I love people who go against the social grain and do what feels right to them. (Excluding terrorists and pedophiles and animal abusers, they’re just vile excrement who should be executed on sight but hey, that’s just me.)

The other show I watched was about the white house over the years and presidencies with the families. What I saw mostly were regular families forced into a spotlight yet still trying to make the best of it and have a sense of humor and a good heart. Much as I felt Obama didn’t necessarily live up to his campaign promises and Michelle Obama chose an utterly silly platform (really, let’s worry about chubby kids instead of the kids too poor to get any food, let alone healthy stuff? Seems silly to me.) But they seemed pretty down to Earth, devoted to each other and their kids, and there just wasn’t any rancor. Maybe a front, but it reminded me I wasn’t always a political hater, I wasn’t always ashamed to be an American. The current regime…Makes me feel dirty and ashamed, like I need a constant bath to wash away the hatred, corruption, and nastiness. How times have changed. Maybe we had shady presidents in the past but they kept it low key. Of course, their fan base wasn’t comprised of intellectually emaciated racists and hatemongers.

But what do I know, I am a mental health blogger. Guess when I wake at 3 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep and I am riddled with the monthly hormonal dysphoria (I got so mad last night, I actually punched a door six times, lucky I didn’t break my hand, and since I haven’t had anything like that happen in over two years…this is gonna be a bad curse but if I have to listen to my kid say something isn’t her fault one more time when it absolutely was, I am gonna implode. She’s all sweet and lovey when others are round then they leave and she’s back to screaming at me and last night, I refused to go get her Laffy Taffy so she punched me in the arm 5 times and I am so scared of them taking her from me, I feel utterly defenseless against her tantrum attacks so I send her to her room…) BREATHE. I am filled with so much rage that is not normal to me. And the cramps and backache and irritation and anxiety and the fact all I look forward to is sleep but I can’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time…And I am hungry as hell but I have no energy to fix anything to eat.

“My heart and mind are not yet aligned.”

I stole that line from some TV show but it seems appropriate enough a description. A week from now minus the hormonal surge I may change my mind. But to my credit, at least I know to walk away outdoors when I feel myself going hormonally nuts. Then she follows me outside and starts in again about candy or whatever and it’s like there is no escape, even in the bathroom, within five minutes she is outside the door making demands. She had a fit because “I’m not getting much for my birthday cos you guys are all always broke.” When she is so disrespectful and lacking in gratitude, truthfully, I don’t want to give her more than a cupcake with a candle on it, a chintzy toy she’ll break or lose in 5 minutes, and move along. I guess that’s my damage, but she’s turning 9, she still hits me and screams at me (lesser since we moved but it still does happen) and she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. I am busting my ass for her and….nothing. Kids may be takers by nature but my kid has elevated it to an art form and what fears me most is she may never outgrow it. They say personality is basically solidified by age 7 so…it’s terrifying. And I say no all the time, I give her limits (I made her write an essay yesterday on why I had to send her friend home because she wouldn’t share her toys and kept yelling at him.) I am doing everything I know and…

Juggling my own mental issues. Some situational, some not. Because when I can’t even go to yard sales and enjoy them…my brain chemicals are not right. When my cat loves on me and I just want them to go away and leave me alone…my brain is not right. That’s not situational. That’s clinical.

It will be light out soon. I want to go back to sleep, my back is killing me from the cramps. But if the mind doesn’t cooperate even with melatonin and Xanax…my one escape has been taken away.

Fuck this, only roosters should be up at this hour. Bet they got more sleep than I did so they crow with happiness.

I just want to fucking sleep. And ya know, get to a point where my mind is feeling so well, I get bummed at bedtime because hey, I could be writing or reading or doing crafts, I could be doing things I usually love. I want that back. I want sleep to be a necessity, not a luxury, not a way to escape only to end up more frustrated.

I just want to feel well again. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But as Sebastian Bach once was said on a Skid Row home video doc, “If you think, you stink.”

I’d give up thinking but again…no cooperation from the brain. Ass trash.


One Response to “Random Rants And Musings At The Rooster Hour”

  1. I get it. And the cat thing, where they just want to get or give attention and I can’t be bothered to be bothered by them. I SO get it. My daughter is five. I feel at times like I’m doing everything wrong. Thx for writing so full-frontal. It is refreshing.

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