Non Fictional Anxiety

Over my years on disability, I’ve been asked How does your condition(s) impact your ability to function normally on a daily basis. During my years blogging about said conditions, I have received a plethora of advice telling me to exercise, meditate, use herbal supplements, envision myself calm and unaffected, be strong, be tough, blah blah blah. (Well meaning people are the bane of my existence because they really don’t get it.)

Today the enormity of my anxiety disorder/panic disorder is slamming into home plate with a cleated shoe to my face.

I’m watching a fictional tv show where most of the characters, including the cops, are corrupt, lying, backstabbing assholes and the only decent characters are all getting screwed over and gaslit by the assholes…and my heart is pounding, my paranoia is up, and it all feels like it may as well be happening to me. I feel scared, outraged, helpless, and I am about to just give up on the final four episodes (it only lived one season) because my fight or flight response is hammering at my psyche…

THIS. This is how my conditions impact my daily functioning. I can’t even watch a fucking tv show because it triggers fight or flight.

Going for a jog, doing some jumping jacks, and inhaling essential oils does not correct whatever is crossed in my brain causing inappropriate messages to make me feel inappropriate emotions and physical responses.

So while some may perservere by jogging 10 miles a day and huffing essence of pegacorn farts…

I’m not so fortunate. And I hate this shit with every fiber of my fucked up being because I can’t even date or eat in a restaurant or go to an amusement park lest the fight or flight panic be set off and send me into a sweating, pretzel gutted foul odor emitting trainwreck.

Yesterday it was the black depression kicking my ass. Today it’s the anxiety.

17 days til my next med check appointment with yet another new psych nurse. Maybe she’ll tell me to stick a spoon on my nose and walk around the block while singing “Yankee Doodle”. After being told by one well meaning person to rub patchouli oil on my pulse points as it would help with depression and anxiety but instead made me sneeze, itch, get hives, and cough until I retched…

It goes to show I’m willing and desperate enough to try pretty much anything but as usual the one size fits all mentality simply doesn’t fit me. I’m oddly propertioned psychologically, I guess.

5 Responses to “Non Fictional Anxiety”

  1. Not all of it is your illness- some of it just *is* that the U.S. system screws over the vulnerable and you are trapped in a triggering family situation. I am not surprised that a t.v. show triggered you. You have been through some scary $h17 lately in addition to just having diagnoses.

    • All of that is true, but honestly, I’ve been triggered even by fiction for many years. I had to give up soap operas, certain horror movies, suspenseful shows…It seems less prevalent and more manageable if my psych care is copacetic and the meds are working. The family drama, oh, dear, that’s been since I was in utero. Was why I moved out at 17. Think the daily exposure to it is a major stressor, though. I just keep telling myself it’s not forever, the new psych nurse may be competent, my meds could be adjusted and start working, and our lease is only for a year so we can always attempt to escape from Armpit and the ensuing near family….

      I still like to believe anything is possible, even good things, which is either a sign of optimism or delusion. 😉

      On Sat, Jul 28, 2018 at 2:58 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Yeah, my family trauma goes back as far as birth, too. It leaves a long lasting impact, that many years of it, and then current trauma piles on. We have different diagnoses and different current systems and people extending that trauma, but I totally relate to the “have to be very careful what I watch so I don’t send myself over the edge,” especially lately. Also, oh God, I’ve had the years of no personal space. I wince everytime I hear about how verbally abusive arseholes can just waltz in to your place whenever they feel like it with no warning…

  2. Pixie Garnaut Says:

    Your writing gift is a talent. Thank you for sharing. I am too tired to write now, it’s 6.25 am here in Japan and I have not slept for days on end, have lost five kilos in ten days and way on the way to a nasty manic attack if I don’t get my shit together and get a grip.

    • My rule of thumb is…whatever mania tells you to do cos you want to and feel like it…wait a day or two or week, whatever. It IS grueling and it sucks but not making a move til the mood cycle has changed…can often save your life, or at least, save you from bad choices and bankruptcy.
      All ‘wisdomed’ out that with that one, thanks for reading and commenting. Hope it works out in your favor.

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