The Happiest Part Of My Day Is Bedtime

I’ve said it many times before during a deep depression but never have I meant it more than I do now. Sleep, interrupted and haunted by nightmares as it may be, is the one part of the day I truly look forward to. And that’s NOT normal.

I have been in way worse personal situations before. Had far less to look forward to, to live for.

I love my daughter, she is my superpower, my reason for getting up in the morning when every fiber of my being says to stay asleep, pull the covers over, mash a pillow over my head….I fight for her.

But I feel like I’m losing, big time, and I am still 3 weeks from my next med appointment, with yet another new psych pro and my track record with psych nurses is well, one, but it was not a good experience.

My family, as usual, is trying to take over my kid’s birthday. They scream at me to pay the bill that’s in my sister’s name cos they’re broke and no, I can’t make a payment arrangement, but they’re talking about driving 80 miles and spending $40 on party favors…so then they can gripe about not having groceries for two weeks. But it’s this way every year with them, my kid’s birthday isn’t hers, it’s just their chance to show who loves her more by spending more.

I also have to face down school registration next week, which entails driving 22 miles out of the way to fill out paperwork since she entered end of year and I was never given on line log in credentials.

My God, I survived being abandoned with a 2 year old and no money to my name and didn’t feel this fucking hopeless, anxious, and depressed.

That my doctor thought I was in a good place 2 and half months ago is disturbing.

Anyone who’s only joy is going to bed…is NOT doing well and you are NOT a very good doctor to leave a patient in that mental space.

Now my happy time. Lights out, and let the toss and turn commence so eventally I will have the oblivion of sleep. Which is also followed by the self loathing of ‘oh,fuck, I woke up again” in the morning.

This.is.not.norma.or.mentally.healthy. Psychiatric care in this country is appalling in its incompetence.

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