Cornered Animal

Not quite sure how to express my feelings at the moment except to liken them with a cornered animal. I want to lash out, hiss, claw. It’s not mature or rational but I guess my ego feels fragile (how is that possible,I barely have an ego left!) so fight or flight kicks in.

What sparked it was when my brother brought my kid home after church-and she informed me she made her ‘dad’ a card and a gift at church for Father’s Day. Now, we are coming up on the 7 year mark since that man snuck his stuff out of the house and announced his departure with a 20 second “Can’t do this anymore, not coming back” call. He smashed his phone and avoided all contact with us. It took four years and the court to force him to pay a cent on his kid. He’s never once asked to see her, shown her no interest the two times we’ve encountered him in public places…

I’ve been here the whole time, taking care of her, for better or worse. I’m mom and dad both. I am the good guy and the bad guy. I get the joy but I get the projectile vomiting, the hours of homework fights, the food pickiness, the “I hate you!” I get it all and he’s not stepped up once in 7 years and she’s not shown any interest in 7 years. Often, she’s said she’s glad she doesn’t have a dad because she likes it being just us girls.

So for her to come home, announce she’s made her ‘dad’a card and gift and asked stepgrandmonster to take it to him at his job at the gas station when they go there…

I am livid.

I was told they would only deliver it to the donor if I said it was okay.

Well, this puts me in a fucking bind. Because I am not okay with it. The man already abandoned her once. What’s to say he won’t do it again? Or flat reject her interest in seeing him? Or bring more trouble to the table?

THIS is my problem with organized religion, butting their ‘all families must be the same’ mindsets into our private lives. There was no need for this father’s day thing to be inflicted on my kid. And bitch of it is, she is so fickle and flighty, five minutes after they deliver this gift and open the can of worms called the donor…Spook will likely change her mind and say, “Na, I don’t wanna see him now, maybe next month.” And if she does that, then I will get the blame of “She’s keeping my kid away from me.”

He’s been playing that song for years to everyone who’ll listen and it was NEVER true. Can’t see your kid if you never come around, call, or even send a birthday gift. He had time for girlfriends and their kids, but not his own three kids. (Spook has a half sister and a half brother, much older than her by different moms, but half siblings just the same.) I don’t want to be sucked back into the drama, it is so toxic for my mental health.

But I can’t think of me. This is about my child. Yet it impacts me just the same.

So I feel cornered and it’s freaking me out.

I want more than anything to be the bigger person, to be secure in my relationship and bond with my daughter and not have any inkling she’d throw me under the bus cos daddy has more money or lets her run with sharp objects while he plays games on the computer. I WANT to be that person, the mature person who puts the child first. And after 7 years you’d think I’d be there. I have zero feelings for him that don’t equate with toxic waste, and most of that is linked to his habitual lies, self distortions, and the fact he abandoned all three of his kids. Not my ego, not that he broke my heart.

He just contaminates everything he touches, even worse than I do. At least I can maintain a relationship with my kid, he can’t even manage that much with any of his 3. And it’s always the moms’ faults, never his doing. He’s a born victim. And you come to realize that when dealing with born victims, you will never ever come out the better person because they will villfy you no matter how dignified you handle yourself. Still, knowing you’re the better person deep down, you know you kinda gotta bite the bullet and take one for the team. For the best interest of the child.

Except in my opinion, her best interests aren’t served by some religious organization forcefeeding ‘all families are the same, must make dad a card’ mentality down her throat. Making her feel bad when she said she didn’t see her dad and didn’t want to do it at first. That is such utter fucking bullshit. Religous types may mean well, but they’re ignorant and myopic. They don’t know our situation and they don’t know what kind of hornet’s nest this may stir up, especially for my kid, emotionally.

Best case scenario, he wants to see her and okay, we manage not to throttle each other on the rare occasion he can be bothered to play dad. And yeah, I mean PLAY because if you’re not present, you’re not being a dad. Or a mom or a parent. You gotta be there, in some capacity, not just when it suits your ego or boredom.

Worst case scenario, he doesn’t want to see her and she gets her little heart broken wondering why daddy is rejecting her again.

So, hey, society…butt out of people’s personal family matters. One size does not fit all and while your intentions may be good…my kid may pay the price in not good way and this cornered animal is not rertacting the claws.

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