The Anxiety Ninjas Are Baaaack

Today started out with cramps and a strong desire to NOT get out of bed. That’s becoming my default, which during spring/summer, is pretty unusual. I was okay for a bit and then, with no real reason other than excessive noise outside…BAM! Anxiety ninjas moved in for the kill, causing my heartrate to speed up, my paranoia to rise, and that unsettling ‘fight or flight’ sensation that feels like shark jaws devouring you.

I am so bloody sick of the ‘get over it’ speeches. So tired of being fed ‘this cured me, it will work for you’. I had my damned chakras aligned, doesn’t that attest to how hard I’ve tried to do away with the free floating anxiety and panic?

And I am not unaware that this blog is becoming anxiety-bitch-and-moan-a-palooza. But this is my life and this is what I endure daily. I talk about it to purge, to try to make sense of the stressors and triggers, and also…to let others know they are not alone if they, too, have these experiences. No amount of shrinks and meds and therapy and exercise is going to combat the anxiety ninjas. It can help lessen it, to an extent, so maybe their attacks are less lethal, but inevitably, those ninjas will close in on you least expect it and that’s okay. One day, science may actually lead to a discovery that people with anxiety have a part of our brain that’s unique and thus our ‘fight or flight’ impulse center is off kilter. I know the experts like to eschew theories about childhood trauma and such as an explanation for free floating anxiety but I’ve been at this battle since I was 7 years old. There was no trauma, no real stressor. It was just like the receptors in my brain were always sending out the wrong messages and telling me to be afraid and on alert when there was no real reason to be.

God knows how many hours I have spent over the years, examining my memory and my life experiences, trying to ‘explain’ what incident or series of incidents ‘trained’ my mind to kick into fight or flight randomly. Aside from the bullying in school, there’s really nothing. That was all after I was 11, anyway, doesn’t explain why a 7 year old became convinced a bee flew in her ear and was constantly buzzing inside despite medical evidence. And it’s long been a problem on my maternal side, grandma got hives from her nerves, as does my mom, my sister and I both experience the foreboding and panic, even my brother-different moms- has an anxiety disorder. I remain unconvinced that we’re all part of some eleborate life long scheme to train ourselves to be high strung.

Weirdest part of my anxiety disorder is, when things are REALLY scary and worthy of fight or flight feelings…I’m usually the calmest one of the bunch. Outwardly anyway, I still get the rapid heartbeat, itchiness, stomach aches, and sweating but clarity of mind often kicks in. And I am fairly certain when driving your sibling to the hospital after an overdose should make you anything but calm and clear minded. So yeah, I do buy the crossed wires theory and one day, science just might be able to prove it. They’ve already established through brain scans the difference between the mind of your non-psychopath and a bonafide psychopath. Is it really so far out there that some brains send out wrong fight or flight signals due to structural differences?

I feel better now that I have purged. Writing is my therapy even if it’s never read and considered narcissistic and self centered. It helps me, and so I shall keep doing it. Too many people start blogs then abandon them when their crisis or whatever has passed or they become bored. And I can’t say I haven’t done it,too, I’ve let my other blogs languish but it’s hard to write poetry or be funny and random when consumed by depression and anxiety ninjas. I’m not killing off any blog right now. Especially not this one. Purging here and the occasional feedback, has helped me far more than any counselor.

On a final note…

Please read this about my sister’s cat, Schmitten, surviving cancer.

Smitty, as she is called, deserves at least a social media share, she has been such a brave girl and survived so much. And honestly, what does a share cost you? My brother in law and his son told my sister no one would donate or care enough to share so…prove those jerks wrong, please. Much as I think my kid and I are a good cause, Schmitten is a better one.

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