Multi Directional Meltdown

Yesterday pushed me to the edge and today feels like an anxiety hangover. My mood is low, my energy is nil (and I slept pretty well, interrupted, as usual, but still, I got a few solid hours), and the free floating anxiety and paranoia are rampant. This is nothing unusual, following an uber triggering day. Some people thrive on high stress and pressure whereas it does me in and I need to take a beat and recover. Probably why I self isolate so much. Sensory overload messes with my mood stability and I do need to step back and ‘opt out’ of further stressors. Sometimes I am able to do this, and this morning has indicated this to be one of those times. But it’s only 11 a.m. so lots of hours left for the day to turn into another trigger.

All things considered, I’ve had a few decent mental days lately so this is a hiccup, or well, an annoying hours long bout of hiccups.

Yesterday started with my bank deposit MIA which threw off the plans I’d made beforehand. It turned out to be a blessing, of sorts, because my dad was wanting me and stepmonster to go to town together to save on fuel and honestly…riding with other people is just one of those things I.don’t.like.to.do. And considering how much I like saving on gas money and avoid driving in traffic, you know my aversion to riding with others is enormous. It has nothing to do with their driving ability. It’s that feeling of being at their mercy, trapped, forced to endure social niceties and my own errands plus theirs and no control of the ‘opt out’ where I can flee homeward when circuits overload. It sounds like a silly thing and it’s to my own detriment in some ways, but it is what it is.

My money eventually deposited, but by then Spook was playing with her little friend and of course, complaining about everything C was doing being wrong or annoying her, so that noise (literal and metaphoric) set me on edge. On edge is not the mental state to be in when driving to town. Living in tiny Armpit has turned my driving paranoia and anxiety into some metastatic thing so I need to be in the right mindset to brave it. (Again, wouldn’t carpooling be nice, ya know, if it didn’t make the anxiety even worse.) Waited a couple of hours and then the kid bickering just got to be too much, had to load her up and flee my own home for an escape. I thought out of the trailer park I might get my life back and not run a free daycare and food dispensary every day. My social child has maintained the status quo and I gotta say…it’s annoying because her little friend is picky as hell and always.bloody.hungry. If they didn’t occasionally reciprocate by having her over and giving her a popsicle or water, I’d probably be in bitchbeast mode. Everyone blamed the trailer park for every bad thing (me, too, my bad) but really…it’s just a kid thing. Kids are needy, ungrateful, rude no matter who raises them or where. And I hate being the ‘no’ monster, always chastising, saying no, being the downer. Adulting sucks.

Anyway, we finally went to town yesterday and ran errands (waiting to pay the landlord til June 1rst because if I get the money order on the 30th or 31rst, it confuses him as to what month it is, wtf, bitching about being paid early, on what planet is this a bad thing???). Paid a couple of bills by phone just to save myself aggravation of traffic and stops cos towing an incessantly talking uncooperative child along is the definition of a trigger, the stops we had to make were grueling enough. Thing I hate about paying on line are their ‘processing fees’. They don’t provide physical locations to pay, I don’t have excess money to mail payment a week beforehand, and it’s all just annoying.

By our sixth stop in town, my kid had talked me to exhaustion. The car was starting to overheat, I should have checked the coolant since it’s been in the 90’s but of course, swiss cheese brain forgets these things. I had no coolant in the trunk, left it behind at the trailer,ffs, shit ain’t cheap. I bought a gallon of water, then had to kneel in the parking lot and try to figure out the confusing hood latch…And Spook kept talking and questioning and it was hot and the temp gauge went down but the damn ‘low coolant’ light kept flashing on and off. That damn dashboard is gonna drive me to drink, nothing reads accurately so it can’t be trusted which means driving is a guessing game of what could go wrong this time…I love that car, don’t get me wrong, but working gauges is kind of something I like. Unfortunately, it’s a wiring problem and that shit…costs a lot of money and time in the shop.

I just prayed the whole way home that the car would get us there and that I wasn’t tearing it up by driving it with that damn flashing light. I was torn between calling my dad and asking if I should drive it or have them come to town and check it out. I erred on the side of self reliance and chance because if you call my dad and it ain’t an emergency, you’re in the for a ‘dumbass’ lecture. My mood was not conducive. God, I wish I’d taken auto shop in school, relying on others cos I am car dumb is stressful…Oh, wait, my bumfuck school didn’t even offer auto shop and I barely passed the required wood shop project…

God, I can’t stay on topic and get this rant over with cos my kid keeps interrupting with various complaints (bored is a common theme) and the doctor’s office called again to reschedule my shrink appt to tomorrow afternoon which throws off my entire day (I like to pay rent in the morning in hopes of avoiding the landlord knocking at the door, which is comedic, thinking he’d remember til a week later, shoot me if I get senile)…We got home, I chilled out, and eventually we ate leftovers and I bathed my kid and went to bed.

Gah…I hate these rambling posts but I must exorcise the demons so that they don’t consume me.

My stomach is rioting today, stress aftermath. That and never knowing when dad and crew are gonna bug me. I wish I had a better outlook on socialization but it just overloads me, and no amount of self pep talks and others guilting me for being ‘anti social’ changes this. I seek company when I feel able to cope, it’s good enough for me.

Well, the pre appointment anxiety is kicking in. I’m hoping I can sway the shrink to up my Cymbalta to 80 mg, it will likely be a hard sell but with a graduating dose, I think it will be fine now that I am off a secondary anti depressant. I’d like to get my mental state leveled out so I can get some minor enjoyment out of our summer. And a level mental state makes the meltdowns lessen because my coping skills improve. It’s just all around good deal for me, just gotta sell the doctor on it. Then my next appt will be back to nurse doc, ugh. And it sucks because she really IS super nice, and I hate questioning her aptitude because we’ve all been new at something and experience doesn’t happen overnight…But her by the book questioning and seeming indifference while clacking away on the computer keyboard just don’t sit well with me. If your doctor appointments trigger you, something is very wrong. But alas, since this place can’t keep doctors, it looks like I have no choice. And it goes to that devil you know thing cos a new doctor could be worse….

Gah. That is the word of today, kids. GAH! See, this rambling rant is what becomes of me when I bottle a needed post for whatever random reason. I gotta vent then I can write half ass coherent stuff.

Now I am going to breathe and hope the tummy goblins die down.

If being high strung was an Olympic sport, man, I’d win the gold big time.

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