Living Triggers

Right now there a three mowers cutting down the grass and my kid has her friend over so they are inside bickering, as usual. My frayed nerves take this sensory assault very personally. The noise alone does me in but that it’s my dad and his crew mowing because they deemed my lawncare subpar after only a week without a mowing…Guess my inferiority complex is as triggered as my nerves. Just….being in their proximity sets me off whether a word is said or not. Because undoubtedly words are going to be said. One on one, I can handle dad, stepmonster, and my brother. The three of them combined, yelling and cussing each other and everyone else…sends me over the edge.

These are the times I think, “I need a hubcap size of Xanax.”

That (not hubcap sized, of course, insurance is too cheap to pay for that doseage) Xanax door is my last option, I really do try hard to tolerate my triggers and live with them. No pill is going to make them go away and you don’t learn coping mechanisms just popping a pill every time your circuits are overloaded. So I do battle and try and try harder and try some more.

Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I fail miserably. I keep trying, that’s gotta count for something. And sometimes what I need most when experiencing overload, like yesterday with my brother here all day on the internet and my kid having her pouting fit cos she didn’t get her outing the neighbor promised, then bickering with her friend the whole day cos she was just in a foul mood…I had not slept much, was exhausted, overloaded, and yet…they invited her to play at their house and miraculously…just a little space and some peace from the child turmoil and noise…I managed to calm down, and I even did a week’s worth of dishes in spite of the kitchen feeling like a sauna. Instead of falling face first into bed at 8 p.m., I was awake til nearly midnight. Because just the break, short as it was, was enough to help me regain equilibrium. Doesn’t always work that way, but sometimes it does, and I love when that happens.

Of course, I didn’t sleep well again, and kept waking up per usual, which means without the school alarm now, I am sleeping til 8:30 or 9:30 a.m. My kid loves guilting me about it, like it’s all I ever do, yet she’s always at school on time, church on time, et al, so…I remember as a kid my parents would sleep an extra hour or so on weekends and we were expected to get our own bowl of cereal and just watch TV for awhile. That was when I was 5. My kid is almost 9, so I’m not really feeling the guilt of leaving my little one on her own for an hour in the morning. She’s trying to make me feel it but meh…If I slept ten hours a night and still wanted to sleep in, then I’d feel lazy and guilty. But if you’re averaging 4 hours of sleep every night and the longest stretch is 90 minutes…exhaustion’s natural, not sloth.

And the noise keeps on coming. C hasn’t been here a half hour and she’s already started yelling at him because how dare he expect her to share her toys. Sometimes, she has really unlikeable traits. Like when she says we are all here FOR HER and we all have to pay attention to her or go away. I’m voting for nature over nurture here, because while I certainly do want to be left alone, I do NOT treat people like my entertainment playthings I can snap my fingers at to summon and dismiss. That’s arrogant and frankly, an asshole move. All I can do is accept she is her own person, doesn’t mean I am a bad mom, and try to teach her better. I may as well go talk to a brick fricking wall.

Yes, my mood was level but the triggers bring it down and I get testy and pissed off and it reflects in a low mood and negative attitude. When the triggers dissipate and calm returns, I will pipe down. I try not to get bent but hey, apparently, getting bent is what I do best. Mom always said stick to what you’re good at. I still try to do better because getting bent hurts me and usually leads me to stick both feet, socks, and shoes in my mouth but hey, self improvement is a slow grueling process.

And the noise is halved, now I just have to contend with my kid’s bad attitude toward her friend.

About that hubcap sized Xanax….I’m gonna need that if I am to survive the summer with her tirades.

Just sayin’, back up plan is a good thing to have in case my self improvement thing falters.

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