Dark Side’s Calling

I finally managed to get a really good night’s sleep. Recipe:1mg xanax, 40 mg Attrax, 3 mg Melatonin, taken within in a half hour of each other. Unfortunately, the price for sleeping through 7 hours…That Attrax has a hangover not even alcohol gives. My body feels leaden, my soul blackened, my head like concrete. I am more tired than when I didn’t sleep through and I keep wondering on what planet does anyone, let alone people with degrees, find this a good solution to my sleep disorder? And it’s not even a half assed acceptable hangover where you can at least nod back to sleep and wake up again like take two.

I am in a bad bad mental space. I was frozen idle for two days, sprang into action of some sort for two days, now today….I can’t see any hope in sight. My kid, after a sleepover at grandma’s, has spent the last 3 days since returning being an absolute jerk. Constantly questioning me, mouthing me, being dramatic, blatantly lying then saying, “Grandma says I am just going through a lying phase…” I say no, she is still arguing 10 minutes later with me. If I try to be parental, she goes drama and says she has dreams they take me away cos I am sooo mean to her…Then I get treated to more garbage from my mom’s house and how they spent all this money on Valentine’s gifts for her but I can’t even spring a dollar for chocolate for her and somehow I am the bad guy even though we have shelter and warmth and food…

I am at the end of my rope with everything. The dark thoughts in my head are so dark, they make black look like a festive color. I don’t think I am coming out of this depression alive. It’s really bad. And worse, some days I think I might be able to come out on the other side ok but then I end up with more dark days like this one where I am a failure at everything and I don’t even have self pity, I just want it to all stop, to end, to be over.

I’m exhausted. I feel eviscerated. There’s no point. The one person I love most in my life is nice to EVERYONE but me and my will to live is nil, her treating me that badly just makes me feel like maybe her dreams should come true and they should take her. God knows I can’t parent her with my mom’s faction constantly undoing it then saying ‘oh we don’t mean to do that’we just never have any problems with her.” Nope, never telling an 8 year old no and letting them eat so much sugar they come home with cookie batter in their hair…why would a child find that worth acting out against?

And then I feel like this pathetic whiner who has screwed up everything I’ve ever touched and I don’t want to absolve myself by giving up, I want to fight because I know sometimes I am the problem but then I see how others have been pretty shitty to me but their lives go on fine so again…right back to me being the only problem and what is the fucking point.

I hate feeling this way. I wasn’t in this space the last few days but then I take that damn Attrax for sleep and suddenly my entire equilibrium is haywire.

So I bide time and think how to approach the new doc without coming off as a vitriole filled demon even though I feel entirely justified that their psych nurse totally botched my treatment in every possible way and it is relevant but I can’t even speak up about it cos it just looks bad on me.

The anxiety this all causes has me rattled but I am so far down the rabbit hole…I don’t care if we get kicked out, I don’t care about much of anything right now.

That Attrax is toxic. It’s the only common denominator as I’ve taken Xanax and Melatonin for years without incident. I thought 7 solid hours of sleep would be worth the known hangover but…

Like everything else I was wrong.

Grrr….these dark mental spaces scare the hell out of me. And the fact it came on only after taking that damn sleeping pill make me more furious than I was by not sleeping.

I have to own all my bullshit that contributes to my problems yet the professionals shovel out pills that cause my mental state to be worse and they get to shrug it off, not a factor, not their fault.

Just….sick…of…it…all.

I quit drinking. I cut my caffeine intake to 5%. I have done EVERYHTHING trying to help myself…and yet…my mind just gets sicker and sicker.

And while I appreciate input, all the talk about lock down wards and shock therapy really had me freaking out because I have NEVER needed either before even if I had discussed it with a decent doctor as last resort. What I need is a good doctor with a logical plan for a med regime that will work. And for winter to go away.

Less than a month away now. Hope is there, if the dark side doesn’t drive me over the edge.

A medication has to be pretty vile, in my personal use, if not sleeping is better than the aftermath side effects. Attrax. Ranks right up there with Latuda. Pills of death.

I stopped making sense long ago…my brain is so muddled…I HATE SLEEPING MEDS. And I hate the fucking dark side because I am not beyond hope, I am not a horrible person, and to end up feeling this bad in spite of every effort to seek treatment and do away with my own behaviors that made things worse….this is galling and despicable.

Life is hard.

But when your biggest battle begins in your own mind before you even open the front door and step outside…it’s hardly a fair battle at all.

I’ve been awake 3 hours and my brain still feels clogged with cotton, none of what I am writing makes sense even to me. Wtf….

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