Don’t stop, don’t go. Been stuck here a week now due to the living situation and it’s taking a toll. I’m running on 70 minutes of sleep and tired as hell but the anxiety is at fever pitch. I called the potential landlord at 8:15 this morning I(apparently it’s best to catch Alzheimer’s patients early in the day) and…he barely remembered me. He sounded confused. He even forgot the whole point in this having to move and being desperate is cos I have a small child who requires a home. He said the house needs the bathroom redone and it can’t be done if people are living there. I said, you told us Monday, we can wait 5 days so you can get the work done. He said he had to get his head sorted out and he’d call me sometime today.
I don’t hold out much hope. My mind is just spinning but I am on hold.
Until the lease is signed and we have the key I don’t want to move another thing. Fat chance dad and stepmonster will agree but we’ve already stuffed the shed over there and have way more to go…if this guy isn’t going to get his shit together and rent to us, what’s the point in hauling more stuff? Truth is, I am tired from lack of sleep, my body aches, my knees are puffy, even my gums are sore from teeth gnashing. Anxiety is a condition you can’t fathom until you’ve lived it. Seems so innocuous, silly even, to have your life put on hold not just by the pace of others necessary to your plan, but to have your own body on red alert as if your life is in danger…this is no way to live but it’s all i know.
I know we need to get shit moved. But there’s not much room left in that shed (even though stepmonster would stack it to the ceiling, which, for electronics and glassware is, um no.) And while I am sitting here waiting for the guy to call me back, for all i know he’s renting this place out from under us like the other place. And half our stuff is there so where the fuck would that leave us? Dad just keeps moving our stuff with no concrete plan in place, just ‘talk to the man, Niki.” I have, multiple times, and he doesn’t remember talking to me!!!! I am terrified and while mom and sis sort of get how strung out i am…dad and his clan are clueless. Of course, it’s not their asses facing homelessness.
Part of my precarious state is the fact I’ve taken down most of the curtains to be washed so there’s a surplus of light and people can see in and it’s unsettling. Throw in the incessantly barking dogs, the traffic, waiting for the phone to ring…I’m on overload. And as tired as some may be of hearing/reading it..no one is sicker of this state of mind than i am. I wish i could just click the lil X and close the tab to avoid hearing yet another endless rant about how bad my anxiety is.
At the same time, for every idget who seems to think I am redundant and use my disorders as a crutch (which I don’t get at all, cos crutches are useful, my disorders are not)…getting a comment from someone my post resonated with makes it worth seeming redundant and possibly self pitying. It’s important people know if they’re feeling like this…they’re not alone.
I feel pretty damned alone. I am sick of being strong. I want to shatter and break and get a few days to rest and recharge. Not a vacation. Just a reboot. A solid roof over head would help immensely and i don’t mean a psych ward.
So life is on hold due to waiting on the necessary action of others to get my plan in motion. And then my life is on hold because it’s one of those sensory overload days where leaving my chair seems like something bad is going to happen.
Day time is my high stress time. Last night at least the anxious energy became hella productive. Today…all I can do is hope the phone rings, yet fear the phone ringing…I don’t want to move anything today but i know I’m not gonna get cut any slack. I’m hyper aware of the former scumlord’s snarky comment about being out the last day of the month but we’re gonna be here til Friday at least. I fear leaving lest he lock my shit up. Is it really irrational, as if it’s never happened to someone, whether they were in the wrong or not? Some people are just dicks and scumlord is their king penis.
So I am on hold in everyway, my skeleton feels like it’s trying to escape from my skin (thank god I keep a (Xanax stash cos it’s been three days and the doctor’s office still hasn’t called in my refill, ffs), and all i want is to collapse into some semblance of peace so I can stop gnashing my gums to sore moosh. Something’s gotta give.
Until it does…everything is on hold and that helpless feeling is as hobbling as a sledgehammer to the legs.