FFS, anxiety

I woke 20 minutes ago at 4 a.m. in a dead panic. Guess why? If you answered “R”, ding ding ding, you win….well, nothing but you apparently pay attention to my ranting.

He showed up unannounced to look at the dryer last night cos Kenny was griping about me running up the shop power bill. I was not amused as I have not been amused for months by his unannounced visits, I was finally getting my kid to settle down after yet another day of being a mouthy brat. His appearance sent her into another hyper mode and she just yapped and yapped, which sets him off and he isn’t as tolerant as I am, which says a lot about him…So he starts muttering and snapping at her to shut up.

The stress of him showing up and interacting with my child is bad enough.

THEN he starts in on how he can’t wait to watch all the democrats go down and Trump has done so much good for this country and I just sipped my mangorita (hells yeah, the man brings them, I am drinking them or otherwise I will Z Whack him with a fucking hammer, kiss my ass, nurse doc!!!!) and tried to not engage the topic. My darling child starts in on my hot button issues like the Trump administration taking away servers’ tips and net neutrality. She’s 8, she doesn’t care about politics but oh she does care about stirring the pot. There I am trying not to get the whole thing started because I’ve waved the white flag,I don’t want to discuss politics with someone who can’t even agree to disagree.

Just got worse from there. He bitched about my laundry room being so dirty and told me to play Twister trying to get stuff out from behind the dryer while he took it apart. Um…It’s been there 7 years and brute as I am, I can’t move a fucking dryer by myself and never saw the need just to pick up some lint balls, a few stray socks and some curtain rods that fell behind there. Oddly, all the voltages checked out and he put it together, fiddled a bit and it was putting out heat.

Then he left and I went to put a load in and…no heat. And I sent a catty text which he never replied to but I am fed up with him making cunt-y (yeah, I said it!) remarks about how I probably just didn’t have it on heat setting. For fuck’s sake, you arrogant elitist prick, I’ve been using a dryer since I was 12, I think I can read hot and cold and definitely discern the difference when my clothes have been drying an hour and there’s no heat in the drum or vent!!!!

Then came him starting in about the cars, which is what he always does to divert my anger. OOoh, something shiny I am going to pay for, look here, don’t mind what a jackass I am…And I just played along, because I hate confrontation and especially at the holidays and I know he isn’t a bad guy deep deep deep down (like maybe in his bone marrow) but since he got a ‘real’ job and doesn’t have money problems anymore…he’s become insufferable in every way, just like he was in the 90’s. Only less fun.

And he’s totally forgotten or is in denial about me taking two weeks off with my kid.

I will wait til Christmas day, Ninja to the shop and return the key with a note, nicely worded or not depends on if the pms and depression and anxiety level up…But I have to be done with this daily torment. It’s got to go. And I now see why I aggravated my counselors, because I do have to drive a topic into the ground before making a decision. In all honesty, without the stupid mood stabilizers and therapy shoved down my throat, I would go with my heart and gut right off instead of questioning my own motives and feelings for months and years.

In that way the psych pros totally ruined me.

I can only be better of the people around me are willing to be better and that ain’t happening. They just keep devolving.

So maybe in spite of the mood stabilizers keeping me full of self doubt about my motives…I need to say fuck off to this whole situation, if only to keep myself from the psych ward. This waking in a dead panic has been going on for months now and while psych nurse wasn’t concerned…I am concerned. This is no way to live and certainly no way to heal and get back on my feet.

Now…I have 4 more hours I can sleep but even with a Xanax…the panic has subsided but the spinning thoughts have not so most likely I won’t fall back to sleep until ten minutes before the alarm goes off. And I am dragging my wet laundry to the shop and drying it and they can both kiss my ass. I have to take my kid with me as school is out so it’s gonna be a miserably long 4 hours but once I do this…we’re squared. And getting out from under his thumb is as crucial as taking my next breath.

What kind of psych professional doesn’t say, “This relationship is really detrimental to your well being, maybe you need to step away for awhile?”

I don’t want to be petty and nasty and say doc nurse sucks at her job…but….her bedside manner is very lacking. And I hope it doesn’t result in me having a mega meltdown and having to go into the hospital. Because with my luck, as she is my psych provider of record til I get back into D. B, so they’d have her come see me and…I’d be looking to jump out of the first window.

I wish I were joking.

Some of the worst stressors for mental health patients are the “kind, well intentioned” people.

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