Swallowing Pride…In The Name Of Love

First….this post has nothing to do with U2. I really am not into that band. For me, they rank up with Rush-ughhh. (sorry,Mr. M!)…but their song did remind me of what tonight was like for me. (***Disclaimer…I recognize the contribution both of those bands have made to the music world over the years, it’s still not the poison I’d pick.)

By some miracle I staved off the disgruntled shop customer to not take their business elsewhere til Monday (fuck you, asshole postal service,don’t tell me it’s delayed without an explanation!) Like, literally, 20 minutes before I left, all the while wishing they wouldn’t call and ask and me have to deliver bad news, again…But I guess by being sincerely obsequious (is it an oxymoron? Because, yes, I gushed gratitude for their understanding but it wasn’t at all insincere), I bought a day or two for ASS TRASH POSTAL SERVICE to do their damned job properly…(After I sent a pissy email to the ebay seller, oops, what a bitch I am!). Stress makes me panic and panic makes me an enormous bitch beast. Anyway, I miraculously held off that dragon.

Tonight my plan was to have my kid inside, bathed, and fed by 5:30 p.m.

Man makes plans, God, sacred pegacorn, and the flying spaghetti monster laugh.

I kept wondering why neighbor kids were showing up to play in their Halloween costumes..only to be informed there some ‘safe trick or treat’ shindig tonight. Which I had no notice of prior to 20 minutes before it began. And one of Spook’s friends asked if she could go and I said, yeah, long as I talk to an adult for approval. Well, that mom said no. Never mind all I do for these kids and me having them all here giving their parents a break…no, they can’t do fuck all to reciprocate. Then my kid started in. And I don’t do ‘on the spot’. In theory, spontaneous is amazing. In practice with mood swings and panic disorders….it’s terrifying and threatening.

I told her I’d research the local paper on line for details and consider it. THEN I found the article and it said last years between 5p.m. and 8 p.m OVER 1000 KIDS ATTENDERD. Which means at least 1/4 at least had 2 parents with them thus raising th crowd number…And I freaked. I told myself, noooooooooooooooo, you’re gonna end up in the rubber room.

Then my kid raised the ante and asked if her two devil girl friends could come with us. And I felt shitty cos I know (assholes they are) their parents have only one car and the mom had it at work so going with us was their only chance to attend…I said okay. Then wondered why I said okay.

I took 2mg Xanax (No, it doesn’t make me sleepy or impair me, not after 25 years) and the kids costumed up and I took them…Relieved to find a parking space I could easily escape, and also, the line was only 30 people long. I was anxious, I was terrified of losing one of 3 kids, but I was also giggling and taking pics of the Halloween displays…I overheated, nearly choked on a beloved fruit flavored Tootsie Roll, and could have done cartwheels when we finally ‘escaped’…But it wasn’t all terrible. It was stressful to an extent but I tried to bolster myself with the 3 girls’ enthusiasm.

I even let them play in the yard an hour after we got back so they could check out and swap their candy.

Then I had a generic ‘rita to steady my nerves and help me sleep because, dammit, I earned it. I have been so damned strong, so determined…I will pay eventually, but right now…I put my kid ahead of my own needs or likes, I even managed to conquer my own terror and panic for her enjoyment…No resentment. Just…

WOW! I fucking did this!!!!! Not just with my kid, but with two extras in tow! How awesome am I?

I recognize this for what it is. An aberrant manic-mixed episode where I amaze myself with my uber functionality and think WOO HOO I AM BLOODY WELL CURED!!!!

But I’m not. I am dancing on a razor’s edge. Not pessimistic. Realistic.

But, for once….I was tough enough to put my kid’s needs first and just.do.it. I will pay the price this weekend and probably be unable to stumble out of bed beyond going pee and feeding my kid but…for tonight…

I felt like Wonderwoman. It was a good feeling. I just wish mental illness gave a damn and would let it stick the landing.

(Creepy pix to follow…at some point)

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3 Responses to “Swallowing Pride…In The Name Of Love”

  1. Hot Damn! Wonder Woman doing a dance on a razor blade? Aren’t you awesome?! Don’t you look awesome?! Well, my mental picture was hot.

    I think pushing myself to do the things more than routine is good for me in some sick, twisted way. I hate the routine, to begin with. But I’m sorry for myself in the middle of it, and to those who had such high expectations for sucking at the extra project when I’m depressed and panicking and feeling like it’ll never be over.

    I’m glad you were able to endure the event. Don’t die choking on a tootsie roll. You don’t want to make people want to laugh and cry at the same time. “Cause of Death: Fruit-Flavored Tootsie Roll” Oh and of course that begs the question, what flavor was it?

    I didn’t know margaritas were harsh for you, did I read that right? Sorry to hear.

    DM

  2. Oh, Margeritas are fine but expensive, I drink the convenience store canned ‘rita flavored stuff. Harsh is my beloved cake vodka, which I handled fine til after I had Spook and now it gives me agonizing heartburn as does my old beloved Mountain Dew. Swear she redecorated my innards when she was living in there rent free.

    Occasionally pushing myself is okay. But if I am in a mixed manic state and push too far, the result is very very bad. I have to get off the carousel for a bit before I start spewing pea soup and chainsawing off the heads of pretty fake horses 😉

    PS
    There actually was a chick dressed as Wonderwoman there, with Batman, got a pic of the kids with them 🙂

  3. It always feels good when I do something like that, I’m like, damn I’m a normal human being, got that shit done, did my part, etc. That sounds like an insane outing, way too many variables for me, but good on you! And I totally pay for it afterwards, sore muscles, headaches, numb brain and it takes me a week to recover, but sometimes it is worth it ❤

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