Hexed

Between yesterday and today, the anxiety has gone from a slow simmer to a roiling boil, and 99% without a trigger. I leave the 1% open ended cos hey, being a single mom is going to bring anxiety even for someone without the disorder.

Still, I can’t help but feel hexed here. The weather abruptly shifted again, turning from scorching to “damn it, why did I wear a tank top and not bring a hoodie, I am freezing!” overnight. With this comes the seasonal affective symptoms banging on the door. I want to hoard my acorns and go underground for six months. I know I can’t but I want to. It’s what the depression does, makes you want to function as minimally as possible.

What’s at maximum instead of minimum is the anxiety. Today, for no reason whatsoever, it is rampaging. I can’t even get caught up on the last 4 episodes of Supernatural because…Okay, this will sound super stupid, but it’s how I feel…I really can’t allow myself to watch my uber favorite shows when I am in a bad mental state lest those shows start representing my bad mental states. In other words, I don’t want what I enjoy being equated with the level of anxiety I currently feel, so I simply can’t watch the show. And it’s a damned shame, because I love Supernatural. And it’s not like I can’t watch other shows (well, I did quit Sons of Anarchy toward the end of season six because, wow, all that evil and killing and manipulation and lies, damn, my anxiety doesn’t need more anxiety), I just watched The Brave’s first episode and I quite enjoyed it. I watched Bull this morning, as well, and enjoyed it.

But Supernatural is…a long love affair I’ve had going on 12 years now and I simply cannot let my own mental damage also damage my feelings for the show. Illogical, irrational, whatever.

Welcome to the ruins left behind smoldering when your disorders continue to wreak havoc on every aspect of your life.

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