In My Dreams

So normally my sporadic sleep and dreams result in me not to wake up even when the dreams are particularly nasty.

Last night…Nope. I had this hella nightmare where I went to see the doc nurse and she just tweaked my Xanax without regard to my Trintellix and sent me on my way so I demanded to see Dr. B and flung myself on his desk and begged for him to be my doctor again. Which of course lead to them all having a chat and declaring me batshit and needing locked down. And I was pounding against the plexi glass at the looney bin screaming that I was not a danger to myself or others, I just MISS my doctor who actually makes me feel like more than a checklist of symptoms. I was screaming that I HAD to be out because I needed to take my kid to some function and how dare they put me in a position of letting her down just because I spoke my mind…

And then it got better as the shrink, the one I like, took me and Spook on this supervised outing and…at the end of the night, he and doctor nurse got together and decided, based on the word of those around me, that I was suicidal and they took my kid and locked me back up and all I’d ever done was the usual sarcastic “I wanna drink bleach rather than go to this family shindig”….

If dreams mean anything, I think this one means I should keep my true thoughts to myself lest they lock me up. Even a 24 hour hold could make me look like an unfit mother and honestly, I know my stepmonster would be all too happy to step forward and agree and take my kid away. I know this because she’s told people as much. And if it were a matter of my kid going hungry or being beaten, fine. But because my house isn’t spic and span and I don’t have a surplus of money..those are not reasons you call someone an unfit parent.

Or am I projecting my own fears?

When she got back from church last night, I was informed there was an incident on the bus where Spook just wanted the other kids to be quiet, which even the grown ups agreed with, but when the others failed to listen to Spook and obey…she screamed, ‘FINE, I AM GONNA GO HOME AND TAKE 4 MELATONIN AND KILL MYSELF!”

I was horrified. And pretty sure melatonin won’t kill you by itself. I keep all pills out of her reach, anyway, and only meter out the bedtime dose, APPROVED BY THE PEDIATRIC NURSE PRACTITIONER. I have never told her or anyone, out loud, aside from psych professionals, about any inclination toward an overdose on pills. Gargling razor bloods, drinking bleach, juggling chainsaws…NEVER a word about pills. If anything, I discourage her from taking anything even tylenol, because I know what a hell the medi go round is.

I can’t say this is the first time she’s said something about killing herself. She does it often enough for it to worry me, but it is almost exclusively related to people telling her no or disagreeing with or stressing her out and she comes out of it pretty fast then wonders what the problem even was. Sound familiar to any bipolars?

I’m gonna see about counseling for her, but god knows what she will tell them. And I watch enough TV to know half of the psych professionals are just as fucked in the head as the rest of us and everyone’s opinion varies so one person’s unfit is called my upbringing which I thought compared to other kids wasn’t too damned shabby. These days it’d be called neglect and abuse. Then again, these days, not giving the snowflakes an iphone makes you a bad parent.

I am not taking her outburst lightly, but at the same time…She may be getting this drama from TV or her friends or whatever, but I know it’s not coming from me. Others won’t believe this, of course, it’s always the sanity challenged who take the blame, but the one thing I know better than any of them…is my kid’s manipulations and tantrums. Once she was home and off that bus, order restored mentally, meaning no excess noise…she was right as rain. Again, that tune sounds familiar. I may not threaten to off myself when the noise overwhelms but coming undone and only regaining equilbrium once the chaos has ended…I definitely know that tune.

So that is what I am dealing with today. Wondering how long before some well meaning person turns me into child protective because my kid is a drama llama and a compulsive liar. She evens lies about her lies when caught red handed and has no qualms. I feel guilty for hitting a possum, ffs, so lack of conscience, once again…not coming from me. Something is wrong with her and I will try to get her help and get if figured out because yeah, they DO put 8/9 year olds in juvenile psych ward-prison places as my sister’s friend’s son found out this year when he hit his teacher the third time. But wait, I can’t do shit until after her well kid check up in September because her dad’s insurance only pays for one a year and I need the ped doc’s referral for therapy or a shrink but first Spook will have to see the nurse practitioner who will then have to refer to the actual doctor…

Fucking ridiculous.

Plus side, I worked out my deal with the power company so they will keep the juice on and I won’t be in debtor’s court. I am sweeping up bug corpses which means the treatment is slowly working its magic. Speaking of sweeping, I need a new broom. I was bashing the twitchy not quite dead bugs so hard, mine broke in half yesterday. (Bring on the jokes about how did I ever get my kid to school without my broomstick.)

Okay. Purge complete. I think I see doc nurse tomorrow. After last night’s dream…Not sure how honest to be, even if I keep my cool. Truth can set you free or get you locked up, if dreams mean anything.

It sucks have the Marquis de Sade for a brain. Daily torture is so not my thing.

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4 Responses to “In My Dreams”

  1. Damn! And you looked all cute on that broom and I was hoping one day you’d ride that to the bunker with your MPS (magic positioning system) engaged! How you gonna get here now? 😦

  2. Plus, I thought I was in your dreams! 😉

    • That was you lurking in the dream shadows? Thought that bearded avatar face looked familiar…

      On Thu, Aug 17, 2017 at 11:10 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • In your dreams, I’m only there as a sexy gothic vampire-type guardian avatar, lurking quietly in that dark corner over there, with (mostly) pure intentions. …I think. 😉 With all natural dark shadows around my eyes, and shiny, naturally black fingernails. Don’t worry, I won’t bite (unless you’re into that sort of thing, or unless one of your cats pounces on you while you’re sleeping). If it’s the cat I’ll disappear and disavow any knowledge of the event. If it’s me, I’ll still disavow any knowledge.

        Email me if you can, I’d like more information about the electric, etc. Thanks!

        DM

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