Altered States

The Donor used to say he never knew who he would coming home to after work and at the time, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. All people have good days, bad days, good moods, bad moods. It’s not exclusive to me just because I am bipolar and highstrung from anxiety.

Now I am starting to get it. The mood swings are speeding up, the lows lasting longer than the level or highs. And seeing how my own kid turns on a dime…Yeah, I see never knowing which personality you’ll be dealing with. It’s not multiple personality or dissociative, it’s just nature of the beast called bipolar or maybe in her case, being a fickle pickle of a child.

Yesterday I was ready to drink the Kool-Aid, so to speak. Just…inner darkness and self flogging.

Today I am agrro and unsure what mood swing is around the corner. I am dealing with my kid and her dramas, R is not back to his ‘real job’, they used him 3 days then never called him back so he’s back at the shop wanting me to find parts.I have cramps and I don’t know if the meds have screwed up my cycle again or if it’s stress or maybe the ovarian cysts are back and rioting.

I am so disillusioned because I had a few weeks with more ‘feeling good’ than wanting to drink bleach. Why can I never maintain? And is it this inability to “respond properly” to the meds the reason my shrink dumped me on the newbie doctor nurse? Because while I am not as aggro about it as I was a few weeks ago…I am still irked. I like that she is a little more willing to be aggressive in treatment whereas he wanted to try one med at a time without decreasing another…At the same time, I go in and sit there and rather than feeling heard, she’s busy with her computer check list on my symptoms, barely listening beyond asking the standard issue questions. That annoys me.

And it all goes back to my altered mental states. By the time I see her, Thursday or Friday, will I be in tears or will I be totally furious or complacent? Will I have the nerve to tactfully speak up and express my concerns to her about my current treatment status? Or will I cave in to “being the good girl” and being “complaint”? For the psychiatric establishment to place us in that constant state of self doubt and invalidation is abhorrent.

Then again, we do it to ourselves just as much because we know our own altered states and mood ups and downs.

For today, I am rolling with the punches without too much overreaction. Except when my kid vanished and wasn’t where she said she would be and wouldn’t reply when I called for her and I was terrified someone had kidnapped her or she had gotten hurt and couldn’t answer…I did raise my voice and order her “get your butt back home NOW!”…Not my finest moment but I was freaking out and mad that she so openly defied me then tried to make excuses for herself and then blame me because I am the worst parent ever wanting to know where she is…

Currently I am on her shit list for saying no to a sleepover but the girl griped about the fleas and I treated the cats and now the place has begun its first treatment for the bugs, NOT the optimal time for a sleepover…but I am ruining her life, all the while worrying with my limited (I love you guys who cared enough to donate!) fundraiser will result in me not being able to keep up with the monthly treatments to keep the bugs away unless I choose to not eat or take my kid to school cos we don’t have food or gas money…

BREATHE, Morgue.

Still it is a concern and legit and I am on a roller coaster with my own kid who loves me one minute then says I am the worst mother ever the next…While contending with my own ups and downs and self loathing for having the ups and downs..

Just gotta ride it out. Many others have it much worse.

I wish that meant something to society. My nephew and his fiance split (again) and she kept carrying on about how we are a dirty lazy family…Trying to meet someone else’s unrealistic expectations is exhausting. And I have to do it daily. Amazing I even have the energy to type out all my frustrations.

3 Responses to “Altered States”

  1. Alas the crapstorm keeps hitting you, maybe you could hitch a ride on it and go to OZ
    They have an opening for wicked witch so you could do that, let your spawn look after the cool flying monkey pets and get them to do the cleaning etc
    Plus, I could stay at your castle and have an actual holiday!!

    Just a suggestion…

    • Were I to have a castle and flying monkey pets, I would also have lots of alcohol so perhaps you should avoid the bad example that is me…

      Then again, I always say, if you’re in your right mind, alcohol is a stop sign. If you are faltering…let it flow like champagne at a partay.

      Mom and dad said I could be anything, I was just good at being a bad influence. Oopsie. My bad.

      On Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 7:59 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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