At What Cost

So, yeah, I did my time at the shop in the name of bartering for automotive work and help with grocery bills…But then I fetched my kid and she wasn’t with me 3 mins before darting to her friends. Then ten minutes in she is bawling because the older girls were having a sleepover but The Devil Girls claimed she has head lice so she was left out. Five mins after that one of the ringleaders was back and my kid was elated to be graced with her disloyal bullying friend’s presence.

The Devil Girls’ dad yelled at my kid the other day and told her to get her “ass” out of his yard so I got a can of spray paint and put down a thick black line to demonstrate OUR yard from theirs. I told Spook, cross the line, he is within his rights to call you on it. However, if you’re on our side and he yells at you again, I AM calling the landlord and the cops because this is frickin’ ridiculous. REALLY! His eldest was held in the church office Sunday for saying “motherfucker” on the bus toward my kid. People like him are why those of us living in trailer parks are called trailer trash. I gave my kid a boundary, told her if she crosses the line I put down, then she is technically on his lawn and he can protest. Still, in her own yard he has the white trash audacity to start shit. Every single day this entire summer and there’s fuck all I can do about it. I turned his kid in for stealing the mail from my mailbox and called the cops and they all but patted her on the back and said it was ok and mom and dad nodded along.

So in addition to 8 and a half hours of brain bugs (and soon as I said the shop was dead then people started calling and coming in, ewww)…And my kid mouthing and saying she wants a better mom who lets her do whatever she wants and I ruined her life…Then R tells me he needs me at the shop the next two days and frankly, we need food so I can’t really say piss off so I am trapped…

I keep hearing how mentally imbalanced people can lead NORMAL productive lives as long as they take their meds, do therapy, and have a support system BUT THAT IS RUBBISH. I am on the precipice of a total nervous breakdown and people just want more and more from me, because hey, being broke means my mental issues don’t matter and I can ‘tough it out’.

Yet here I am, cringing when a kid or cat touches me because I have zero personal space and wanna scream and run and hide and my brain is on overload and that damned mosh pit in my brain of brain bugs is still rampaging,,,

I need a shower but I’ve got nothing left in me. Everything aches. My brain just wants to sleep forever. I was making headway, the Trintellix was helping, but the minute my anxiety level syrockets and people put me in a position that, yeah, sure, maybe I can muddle through…

But at what cost to the little progress my treatment has made psychiatrically? At what point am I entitled to say, “The price I pay psychologically simply isn’t worth losing months and months of progress in the treatment of my disorder> Oh, right, broke people don’t have the luxury and mentally disordered people don’t have the right.

AT WHAT COST????

I was on the mend and now I am falling back into the abyss but because I got my dates mixed up I am facing disconnection on my power bill (bad credit punishes you for life) which is more financial stress and R expects me to “be a good friend’ and suck it up to help him out even though my car has been fucked up for months and he’s not had a single ten minute jag to take it about and maybe discern the problem even if he’s made two dozen promises. Oh and that’s my fault too for not reminding him, but when I remind him, he gets irked.

I forget the gainfully employed and educated get to make those of us in a smaller sinking boat feel small, blown off, and less important yet totally indebted.

Since my fundraiser to get the roaches exterminated is going so poorly (thank you to who did donate/repost/share!)…I have no choice but to be R’s bitch, and the cost to me is immense and I may actually devolve.

At. What. Cost. When is sacrificing your mental well being and hard won progress an even trade to make sure your kid has food in her belly and a car to get her back and forth to schol cos the ass trash district won’t allow her to ride the bus since we don’t meet the state guidelines in distance for them to be reimbursed (by.2 tenths of a mile.)

How much of myself must I toss down the drain in the name of survival? Because if doing so results in me melting down and being able to offer my daughter nothing,,,

AT WHAT COST???

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