To The Brink

Once again…My kid and I are sick of living in a roach motel so even if you have it in your heart to skip a $5 mocha foamy hazelnut coffee-esqe six pumps no fat cuppa whatever to donate or simply SPREAD MY CAMPAIGN ON SOCIAL MEDIA…Please. And YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, every single person who has shivered at the sight of a bug inside someone’s home and been repulsed yet done nothing but pass judgement as opposed to trying to help with the problem…Yeah, those people. I know those people real well, they’re called family and friends. Too ready to judge, but unwilling to even throw a $4 bottle of boric acid my way.

Not that it works, I’ve been making pastes and traps and sprinkling the concoction, it’s like putting a Snoopy bandage on a chainsaw inflicted wound.

Oh, yes, I have my bitch on. Because after two and a half months of my kid being home and the last four days of birthday part(ies) misery and all her kids bickering and I ruined her life because the devil girls’ dad won’t let them play with her because I am monster…

Forgive me if my manners are out the window. I am two steps from signing into a rubber Ramada. My self esteem has tanked because if this roach motel is the best I can do for my kid, she probably deserves better than me. And it’s all about the damned money, not my inability to care for her or unwillingness to work to be rid of the problem. Always with the damned $$$$ and it’s NOT BLOODY FAIR to be judged as some sleazeball or lousy parent just because every cent you do have goes into feeding and clothing and sheltering and transporting the child to school.

For those who think only slobs who are dirty get bugs, think the fuck again. My sister, The Queen Of OCD Clean, still had to hire Orkin for their old house because old houses have cracks and crevices and bugs move in and eviction notices don’t work for them. So sick of the judgments and assumptions. Amazing people couldn’t wait to donate when it was for vet care for a sick pet. I love my animals and am eternally grateful to everyone who helped when they needed them.

But three days in and not a single donation when I am trying to provide a more fit home for my child?

People have some bizarre priorities.

And don’t get my over stressed panicky bitchiness wrong…I realize 99% of my friends are struggling same as me. What they (you) have that I don’t is that social networking thing. I loathe Facebook and just to start an account to beg for donations seems shadier than Zuckerberg himself. So I thought I’d reach out and say “Look, this problem is so bad they could deem me an unfit parent just for being broke” but…Two people have given an inkling they care even if by simply reposting or empathizing.

I guess I’m just that unlikeable, I don’t know. If unlikeable is a synonym for “frustrated, depressed, a nervous wreck, and pissy that the world is a vapid place of judgment and little empathy”…Yep.

I am the devil.

It will get better once she goes back to school and my anxiety lessens. The bugs will start to move out once it gets cold a few months from now, I can keep putting ineffective Snoopy bandages on and…

I never should have started the campaign, I knew it would just leave me more depressed and disillusioned. Like this glaring reminder that if I were more socially skilled, more of a social butterfly, I’d have people who cared and would share even a repost or whatever or hell, even a “I’m glad I’m not you, Morgue, that shit sucks”. Alas, I am just…me. No social skills, no job, nothing special going on…

WAIT! I know YOU! That’s the depressive self pity talking. Yeah, well, go to hell, self pity. I am in a lousy situation but I am a decent person 89.9% of the time and I try 110% for my kid all the time. So if being dealt a lousy hand in life means I’m a loser, then I know I am far from alone because outside of the 1 percenters…Most have their crosses to bear and it doesn’t make them bad people. Least they don’t have to share mental space with The Depressivce Self Pity Monster, though.

Jerk doesn’t even pay rent.

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