That Drunk-But-Not-Drunk Thing Called Hypomania

Sigh. Yesterday’s hypomania sort of became a stretch and after 5 days without a phone, I was kind of giddy to use the new phone and call my family. Not good. They assume mania means I am drunk. 30 years they’ve watched me cycle from depression to hypo to full blown mania and always…Niki must be drunk. FFS. Read a goddamn book or article on bipolar and LEARN something. If I had cancer, I bet they’d want to know what kind and what treatments and how to help. But because my illness is invisible and mental…Nope. I MUST be wasted.

Mania, hypo or full blown, mimic drunkeness so much it’s hard to discern and I get that. I just think 30 years of the patterns and episodes they would buy a vowel and get a clue. I hate being accused of something I’m not guilty of.

I get…a little too happy and friendly during some hypo episodes and I talk too fast and too much and maybe I called after ten-thirty which is inappropriate but…mania. Least it’s hypo and not full blown, otherwise I might be blowing bill money on internet shopping like I did with credit cards and catalogs back in the 90’s.

Today has been productive. I’d paid rent, internet, gone to Dollar Tree, and then to the school to fill out her paperwork by ten thirty. Also picked up my meds only to find out they failed to give me the Trintellix which means an extra trip for me and the car is having its fits again so…maybe tomorrow. I gotta take my kid to get her ears pierced, anyway, that is what she asked for from me for her birthday. (And she has other little things, but we’re all pretty broke and besides, three birthday days of activity, she should consider herself a very lucky child, but she doesn’t.) Ear piercing with this kid is gonna be an ordeal, she can’t commit to anything and of course, ear piercing comes with a little pain and maintenance and healing period…Oh, well. Gotta give her a chance to try it.

Still a little hypo today but I can feel it dwindling. The Bad Thoughts keep peeking behind the curtain, whispering their nasty little thoughts on how inept I am as a parent, what a failure at life I am, etc. I have to erect a brick wall with soundproofing to ignore them even while hypo and doing half okay. If it dwindles and I start heading toward splat…I can only hope it’s a brief depressive bout as opposed to the start of a long cycle. I can handle a couple of splat days. They suck, but I can deal. Long cycles suck out my soul and I lose my will to live. Not a fan.

But I guess I will go with the therapy party line about not creating a problem before there is a problem because worrying will just make it worse and possibly self fulfillng prophecy. Oh so much psychobabble and of so little use when the skeletons in the mental closet start rattling their chains and banging about.

On that note…I have to contend with a butt hurt child whose ‘friends’ ditched her to go play with the devil girls who, again, are banned from playing with my kid and of course, I am the devil and ruining her social life. Yep, all me. Not that she has shitty taste in friends. Not that they’re just poorly parented kids with no morals or loyalty. All me.

Pretty sure I kidnapped the Lindberg baby in a previous life and likely was on the grassy knoll, too. All before I ever existed. I ROCK.

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3 Responses to “That Drunk-But-Not-Drunk Thing Called Hypomania”

  1. I’m stopping Trintelix. I think it’s what was causing all my hypo. Pdoc had prescribed Vraylar to stop the hypo but that just made me a vegetable. Talked to her and am stopping both. I hope this is not the path you are on. ❤

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