Living Nightmare

I’m not some new agey type who puts much stock into the meaning of dreams. I don’t buy into it being some subconscious desire or fear being played out during sleep. I’ve watched gory movies and slept dreamlessly so I don’t believe fictional violence is a big factor.

Last night’s dreams, though, put me on red alert to just how tormented I am over my situation with my family, or at least, the fun pants grandparents who are making my life a living hell. I dreamed all night about being trapped at my mom’s with my kid and at every turn, my mom, my sister, my sister’s friends,they were all luring my kid to their side with all their happy fun pants ideas and even when I had a valid reason for saying no, it’s time for us to leave…they would put me in the position of being the bad guy telling my kid no happy fun pants time.

The dream was endlessly. Every time I thought it was over because I had confronted my mom about her usurping my parental authority and causing me stress…it would start up in a loop again, more situations where I was the bad guy wanting to take my kid home rather than cede to their demands or guilt trips.

Don’t think you gotta be a new agey dream believer type to grasp that this is a huge problem for me causing me great dismay and it’s seeping into my dreams, the ONE place I have found safe space during this last year long depression. When that one therapist told me my family is toxic and the only way to save myself was to limit contact, she was a fucking sage. Of course, I didn’t have the golden grandchild back then so they didn’t much care if it was months without seeing me, I was just dismissed as the rude antisocial bitch. Now I have Spook and by trying to protect myself and her from their brand of insanity and lack of character, I’m a monster whose mental illness is out of control.

Just because I don’t want to be in a situation that makes me physically ill from stress and reinforces the worst qualities they could instill in a child.

I just don’t know how much fight I have left in me. Spook’s been gone 3 days now and not so much as a call from dad’s. You’d think a child 15 miles out of town from her mom would want to talk to mom for a minute or two. Not my kid. Ply her with ice cream, other kids, Spongebob, and buy her stuff and she’ll forget you exist, only happy fun pants people are there. It hurts. I’m not helicopter clingy mom, either, I am glad she’s not whiny britches who can’t be away for a day. I just wish she had enough of a connection to me to miss me enough for a two minute phone call. Of course, she claims they won’t let her use the phone and scream at her when she says she misses me. I don’t doubt stepmom does do that. And I know EVERY time I call, dad never puts Spook on the phone cos she is busy with friends or playing outside or my idget brother took her to the gas staton to buy ten dollars worth of junk food thus ensuring he’s happy fun pants and I am persona non grata.

I keep wondering why I am so offended by my family’s behavior. Nothing new. Guess it’s because they’re sucking my kid into their vortex and she already has enough traits that are…well, qualities of a shitty person, I’ll spare the lecture on how sociopathy can’t be diagnosed in children. But she has no conscience or empathy and has suddenly started thinking reading and books are dumn ‘because grandma and grandpa don’t read” and…I’m not a lunatic for wanting to limit her exposure to these people. Am I? Not that I am a great example but I am her mother, biologically, legally, and in every other way. It should be my call and these people who supposedly love me just stomp all over me like I am so much fluff. Why, cos I have mood swings?

I try to look at it from every angle, see the shades of gray, factor in my mental state, brain bug irratinal anxiety to see if I am overreacting…

I don’t believe I am.

For now, it’s hunker down time, try to survive next week’s multiple birthday plans, and after that…Put ten padlocks on the door to keep them away from her. I have to regain her respect and that’s not gonna happen when these idiots keep telling her everything I say and do is wrong and their way is the only way. Because mom’s way is very different than dad’s way so the child is getting mixed signals and no wonder she acts out like a spoiled little monster. When we go weeks without contact with my family, she starts to straighten up, we get closer, we get along better…proof in the pudding and all that.

This would be so much easier if bipolar didn’t constantly make me question myself. And society’s stigma makes it no better. You know your thoughts can be distorted, you admit it, but people keep using it against you to the point you wonder if that time you got your wallet stolen, maybe you just gave it away and forgot it cos crazy people do that and don’t want to take responsibility…

A therapist might serve as a sounding board but unless they moonlight as hitmen…Not gonna help my situation. Hunker down time. I survived 17 years under the same roof as those loons, I’ll be damned if they’re gonna take me down when I live on my own and count on them for nothing. They’re using a child as a weapon and it’s just one more reason I find them despicable.

I just want to teach her to be a good person. They just want her to think they are the better people. Whose motives are less disgusting?

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