The Brain Bugs Have Returned

I find myself at a loss often to describe what generalized anxiety disorder is like. Best comparison I’ve found is…brain bugs. Yes. Not technical, not pretty, but if you’ve ever been outdoors on a summer night or on a picnic and felt several bugs crawling in your hair or on your skin…THAT. Only it’s inside your brain and not actually on your skin. The bugs are not real, they just feel…so…damned…real.

I had a brief respite because my kid went to live in the sticks for a few days with my dad and his crew yesterday. Amazing how much calmer I am without the life of another human being solely in my hands. But I didn’t escape the kids. R and I saw out in the yard and the kids still came around even when I sent them away. And I interceded at one point because this girl Abigail was being bullied and I really like her. She’s the tween who had supper with Spook one night and saw me getting flustered and actually asked, “Is this too much for you?” I got a soft spot for the nice ones, they are few and far between. As proven by Spook’s brand new bike being ripped off during a brief but mega vicious thunderstorm last week. OF COURSE,DAD, I should have totally gone out into the middle of driving rain and huge bolts of lightning to secure an 80 dollar metal bike. Silly me, thinking even shitty trailer park parents would keep their offspring inside during a driving rain and lightning storm. I suck.

Anyway…I kicked ass yesterday while the spawn was at church. I did laundry, folded 8 baskets, did dishes, cleaned all the cat boxes, swept, mopped, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom…And then I took my meds right before she got home and by the time she was back…I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Because that’s what happens when I take them together. But if I space them out, I forget one or two of them and all the levels go FUBAR so wtf. And once the sleepiness passed, I got a killer migraine from the bright sunlight so when dad came to fetch her, recrimination rang out in his voice because I looked like I’d been asleep while my kid was down the street playing. Sorry if bright sunlight makes me look disturbed. Migriane didn’t help much either.

Today, because for fucks’ sake, I was still in debt to R, I had to go to the shop Which of course meant I woke at 5 a.m. and couldn’t nod back off so I took a Xanax then dropped out an hour before the alarm and then kept waking every 5 minutes because I was scared of oversleeping and having the texting chihuahua on my ankles. It disturbed me so much, I got up and even got there 15 minutes before I’d promised. Faking joy, of course, because depressed people aren’t allowed. And ya know, I can fake the smiley face or at least amiable silence.

What I cannot ever seem to do is fake my way beyond the brain bug anxiety. It set in after 2 hours and I was itchy and twitchy and my mind was OCD about ‘let me out of here, i need my safe space, please, mercy, uncle, please stop torturing me!” And R doesn’t understand anyone’s anxiety but his own so he was just puttering along while I’m all whip cracking to focus so I can do what I need to do and abscond…While the brain bugs gnaw away at my brain and central nervous system. And while coming home did calm me some…I went back out and found myself in the bright florescent store light, feeling the brain bugs return, making me all itchy and twitchy again. As if the accidentally pink hair doesn’t draw enough attention (never ever accidentally bleach black hair platinumm and apply red dye unless pink is your goal, no no no)…Being all twitchy and looking paranoid like someone about to rob the store cos you need to escape just makes you even more noticeable.

Now I am home and in for the night and it’s not a thousand degrees outside so it’s not a sauna inside and I can just breathe. For now. When I start thinking about my dad being so snotty about me saying I want my kid home by Wednesday evening for her church group and him saying “we’ll see’…My anger issues start bubbling. Because she’s my kid and my word should be law but he and my mother have to usurp me then wonder why I loathe them both. And with her birthday the week of August 7th and everyone having all different plans for her…My anger issues aren’t gonna go away any time soon.

Fortunately, I have the start of school mid August and return to a schedule that cannot be disrupted by grandma and grandpa fun pants because even they’d be held accountable for putting their fun ideas over her schooling…I will cling to that. Yeah, the school clothes and all that is stressful and all the starting activities will make the brain bugs start crawling but…it will also mean I survived another summer with brain bugs, incompetent meds, and a yammering ungrateful spawn…

That is no small thing. She breaks R down, and he’s a narcissist, he should be able to take on the most loud annoying child on the planet. Mine breaks him.

I am so kick ass.

Now I’m gonna go pet the brain bugs. Hey, I said I’m kick ass and I survived my kid all summer. Never said a word about ‘with sanity in tact’.

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