Losing My Cool

Yeah, I am losing my cool and only a fraction has to do with the 93 degree heat which isn’t much helped by a single window AC. I am at my wits’ end with my kid and all her friend drama and noise. She can’t play with more than one or two kids at a time so any time 5 or 6 kids are playing, inevitably there are fights and my kid bawling. The latest drama involved one of the older girls saying she is going to kick MY ‘big fat butt’ then a father getting involved and yelling at my kid because she dared protest his snowflakes throwing trash in our yard.

Now my sister tells me mom wants to gift Spook with a tablet as a birthday gift. AFTER SHE BROKE MY TABLET. What does that teach the child? That everything is disposable,you don’t have to be careful or take care of things, and you can always get another. And I told my sister that much, which I am sure has steam coming out of my mom’s ears. Whatever. I’ve come to terms with the fact my mother is never going to change and she will do whatever she wants, no matter what I say, and she’ll do it to spite me. She thinks I am too strict a parent and can’t wait to usurp me at every turn. I’ve actually found a bit of peace because mom can buy her the tablet but I get to dictate what it can be used for, when, and for how long. Crazy grandma may think she’s usurping me,but it’s actually giving me the upper hand. When the kid misbehaves, mommy repos the tablet.

I must sound like an ogre. Too bad. The child has zero empathy, refuses any responsibility, and if I don’t start driving it into her skull now, she is going to be a terrifying monster by the time she is 13. I’m not here to be her friend or be liked, my job is keep her fed, clothed, healthy, educated and to teach her right from wrong. If my family isn’t on board, they will be seeing less and less of her. MY child, MY call.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. My last post was a pretty upbeat one but nature of cyclothymia-esque bipolar is pretty much neverending ups and downs. And day three in the extreme heat with my kid and her friends driving my central nervous system to overload…Yeah, it’s not puppies and rainbow territory. I can tell myself “I am happy, I am calm, I am healthy” a zillion times but what I WANT to be and what I actually am are two different things. Positive attitude is an excellent coping tool until you use it as a form of denial thus invalidating your right to feel depressed or pissed off or whatever emotion at the time prevails. So be positive, but don’t be an ostrich. Sand tastes awful, anyway.

I did my high-ish functioning yesterday by going to the shop to tear apart and destroy 2 junked LCD tv’s for R. I did owe him money and honestly, taking a hammer and smashing things and stomping on them..Cathartic, therapeutic, and no criminal charges. But as usual, by hour three, my nerves were deep fried and I could not wait to get home to my safe little hovel. Plus side, while we were there, Spook didn’t spew pea soup and she was moderately helpful when I asked her to throw some screws or whatever into the trash.

Most likely it’s the excessive heat and not the Trintellix actually working (made my stomach upset this morning, but it didn’t yesterday, kinda random) but…I am no longer buried in my safe bedroom crypt all day and night. I am in the living room where the air conditioner is, for all the good it does. Living in a tin box in high temps and high humidity with minimal air is pretty miserable all around and Mr. Forecastperson says we have 4 more days of this misery. Yay. NOT. But now I am in the living room, watching shows on the TV via computer vga hook up and also using my second non smashed screen laptop when I want to write or whatever. I’ve emerged from my coffin, as Spook calls my bedroom. Sorry but bright light disorients me so I do try to keep my rooms dark or dark-ish. Whatever tiny comforts can be found have to be embraced.

Now I am going to stop because I am afraid my sweaty legs are going to damage the computer and frankly, I can’t stand anything on me in this heat. Spook came home in 95 degree heat and even then, I put her in her bouncer and adored her that way. Can’t stand extra touching when it’s so hot and humid indoors I have cat hair clinging to every inch of bare skin.

You’re welcome for that mental picture.

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7 Responses to “Losing My Cool”

  1. how old are these “older girls?” Because if they’re old enough to kick your butt, especially after the parents of said would-be attacker are made aware of the threat to your person, they’re old enough to be politely instructed to “fuck off, or I’m calling the police to help you leave, bitch.” How would that go over with the dear, sweet child’s mum and dad?

    • LOL. She’s 12. Mature person I am, I told her to kiss my big fat butt. Old enough to throw insults, old enough to be put in your place. I swear these kids are being raised by wolves except even wolves would churn out better behaved offspring.

      On Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 3:05 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  2. ohh and I forgot to say anything about your sexy, sweaty, cat-hairy gorgeous gams! Speaking of hot: Hot Damn!!

    • Um…I’m gonna take that as flattery and not some sign that you’re into that fur animal costume wearing plushie fetish thing…;)

      On Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 3:07 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • ew, no, no fetish. I grew up with tons of cats (bleah) so literally nothing they can do really surprises or phases meme. claws, teeth, puke, poop, spray, blood, dead animals, half dead animals, live animals brought in as toys, hair, shedding, mites, fleas, ticks, used cars, opossums pretending to be cats, raccoons, various causes of death, nothing.

      • what the hell? wanna dress up furry? fine, but hot pics or it didn’t happen.

  3. Though I am trying to be positive don’t worry I am just as miserable as you most of the time, The thing is that currently I am hypomanic. I feel up and happy at the moment.

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