Blood Work And Lithium

I finally ripped off the bandage, so to speak, and went to get my blood drawn for a lithium level. Ironic I ended up with a literal bandage after ripping off the metaphoric one. Or is it moronic? The process itself isn’t the big deal, I don’t fear needles or blood, it doesn’t take long, not too invasive…

What gives me the anxiety and dread and headaches is everything leading up to the blood draw. I’ve barely been able to breathe this last week, making sure I take my lithium like clockwork so the levels will be even. Waiting until I had a day child free so I could get it done quickly (taking my kid anywhere is hellish, really.) I sweated the remembering to fast for 12 hours and had to take a melatonin last night to ensure I just slept and didn’t slip up and take a bite of food. I woke four times during the night. At 5 a.m. I was so wound not even Xanax got me back to sleep so I stayed up and watched some Bones. By 7 a.m., I got sleepy and actually nodded off three times between 7 and 8, making sure I woke Spook for church prep. And as usual, empty stomach, shitty sleep, waking so early…I don’t need a crystal ball to know my day is going to be shit.

Getting all the way to the hospital for the lab work was daunting. My car is fucked, if I drive over 35 the whole thing sputters and shakes like it’s gonna drop in the road. Of course, I’m playing Scrooge over every gas fume so I’m pretty resentful having to waste the has to go all the way out there. And I didn’t even have 90 cents to my name to grab a fountain soda as some sort of ‘you got it done, yay you reward’.

I’m not whining, mind you. But this is the reality of what getting a lithium blood draw is for me and it’s very, very stressful. Why would I want to do this? And fact is, I only asked to go back on lithium because the monthly menstrual dysphoria had gotten so bad and last year I did the child support court thing and couldn’t afford a meltdown. The lithium isn’t doing a damned thing to help with the menstrual dysphoria. It does cause me nausea, make me fatter, and strip me of a libido. Does this sound like a good relationship? A medication should do more good than harm.

Maybe the day won’t be bad, maybe it will. My kid is sucking so much life out of me with her mood swings and acting out, I probably don’t have much life left in me to be sucked out by anything else. Love her, but damn, this kid is work.The pathological lying phase has me so worried that I’m turning out a Manson girl…And everyone is all, all kids lie, she’s little, she’s so cute…Bullshit. She goes to church twice a week, she knows lying is wrong, and she just keeps lying to me daily. Throw the daily paranoia and terror of every head scratch meaning lice into the mix…

All the lithium shit is the last thing I need to be dealing with and honestly, I think Dr. B would have been able to see that. Even if he had gone like Nurse Dr and kept me on it for fear of my instability, he would have discussed it with me, not while typing on a computer or asking rote questions. I have my family invalidating me at every turn, to end up with a mental healthcare provider that makes me feel just as shitty…This is not healthy for me at all.

So I guess I can act on the assumption that my discontent with the nurse doctor isn’t a whim or mood swing and it’s not a petty concern. I was kind of hoping it was. I hate to be hurtful to her, she really is nice and everyone has to be the new kid and that’s gotta suck for her…Plus, it occurred to me that maybe Dr. B was fed up with my lack of progress and shunted me off his agenda. Or he just doesn’t consider my situation that serious. Funny, it’s serious to me.

But anyway…Kudos to the doctor nurse for being thorough and wanting to check my levels and functions but she’s not rocking the ‘do no harm’ thing. Sorry, not to be hurtful, fact is fact.

Shame they can’t tweak lithium for all the bad side effects. It is a pretty good medication but if it’s not even helping with the condition I need the most help with…Parting of ways seems the way to go.

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