Brain Worm

Everyone knows what an ear worm is, I get those, especially songs I can’t stand.

What I live with, daily,are brain worms. I’m not talking some hallucination that I have worms living in my brain. It’s just sometimes, my brain gets a thought trapped in it, and it plays in an endless loop, thus setting off my mood and anxiety. And the more I try to make the loop stop playing, the worse it gets.

What I have had to learn to do with this perpetual brain worm condition is…WAIT. Yep, hardest thing for me, I have zero patience, but the only way to be sure the brain worm is a legit emotion and not artifact from bipolar or menstrual dysphoria…is to simply wait. A day, a week, a month. If it’s still bothering me once I’ve had time to let the hormones rage or the bipolar symptoms riot…

Then I know its a problem for me, not just a mood swing or some petty personality issue. And it’s a beautiful system, really, I have learned a lot about myself, and my disorders, by waiting out these brain worms. Learning that what set you off on Monday is barely a blip by Thursday gives you perspective. It also lets you know you can’t exactly trust how you’re feeling all the time.

And this is our Achilles’ Heel with the professionals, family, friends, etc. They know they can use our disorders and brain worm reactions against us. It’s grueling to go through life feeling constantly invalidated, even by yourself.

So I am gonna give my current brain worm some time to have its tantrum, then in a couple of weeks I will see if it’s a big deal still.

And if you’re wondering, the brain worm is about being basically dumped onto the nurse practitioner and robbed of my doctor. I don’t like her methods, she spends all her time writing. He didn’t. he listened. His staff didn’t harass over bloodwork. When I told him I didn’t have gas money to get it done til Xday, he didn’t nag. When meds gave me a problem that alarmed me, he would call me personally and tell me I didn’t have to take it if the side effects were that bad for me.

Not Dr Nurse. She’s so new and determined to go by the book she and her staff are obsessed with the blood work. And that’s fine, let’s see if this toxic stuff has destroyed my organs, but I flat out told her I won’t go above my current 900 on lithium. I’ve let the doctors talk me into it three times and all three times my level went toxic.m Dr B. knew that and never pushed it.

It’s not as if I don’t like Dr Nurse. She’s very pleasant, she’s been there forever. But when I am pouring out my guts and all you can do is make notes on the computer and ask pat questions from a standardized form…It’s not working for me. No connection, no trust.

I WANT MY DR BACK.

Nearly ten years finding a doctor I truly trusted since Dr M and with one call of “Do you mind seeing the nurse practitioner?”…My world was blown up. They did not say it would be a continual thing, there was no warning or explanation. I only agreed because I knew how understaffed and overbooked they were. And trying to be understanding and nice got me…

Worse than nothing because now Dr Nurse has given me a brain worm and I LIKE HER, DAMN IT, but I don’t connect with her style of treatment and I want Dr B back in my corner. How do you I tell her that without it being offensive, though? Or making myself look like a whiny wacko?

I feel doomed, locked in, silenced, and it’s making all my symptoms worse. And I just gotta wonder what kind of mental health care place puts a patient in that position.

For now…the brain worm gets to wriggle and fester about my decaying wasteland of a mind. Come next appointment and I still feel this way…I’m gonna speak up. I think.

But then that can lead to the worst word someone on disability can have a doctor throw at them: non compliant.

Trapped like a rat in a maze. No wonder I don’t feel a bit different with the Trintellix going on a week now. My psych care situation has me stressed, my family has me stress, and I have to visit the toilet every ten minutes because this new medication gives cramps and runs but the dr nurse doesn’t have to live with it so…

Sorry for the rant and graphic grossness but…Brain worms may as well be tumors.

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One Response to “Brain Worm”

  1. Damn it, worms, leave her delicious brains alone for when I become a zombie in the apocalypse; me and Bex can thumb-wrestle for it, if we still have thumbs. (I once wanted to leg-wrestle a certain other blogger to see who came out on top… But all she offered me were whiskey shots, as a better alternative to champagne, from her belly-button and her lips, and I’d have gone for those shots, Mrs M notwithstanding, but she left me/us before I had a chance to indulge. 😥 Yours is the first and only brain I’ve coveted in the event of a zombie apocalypse) Or, worms, if you have to swim around that beautiful head of hers, instead of things to be worried about that she’s already aware of, remind her I love her and she’s beautiful-amazing-delicious-and-sometimes-sweet (acrostic, baby!). ❤ 🙂 Otherwise, shut the fuck up and leave her alone!!

    I'm sorry Dr Nurse sucks by comparison to your earlier, more seasoned Doctor. Seasoned? HEY, Stop that!! I think maybe you just wanted to see if he tasted good! 😮 I need a well-seasoned Doctor who'll just know to send the scripts without making me copay copay drive over wait hate anxiety what day is the appointment and what time?! Mrs M tried to drive me to the first appt, and she couldn't find the new office, did I mention change? sucks?

    I once had a lady doctor and now at the same practice I have a guy, Although she's far more attractive to me, I felt the exact same anxiety for her as I do for him. I once knew a red-headed therapist I'd have nibbled if invited, whether dipped in chocolate sauce OR garlic butter or liquor…mmm ! Sorry, Mrs M., I didn't know you back then!

    Dog got a haircut, and I want to know how the fuck they did that. He hates our brushes, combs, and clippers, ffs, what's the difference? He let the groomer shave him almost bald. I bet she charmed him with doggy drugs!

    I hope your brainworms from now on do as they're told.

    I love you, pretty Miss N.

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