Struggling

I could just be super sensitive and whiny because I am on day 5 of PMS with spine crushing cramps but…I swear if I have to be ASSAULTED one more time by some shiny happy people post about mindfulness or visualization or ‘make it happen, stop being a victim’…I AM gonna start removing spleens with a rusty spork.

And what’s worse than the true believers of this sunshine spewage are the ones who spew it, almost with a question mark tone, as if they want to believe it, need to, but aren’t sure if they do.

Guess what? Life just often sucks.

My meds aren’t working. Lithium is destroying my self esteem and life. My mother, who leaves her bedroom twice a month, has lost 40 pounds sitting on her ass just drinking Kool Aid with artificial sweetener. Meanwhile, I drink nothing but water and run around after a 7 year banshee 24-7 and I just gain weight. Fuck you, lithium. I want off the stuff. I can’t even remember the last time I had a sexual thought that wasn’t wishful thinking or forced. I’m far from mania so I just want lithim gone, lamictal’s got the mania part under control.

As for anti depressants, I don’t have a clue. My tried and true has failed me. My Wellbutrin mixed with the others makes me nod off if I take it any time other than bedtime and half the time, by then, I am so drained from the spawn and her posse, I forget to take it.

I AM STRUGGLING.

And yes, it’s making me bitter and I wanna smash everyone else down like a bug if they are doing well and have found something, no matter how idiotic I find it, that helps them…Because I am petty that way. Depression is a selfish, petty, vindictive bitch of a disorder that turns otherwise decent humans into venom spewing monsters who want to set rainbows on fire and clip the wings off a pegasus and shoot ricin laced arrows at adorable cherubic cupids.

Life is ugly.

But even when I am not hormonal and off in the abyss…I still find all this pom pom waving positive attitude stuff like an assault against my senses. We tag things for having swear words or self injury triggers, so why the hell can’t people just tag their sunshine spewage so I know to avoid it? It TRIGGERS me. I become hostile because I have tried it all and NONE of it works for me and it’s not that I am simply negative or unwilling to change. I am an individual and one size does not fit all. So when repeatedly assaulted by all the pom pom waving and reminded how it does not work for me so I must be a freak…

It adds to the depression. Which isn’t helpful. And since things aren’t tagged with shiny happy labels, I never know what I am walking into when I click until after the damage is done.

I know, what kind of awful human being finds positive thinking a bad thing? Hmmm. The person who spent 20 years trying to positive think her way out of therapy, shrinks, meds, bad marriages, horrid family members, constant financial strife…only to NEVER HAVE IT IMPROVE, EVER. So yeah, I like ‘cautious optimism’. I like expecting the worst and from time to time being surprised when I turn out to be wrong and there are good things and good people out there.

One size doesn’t fit all yet if you’re not a positive thinker, the world wants you to feel bad. As if positive thinking is the only size and any other size, like cautious optimism, is abhorrent. What I find abhorrent is a world that wants us all to be cookie cutter people.

So to be clear…Apologies if I offended any sunshine spewers, take what works for you and I wish you well. Just realize it cuts both ways and if your sunshine spewing makes me feel more depressed…maybe I’ll just stick to what works for me even if you consider it gloomy.

Also…Talk to me in about 6 days when I am likely to be back in my non hormonal mind. I’m really a bitch beast this month. Physical pain makes me meaner than usual.

3 Responses to “Struggling”

  1. Whoa! This was such a pretty interesting read. I’ve never heard someone be so honest about their depression. Strangely, I like it!

  2. Migraines From Hell Says:

    I was on lithium for a short period of time to try to lift me out of a long depressive episode. I’m already on lamictal and I agree….I think it does the job perfectly well. The lithium did nothing except make me worry I was never drinking enough water and additional labs. It was also making me unsteady!!!! I hear you on the AD. My doc finally raised mine cautiously and it’s making a difference.

  3. I just got a new anti-depressant called Trintellex . It’s working pretty well.

    I’m sorry about the bad case of depression right now. I’m always here if you need me.

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