Anxiety Induced Paranoia

Two days now I have been battling bouts of panxiety Which in my world us an actual thing. It’s the place where anxiety mixes with paranoia and bad thoughts set in. Yesterday I saw my landlord in the trailer court. My first thought is, “Oh, God, is he here to tell me my yard’s messy, blah blah blah”…I try to point out, my rent is paid, my utilities haven’t been turned off, my yard is mowed, my trash is not piled up, there is NO reason to think he has a problem with me.

Panxiety gives zero fucks.

On the way to pick my daughter up from school, the car seemed to sputter a bit and suddenly I got terrified that it’s about to keel over. I tried logic, again. It’s probably just water in the gas, you can get some fuel treatment, it will be fine”. On the way back, it didn’t do the sputtering thing.

My kid was playing outside with seven other kids and one kid’s mom was out there and she was so loud, I swore she was yelling at the kids. Spook says the mom accused her of making fun of her kid and threatened to “do something” bad to her. Now not having heard this, and knowing my kid is in the pathological lying phase of childhood…I’m not sure how much stock I put into it. But this woman was just so loud and overbearing, it set my panxiety off even more.

The one good thing from the panxiety, after a second dose of Xanax, was that I was going nuts with the anxiety and spinning thoughts so I got up and decided doing dishes would distract me. Then I cleaned the kitchen floor, the bathroom, I put more laundry in the wash, cleaned an old fan from the shed, even cleaned the mirrors and windows. All the while feeling like the 14 year old girl who went to school and lived in terror of being confronted by bullies. I just got it in my head this mom was going to come knock on my door or something. Panxiety.

Then my kid let a boy ride her new bike but he took off on it around the entire park and refused to give it back to her. I had to hunt him down and tell him to give it back. He defended himself by saying she said he could ride it. I said, you don’t run off with someone’s back when they tell you they want it back. I may have used a firmer tone than necessary, not yelling, just PMS-y. So then I waited for his angry parents to come knock on the door to bitch me out…

At 8 p.m. my dad called to say they were coming to town with that mattress and box spring their neighbor gave them and I was in desperate need of new-ish so I couldn’t complain when it was free and they were transporting it. But being put on the spot sent me into panxiety because I had to get my old mattress and boxspring out, which I managed. Then I saw the mess under the bed so I went to vacuum it and BAM. Sweeper just quit, I hit something, probably a damned lego or something. One more thing I gotta fix or hope I can fix. Then I got all paranoid about them coming inside because my stepmonster either says the house smells like cat pee or she doesn’t like the scented wax melts I burn cos they irritate her allergies and…Just didn’t want to hear it. Fortunately, I am “burly” (my first husband described me that way, he thought it was a compliment) but I got the box spring and mattress inside without their help.

Was a little irked they went to my sister’s first to take her stuff because showing up at 8:15 knowing my kid’s bedtime is 8:30 and my sister doesn’t have a little kid to put to bed but hey…free stuff, free delivery, shuddup, Morgue.

Slept ok, didn’t wake up in spinal agony thanks to a bouncy mattress without springs protruding. YAY.

Today the panxiety has manifested because tonight is my kid’s school carnival and crowds don’t help my issues. Four hours my stomach acid has been churning (in addition to hella cramps) and I have another four hours before the shindig starts. The professionals preach about avoidance behavior and immersion therapy but what SANE person would enjoy situations where anxiety manifests as paranoia and burning stomach aches???

I will go, I will survive. (Gloria Gaynor, anyone?)

I just wish my brain would stop sending me signals that bad things are going to happen. It’s very convincing. I know it lies but knowing that doesn’t make the physical symptoms and fear go away.

So, yeah. Panxiety is a thing. The Dufas Statistical Moron (DSM) manual really needs to add this as a legit condition. It’s a hell all it’s own.

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