Brave Face Faked

My kid’s school is having some Leadership thing today. I wasn’t going to go because crowds, eww, and plus at first she said she didn’t want me there. Then she said she did. I feel better today than I did yesterday (sunshine really makes a difference and yet it hurts my eyeballs, go figure.)

I bothered to put on half decent clothes, do my hair, toss on some make up and earrings. Still, I feel like a giant fat embarrassing-to-my-kid blob. And that shouldn’t matter, it’s probably my weight issue and the pms making me bloated but…Fact is, my kid is pretty shallow and concerned with what others think and being popular so I do worry that my presence will just make her upset. Yet my absence could, as well.

Making this more difficult is next week’s school carnival, which every year results in me overheating in their crowded halls and anxiety attacks that render me with flu like symptoms. Two outings in under 7 days? This is ballsy. This is brave. This is me faking it.

I need to leave in 15 minutes and I have no idea what to expect when I get there except the packed gym and hallways. It’s unnerving. But at least on this day, I have the strength to sack up and fake it for her sake.

Maybe later I meltdown, maybe not. But I got 12 pages written this morning, still pushing those boulders and double spacing to increase page count but…I am NOT hitting the wall after only 6 weeks in the writing zone. NOPE. Rather churn out drivel than let myself be cursor blocked by the bullshit my own body, mind, and the world throw at me.

I will be earning my spork of fortitude today. I just hope my kid appreciates it rather than having one of her epic mood swings and accusing me of coming when she said not to. She rewrites history that way, it’s pretty brutal for me.

I’m gonna fake it til I make it and if her mood has changed or I do embarrass her for whatever reason cos her friends don’t like my eye color or the sound of my breathing or whatever idiotic thing kids pick on…Sucks to be her. I’m the present parent. It’s all I’ve got going for me right now.

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3 Responses to “Brave Face Faked”

  1. Good for you for being present in your daughter’s life. I hope things turn out well for you.

  2. You rock, you’re awesome, I love you, you and your daughter in spite of my self, in spite of everyone I still keep going. Sporks of fortitude indeed. And you’re beautiful even when you think your mirror tells you otherwise. YES. BEAUTIFUL. I’ve seen pictures. I John 3:20, I need it sometimes for me, says, “Even when our own hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and knows all things.” I don’t know all things, but I know your heart is beautiful and so is the rest of you. As the Grateful Dead (wait, is that a zombie apocalypse reference?) said, “Keep truckin’.”~DM

  3. Good for you Morgue. The best anyone can do is to try. For us it is harder but you surely earn your Spork of Fortitude today!

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