Depression Is Influenza Of The Mind

I am down the rabbit hole today, courtesy of PMS, cramps, depression, sinus drainage, and oh, the weather went from dry and sunny to wet and gray but at least I am not freezing. Just seemed like I got my feet under me for a couple of days and now back to square one. I knew it was shifting yesterday even before the weather changed because I didn’t even attempt to proofread or write until after my kid was home from school. That lackluster will to do even what I enjoy usually means splat is coming. And going all shiny happy people to avoid ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ is useless. Depression and splat happen.

Just like the flu. And it’s temporary, it can be mild or extreme, last 24 hours or several days. It’s rarely fatal. But you know when you’re not up to snuff, when you can’t get far from a bathroom due to puking or whatnot. You ache, you sweat, you shiver. No one thinks twice about it, because the flu is NORMAL.

Yet depression is this big confusing theory the masses can’t grasp. It all boils down to them thinking you can snap out of it, shake it off, CHOOSE to feel differently, to feel happy or calm or whatever.

I wish. Just like when I have the flu and am married to the toilet because I can’t ‘positive think’ my body from expelling the usual influenza nastiness, I wish to fuck I could make myself not feel nausea or have stomach cramps or chills or whatever.

Fortunately, I am intelligent enough to know that the flu doesn’t work that way and neither does depression.

And making it all worse is PMS/menstrual dysphoria, I am in pain and moody and everything my kid does seems like an assault against all my senses. She’s become a pathological liar, no drama, she just lies and even when caught lying, she lies some more. She is in a hurry to get everywhere and twice in two days has nearly broken a bone because she won’t slow down. And because of my mental state, I can’t even feel empathy for her. I am wired that way, to not feel empathy for people who just keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and never learning from it. Throw in her total defiance and disrespect…I am struggling. I told her last night about my sister’s friend who has a 9 year old they just locked in a children’s psych facility because not the mom, stepdad, teachers, counselors, no one could control him from being defiant and physically abusive. So the powers that be come in and they take kids from loving parents if the kids don’t behave.

I may as well talk to a brick wall. She says the I love you mommy’s, she says she is sorry, she is going to change the behavior…but it never happens and it’s shades of the donor all over again.

The other day I caught her in a lie and suddenly she says it’s because she is being bullied and she thinks she needs a counselor now. Last week I suggested we go to counseling because obviously she is mistreating me for a reason and we need to talk about it and fix it. She hated the idea, said it was her friends making her do bad things.

I am at wits’ end. I am not, at this time, strong enough for this shit. And I am terrified to take her to a counselor, anyway because last time, the child psych said it was all my fault, my kid was picking up on my depression, my anxiety, I was causing her to feel unsafe and unloved…I am NOT going back to hear that bullshit again. My kid may pick up on my issues but blaming me for a disorder I can’t control when my child does fine at school and church therefore she CAN choose to control her behavior…That psychologist deserves a lawsuit for what is borderline malpractice. Instead of helping, at all, she just made me hate therapists even more and I already had that covered from the last one I had breaking privilege.

I feel trapped. And once the hormones die down, I will read this post and roll my eyes and think, “Wow, I am whiney little wimp, geesh.”

But the depression will still be there and maybe I’ll feel good a day or two or three. But much like flu recurring, I will go right back down this rabbit hole again. Instead of people bringing me soup and encouraging me to get some rest…I will just get the ‘snap out of it’ spiel all over again.

I’m not sure any med combo is going to make me feel better anymore. Fact is, people are just stupid for the most part. You can be rocket scientist smart, but if you choose to castigate mental disorders, you are stupid. And it’s Trumpnation now where stupidity and hate and being evil are embraced as long as you’re rich, not female, not gay…

Not big on religion but for once in my life I keep looking heavenward and hoping it’s all for real. I want God to smite Trump and all his followers and anyone else who is a cruel human being. I want bad people to be punished as the so called ‘Bible” threatens.

We all know it isn’t going to happen, though. Is the Bible fake? Or was the notion of punishing the corrupt tossed in as wishful thinking? I’m not a great person but after recent political events…I could pretty much eat the souls of newborns and still be less putrid than those in power in this country.

It’s enough to give you the fatal mental and physical flu just to escape it.

Tune in a few days from now when I am chirping about cute kittens and how pretty my rose bush looks out in the yard. Today…I dislike everything about everything.

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One Response to “Depression Is Influenza Of The Mind”

  1. ACHOO!!! Aww, FUCK!!!!! I joke but humor may be the evidence that I’m depressed and trying hard to hide it.

    Haven’t you heard, God is out of the smiting business? I think people are confused- I’ve recently heard from [insert religious group that believes they know God better than anyone else] that He hates everyone but [insert above religious group] and hates me for caring about [insert group(s) they don’t like], and from others, that he loves me, loves everyone, love, love, love. [insert religious group above] probably thinks they can ask God to smite the unbeliever, or believes they should smite them in God’s service, so they don’t really need God. They just need to be smitten.

    I’ll wait to see your flying-unicorns-puking-rainbows-onto-fluffy-kitties-in-rosebushes posts, because sometimes shit ought to be balanced out with something good. It seems only fair.

    The souls of newborns are too sweet; they’re not old enough to balance with the bitterness of life. And the souls of rich people who don’t give a shit about others…oh, wait, they have no souls.

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