Sometimes It’s You, But Today It’s Me

Yesterday’s meltdown over the cat v computer glitch should have clued me in. I am only ever that irate during a panic attack OR…PMS. During the night my kid woke up from a bad dream and wanted to get in my bed but I’d already spent three hours avoiding crushing a cat in bed so I was at a loss how to get them to stay off the bed to make room for her. And she’s been sleeping in her bed most of the time all night so it was deviation and we all know that brings out the worst in Morgue. But I finally relocated the cats (for all the good it does, 3 years ago Spook’s brat devil girl friends broke the door from my room to the bathroom off so there’s just a curtain and gap under the bathroom door they can squish under, total invasion)…And then I was awake, agitated and anticipating how interminably long it was going to take for me to get back to sleep. And my kid just wanted to complain that my background shows were making her scared (GET OUT OF MY ROOM AT 3 A.M., THIS IS MY QUIET TIME AND I WANT TO LISTEN TO SCARY SHOWS BECAUSE THE NARRATOR’S VOICES SOOTHE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(I am run on sentence ranty queen today, woo hoo.) So I was awake and the kittens were crying and I took a Xanax even though I knew it’d make getting up early even harder. (Weird thing there, now that it gets light out earlier, I am actually waking before the alarm but I can’t seem to pry myself out of bed before 5 minutes til we have to leave.) I was still tossing and turning because it was so humid and the clock was nearing 5 a.m. and that just made me more pissed off and my scumbag brain ran laps on its hamster wheel at breakneck speed…And by the time the alarm went off…I was awake cos daylight does not make me sleep…But I stayed in bed just trying not to get pissed off that I was awake before I could even hit snooze the first time.

It improved after I got her to school. I came home, wrote a little, cleaned all the cat boxes and put in new litter, I vacuumed the living room, fixed myself a decent lunch, put out trash for pick up.

Sadly, our kitten Orion did not make it, he passed away this morning at 5 weeks old. I buried him and picked a fresh rose off my rose bush to place on his grave. I did my crying Saturday when I realized the meds weren’t working for him (don’t ask what chunk of my soul I had to sell to get cat meds) so today I teared up but didn’t break down. Sadly, his sibling Godsmack (the band, not blasphemy) is not faring well on the meds, either and there’s just nothing left to do but pray and hope.

I wrote a little more before I ran some errands and picked my kid up. I had to spend $19 on a fan so Spook’s room and mine could both have one so I now have $18 for two weeks for food and gas, YAY, life is wonderful. Ick. Then I get my kid and she starts yapping and I tell her something which two seconds later she basically regurgitates back at me as her own ‘news’ which means she wasn’t listening to a word I had said. And she started in with the demands of food and friends and why did I get the new fan first (because my room is in the sun and heats up worse than yours, the old one will be fine until the next check in two weeks). I was talking to her about her constant mouthing off and arguing with me even when I am telling her YES and it was like talking a brick fucking wall. I got so agitated. Oh and the homework hell in which I turn off all background noise but fans and she is still looking everywhere but the work and whining how boring it is and screaming at me like homework was my invention.

Suffice it to say…My irritation went way up. I am calming down now but every thing, infinitesimal or big, is infuriating me. I was cursing at my computer loudly and nastily because the video wouldn’t quit buffering. When I start going off this badly, this is straight up PMS. Soon the pain will arrive, then the event itself, and for four more days my mental state will be in flux. We are getting more gloom and rain, too this week so this should be real fun.

R stopped by last night and I realized…We have nothing common but talking broken parts that he wants ordered and drinking alcohol. He spent most of the time not talking, giving short answers if I tried to talk, and oh, playing Jelly Splash on his iphone. It was beyond awkward and annoying and I even let my kid stay up late yapping in hopes it would just make him leave. WHY DO YOU COME OVER IF YOU ARE JUST GONNA GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT AND PLAY ON YOUR PHONE????? I really would rather be alone. So I can see this friendship circling the drain and I swear it’s not my fault. But without conversation and with someone who for five years spends most of his “hanging out” time playing games on his phone…Just kind of over it. Not to mention how bitchy he is with my kid. That is my job, not his. I get it, she’s loud and relentless and annoying at times. Not his place to snap at her for being noisy in her own home.

But on the plus side yesterday, I did dishes, mowed the lawn, put through some laundry, cooked a decent meal for me and Spook. It’s just ups and downs and hormones and depressive overreactions. This is my life every damned month for ten to fourteen days and on top of bipolar depression and anxiety disorder..Yeah, I may get snappy and I may even yell a little…And sometimes, people around me, IT IS YOU.

But today I have to admit…It IS ME.

Not my finest hour but admitting the truth is hard, facing it is harder. I know what I am and sometimes, it’s just unpleasant and maybe all my relationships fail and my own kid is determined to challenge me at every turn to break me down…

I’m still here. For what it’s worth. Given my mood and agitation level, some days it’s worth nothing and others it’s worth everything.

But yeah…today it really is ME. Sorry.

2 Responses to “Sometimes It’s You, But Today It’s Me”

  1. Come to the darkish side of the dark side: talk to me. I’ve got one of those creepily-soothing I’m-someone-else-not-myself voices, when I’m at work. }-) If I had your number you’d know me immediately.

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