I Think I Have Given Up

Much as I fancy myself a fighter and too much of a stubborn bitch to stop battling my brain demons…I honestly feel I have reached the point of giving up. The sun is out today, it’s not real cold, and still…I just don’t care to keep going. I want to die. Sounds ridiculous, right? Lovely depression has decided to ninja drop kick me because I thought it was all seasonal affect but…Not even an increase in Wellbutrin has helped. And now I don’t even get to see the doctor because I am not that urgently in need of help, I guess. Yeah, yeah, they’re booked solid blah blah it’s not all about me, the nurse practitioner can get your meds yada yada.

I don’t even want to bother going. This has been a pointless exercise since I was 20 years old. I am never going to be cured or fixed or ‘right in the head’. Please don’t mistake this with self pity. I don’t even like myself enough to pity myself. This could change at some point during the day or night or in a couple of days…But until it does this is where I am trapped.

Since R got his dream job and the shop is going to be his hobby, at least that major stress inducer will be no more. I have to give up cigarettes, boo fucking hoo. That’s what I put myself through it for, gas money, smokes, to buy things for my kid. It’s worth making sacrifices to be rid of the albatross. During my good mental states it wasn’t so grueling. During these down periods when I am barely staying afloat and placed in the position of helping a friend or failing them thus causing confrontation and tension which also makes me freak out…This has been hellish. I am ready to kiss it goodnight.

</strong Making matters worse is my phlegm in the chest problem has returned, allergies I think, and I can barely breathe but I am choking on the damn sinus drainage.

New kids moved in down the road so my daughter’s friend circle has tripled. They all play together so now I am dealing with 8 kids on any given day but thank pegacorn they prefer playing away from my place in a large patch of grass near the other kids’ homes. Of course, my kid is a drama llama and playing with more than one person means constant bickering and boo hoo my feelings got hurt. She thinks people not doing what she tells them to do or not agreeing with her equals bullying. I got my hands full with this little sociopath. And YES I can call her that because without years of social programming all kids are sociopaths and sadly, a lot of them just become adult sociopaths. One more thing I have to stress about failing at. But hey, she’s uber friendly to every single person, so maybe I can balance out the sociopathy fear with my terror that she’s gonna take candy from a stranger and get into their creepy van because she likes people.

I have some sick kittens, think they aren’t gonna make it. Cleo’s first litter and she is so petite I am wondering if having five maybe the bigger ones are taking all the milk so I have a couple of puny ones who aren’t thriving. Sick cats just take me back to when I lost Abby and my god, two years later I still tear up thinking about it. Funny how the brain doesn’t mind forgetting good stuff yet can never seem to let go of the bad.

The money issue is in play again as I realize all my fans are pretty much broken. In a tin box during heat, you gotta have fans because a window AC isn’t going to cover each room. Last box fan I used was acting funky but I said oh well, I’m too warm and next I know there’s a bad smell and the cord is brown. Maybe my dad is right, I am gonna die in this place. IDK.

It’s all just shit. Even my writing has gone to shit. I am still pushing boulders up hills but it’s garbage and I know it’s garbage. Prior to R pulling me into the dish for those friend favors, I was doing okay on the writing. Now…I’ve lost my flow and soon, I may not even have the garbage. Just in time for the summer with my kid home and all her friends asking for food when I can’t afford to feed my own. Stellar. Something to look forward to with out of control depression, right?

Whatever. I just needed to vent. I don’t see any good in my future, ever. I am living for my kid and cats, beyond that I am just…done. I have zero hope. I am filled with self loathing. Every tiny thing feels too difficult. Hell, I just went four days without a damned shower, how nasty is that. I took one this morning to shake off my grogginess but really, four fucking days. And my shrink said I was doing so much better but that was on THAT DAY AT THAT MINUTE. Now I am circling the drain and I get to see a fucking nurse. Thanks a lot, life. Fuck you.

This charming post was brought to you by the wonderfully dickbag symptoms of depression and is not really affiliated with the true beliefs of Morgueticia but unfortunately she is depression’s bitch right now and is going to write a lot of gruel, feel free to disregard.

6 Responses to “I Think I Have Given Up”

  1. {Hugs} This all sucks for us. Bad.

  2. I’m sorry and I love you. My circumstance hasn’t taken any drastic turns, but I think it might be slowly getting better in some ways, not all how I want, but little things. Writing, even if it’s shit, has been therapy, and so also my friendship with you. This thing I’m working on is a trip. I wrote a bunch after carrying my laptop to work and got home and damned if it didn’t save what I thought it had, so I have to write again, maybe the second draft of that section will be better. If you need an editor I’m sorry I haven’t been very focused lately but I will try for you.

    Doctors are often just fucking idiots, but they want $to$ $help$ $us$ I think. Same with denti$t$ I’ve decided, and also in$urance companie$, the bastards. Cover me if I pay insurance premiums, for what I need, when I need it, you’ll still come out ahead with me since I’m almost never sick.

    Come chat maybe?

  3. ❤ Shit. I forgot to commend you for your Greek mythology reference to Sisyphus. Kudos (that's Greek for "I think you're fucking awesome." Not really but I had you going for a second, didn't I? 😛 ❤

  4. imptiness Says:

    I love You so much it hurts, life is crippling us both just now and we are powerless . I have no words to comfort you at the moment. Just remember that I love You .

  5. I also feel like depression’s bitch. Day 3 no shower. You are not alone.

  6. Day 4 and no shower isn’t as bad as it could be. As far as the nurse practioner, I can say that I have dealt with many of them who were actually better then the doctors. They can care more because they don’t have the crazier schedule of the doctors and they know just as much.
    I’m sorry depression has made you it’s bitch. I was hoping for different for you as spring comes on. I know that hole that you’re in right now and it’s an unforgiving awful place. Just know that I’m thinking of you. Stay safe Morgue. ❤

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